there was the daisies
left behind
petals waving to us
as we abandoned them in a dessert
incapable of hate
pretty things must have thought
we'd return
but we were worn through by the bears that-
as they do-
eat every spot of joy
licking souls dry
Hordes, hordes
of flies
and they ate those too
and we left the daisies there to die.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
129,811 Literary Works • 671,510 Reviews
Dear Holysocks,
I just read your poem "save your hero's tears in jars" and after reading this one, I noticed how much I enjoy your style. It seems to have a deeper meaning in every poem, though I am not particularly sure what it is.
I agree with the last reviewer, that "there was the daisies" sounds weird, and that "was" should probably be replaced with "were."
It's a pretty interesting poem that seems to be about abandonment of those that are too happy to realize that they are being abandoned? Though the ones that are leaving the daisies seem to be emotionless, since they have been broken by bears and flies? Their emotions have been eaten away? I wonder if I am close.
Your poems are very interesting, and I love to try to figure out the deeper meanings in vague poems that don't have the message right there in the lines. I'm going to keep my eye out for your name in the green room. I would love to see more of your poetry, and when I feel like reviewing, I will definitely search for your name.
You're very inspiring, as your poems are delicate, yet brilliant.
Sincerely, Bailey Matwiiw
Thank you again! My-oh-my this is a pretty old poem. Well, just over a year, but still.
This poem and the previous one you read were very personal poems. Generally when I write personal poems, they end up being very confusing and I use images that mean things to me, but not so much to other people! This poem is actually about when I moved away from the place where I grew up! It was under unpleasant circumstances, and I remember being sad because my mum left her daisies behind (they're basically a weed, but I really like daisies, and they looked so trusting and so sad when we left). So yeah.
Awwwwe, that is actually so cute!
Hullo!
Specifics
1. Did you use was instead of were in the first line on purpose? It sounds a little awkward so there were the daisies may flow better.
2. I'm not sure if waving and abandoned go together. Maybe the petals should be doing something a little more urgent like 'petals beseeching us' or 'petals calling to us'.
Overall
This had a nice rhythm to it but I'm not really sure I followed the content - why are there bears in the dessert or, for that matter, daisies? I guess it's symbolic and the dessert is meant to represent a tough time in life but it's a little hard to connect the images together.
At face value it's a nice poem but I wasn't able to take much meaning from the words and while they had a nice sense of emotion behind them, I think the content and imagery needs to be more connected and that the reader needs to have a slightly more concrete sense of what's going on.
I'm also not sure why the bears licking the joy out of the world means that the speaker didn't go back for the daisies. Is it because the daisies represent happiness or something more than that?
Bets of luck with this!
~Heather
Thank you! Yeah, it's very odd. It's a poem based very strongly on an event that completely tipped my family's life up side down, and a lot of the stuff in their is symbolism that's. .. known by my family. I'm not sure why I posted it here in the sense that it doesn't really mean anything to anyone else. The short version is my family had to move from our home of sixteen years on really un pretty terms, and lots of silly things did and still do get me emotional about it- one thing was that my mom left a lot of daisies behind.
My grandparents always refered to bad people as bears, and my grandparents were the ones who made us leave, and they also disowned their children and grand children *much drama*.
I'm not sure why exactly I just told you about all that, but it wasn't to argue with you; I really appreciate the thoughts <3
I think it's fine to put personal things into poetry and I do it all the time and that does explain why it seems a little nonsensical to me, but if it means something to you than that's still good! I wrote my sister a poem that I'm not even sure she fully understood xD Sometimes we need to get them onto paper and they're not always going to be relate-able because families have their own languages.
ok it somewhat good but to be honest it jusst confused me off in a lot of places.I understand it talking about leaving the desert alone in the desert to die but that all.
there was daises
left behind
well that just was butched and not really a smoot cut
maybe say
the daises that we left behind
and then here when the petals waving
it petal waving goodbye
ok i think ill just do a whole revision of what i think it could be
the daises that we left behind
their petals waving bye
as they are abandon in this dry desert
incapable of hate
thinking we will return
only for us to be attacked
the bears the had their meal
each tortures bite from our joy
the souls being licked dry
with hordes of flies surrounding us
the daisies left behind to suffer death
not saying this is the right way but it is a revision of what i think it can be and a fix of some of the mistakes you had but im sure i might have some mistakes but i will just close this review now it is long enough
Thanks for the review!
hey, this is kman134, here, with a review.
First of all, it's not the best poem, but it is still good to read. The concept of life and death being like daisies and insects is an attention grabber.
"there was the daisies
left behind
petals waving to us
as we abandoned them in a dessert"
When i read the first part, i found a couple of speling-errors and grammars problems, such as using "was" instead of "were" and spelling desert with "Dessert" unless you meant throwing thin a Sorbet.
Anyways, it was pretty good to read and grabbed my attention a bit. I hop to read more in the future.
Thanks for the review!
Thanks for the review!