I knew you were waiting
around every turn of the head
calling me forward
laying my paths
like crumbs
abandoned for a crow
it was obvious
I could see your foot prints
in the sand
your every motion
I simply mirrored
((( copy-cat )))
waiting-- saving my spot
until I was ready
testing every stone
one step ahead
And Then...
I was under the hardpan
the scent of pine and
glue
keeping the panic down
you were here
before me
par usual
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139,347 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hey there, cool poem!
I only have two critiques:
One is that there was no proper punctuation where there should've been. It would really help it flow nicer and be grammatically correct if you put in commas and full stops as you would in a normal sentence to make it a more enjoyable read. I think there was also a large number of times words should've been capitalized at the beginning of a sentence but weren't.
The other is the copy-cat part. I think it would just look nicer and more professional to just have (copy-cat) instead of ((( copy-cat ))), and maybe have it in italics for emphasis. That's just my personal though, it's just what I would do.
Other than that, I enjoyed this fantastic poem, you had good word choice, and an interesting topic. Well done.
Keep writing
-zsmith
Thanks for the review!
Actually poems don't always follow punctuation laws/grammar, etc. Thanks again!
You said shred, so here I am!
This feels awfully dramatic to me here. Not sure how to fix the transition but I think a change is needed.I understand this feeling of someone always getting there before you, especially figuratively. It's a nice feeling to write a poem about because it doesn't really have a name.
I feel like the shortness of the lines isn't really benefiting the poem here. It's like a chef chopping up a raw zucchini and calling it a masterpiece. Put the zucchini into a stew, or at least don't chop up the zucchini. In other words, connect more of your lines. They're awfully short and it feels choppy.
Furthermore, I think that a lot of your lines are kinda unneeded. It's wordy, and that's odd for such a short poem, but that's what I'm seeing here. For example, the first stanza could be whittled down to the bare essentials and would be stronger for it.
Spoiler
(while I like the crow image, I think in this bare bones version that "scavenger" would work nicely in its place.)
I don't want to show you the way I would strip down the rest of the poem down because I think that as the poet you should be the one to edit it to your satisfaction.
I'm not sure that this stanza is even necessary. Incorporate the stone image in another stanza and you should be good just to take this one out. It doesn't make the motion in the poem go any farther.
I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing!
Thanks Morri! This was just what I was looking for. I admit I have a tendency to add access stuff, because people generally dislike the shortness, and I'm wordy by nature! XP But I will fix that, and work on thaaaat <3