Young Writers Society

*Francisco

it's okay, I had to Google the correct spelling >>

Hullo!

Specifics

1. I think you have some very short lines at the start and then very long lines at the end so the structure needs some tidying up. You should probably aim for lines somewhere in the middle or go short to long to short to long for a wave effect. Please see suggested line changes and a few in-line suggestions below:

meeting up with your specialist at the harbour:
call el pocket change that buys
a free trip to parkour heaven paradise.

Like the cigarette butts that line up at the super market
we stand at ease and try
to remember the last time we shopped for memories.

I think that's why everyone's so nice here;
they like how close the sky is:
another body of water that likes to share in it's own greedy way.
They like that they're art,
that they're their picture shows up on google images
in a strangers' selfie.

but I'm better friends with the sea,
and I've been trying to arrange a play-date for centuries,
though she never answers my texts.

so I only play with the horizon.

2. I'm not sure what call el pocket change is but if it's specific to San Francisco then all the better.

3. I think the like which starts 'like the cigarette butts' should be the start of a new stanza and I'd also suggest re-wording it to 'Like the cigarette butts lined up at the super market'.

4. There's a lot of 'that likes' and 'they likes' - it starts to get repetitive. Maybe take another look at a few of those uses.

Overall

The language needs tightening in a few places but this has a ice flow and I think the observational, slow and steady tone is working for you. I think there could be some more call backs to the 'specialist' you're meeting with - that feels like too big an opening line to not re-visit it in some way and that would also give a nice symmetry to the poem if you could bring it in toward the end, in the same way waves push out and then return. There's a nice sense that the poem wanders in the middle but I think it needs that something more at the end to bring the context back into focus.

All the best with this!

~Heather

Hi, Kazey here for my thoughts more than a review!

So, I really loved this poem. It's very non-traditional in its line layout and overall structure, but I thought that was nice and it fits with the theme of constantly flowing thoughts about San Francisco. Being British, I myself have never visited San Francisco, but your poem was a pretty accurate representation of what I imagine San Francisco being like.

I particularly like the last line,

so I only play with the horizon.

I thought it was a fabulous line and really brought the poem into one coherent thought, which is a really great skill to have, because I at least am forever wondering where/when to end my poetry.

I really have nothing bad to say about this poem. I personal prefer capitalization in poems, but this was your stylistic choice and so I respect that. Although Francisco in your title is spelt wrong. So I'm really grateful that you have decided to post this on here, as it was a very delightful read. (Sorry about my run-on sentences It's a rather bad habit of mine.)

~Kazey