he was a boy inside a man's body,
trapped by youth,
he died.
they revived him,
lied to him,
experimented on him.
now he knows what you feel,
he can taste it,
his tongue burns of it.
his love is a child's love,
unpredictable,
unsure of its purpose.
his mind floats in the clouds,
only searching,
his mother lays there.
now he has broken free,
the dead shall rest,
pray he saves you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
hmmm.
I see but I really cant imagine all these in a poetry the important thing is to imagine
Yeah, it's kind of a lame poem, but, ah.
This is a nice poem--it kind of scares me, which seems like that's the purpose of the poem. I do enjoy scary-sounding stuff though, and this poem has a very strong, very nice structure, which I like. Somehow, the centering of the poem seems to add to the suspense and darkness of the poem, though I'm not quite sure why that is. You seem to be a very talented author and I'm sad that you only have three other works, it looks like (I could be wrong). This is a very good poem and I can't really think of anything that should be changed or edited; I like it as it is. A definite 9/10, only because I wish it were a little longer, describing the boy/man more, and possibly his mother.
Keep on writing!
Well thank you!
The side bar just shows the amount of poetry I've written. I don't write poetry on purpose because I don't enjoy it the way I do writing stories. I have more works in other folders.
I really liked this piece. That's all I wanted to say here.
Capital in first line, second line, third line, capital in every line. This takes away from the poem, but not too much. I just wanted to warn you.
"trapped by youth,he died." Did he die because he was in a man's body? I thought he was a child, making him immortal. Just one of my crazy predictions. Curious to know, though.
"now he knows what you feel, he can taste it, his tongue burns of it." Does it always burn? When he tastes sad, is more subtle. Just personal questions and me thinking on and on.
"now he has broken free, the dead shall rest," I didn't understand this, but I liked it. I'm unable to tell you why. It's just... Pretty and calm but full of force.
Mostly importantly in this piece, you need capitals. That's the biggest part. I know poems have somewhat different rules than other texts, but I believe capitals are no question.
Overall, I'd say it was well put together and entertaining (save for the last part). I'm glad I had the pleasure of reading this.
-M.P. Tigers
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. I chose not to have any capitals, you are allowed to do that in poetry. Thank you though!
It's kind of random because it's based on a character in my NaNo novel.
Hey, HS! Here to review!
So, I really love this! But there are some minor spelling/grammatical mistakes that are common.
1. In the first line, there should be a capital.
2. Maybe after boy and before trapped in a man's body put a comma. That may make this sound more poetic.
3. Line 4, just a capital.
4. Line 7, still only need a capital.
5. Line 10, capital.
6. 13 and 16, capitals.
7. I really like the whole thing, though! But, can you explain the ending? It's nothing personal, it's just that I don't exactly understand.
Thanks!
See? Only minor details.
So, thanks for giving me the pleasure of reading this!
~Tiff
Thanks Tiffany! The no capitals was on purpose, but thanks!
I know it's kind of confusing, it's for my novel... so it's a bunch of random things about my MC. The ending is because in the story I'm working on his purpose is to save people, like a superhero kind of.
Ohhhhh! *changes subject quickly!!* so, luv that avatar u got.
Lol, now I understand. That makes sense!
Thanks for the enlightenment!
No problem, thanks again!