Young Writers Society

Dear Holysocks,

I just read your poem "save your hero's tears in jars" and after reading this one, I noticed how much I enjoy your style. It seems to have a deeper meaning in every poem, though I am not particularly sure what it is.

I agree with the last reviewer, that "there was the daisies" sounds weird, and that "was" should probably be replaced with "were."

It's a pretty interesting poem that seems to be about abandonment of those that are too happy to realize that they are being abandoned? Though the ones that are leaving the daisies seem to be emotionless, since they have been broken by bears and flies? Their emotions have been eaten away? I wonder if I am close.

Your poems are very interesting, and I love to try to figure out the deeper meanings in vague poems that don't have the message right there in the lines. I'm going to keep my eye out for your name in the green room. I would love to see more of your poetry, and when I feel like reviewing, I will definitely search for your name.

You're very inspiring, as your poems are delicate, yet brilliant.

Sincerely, Bailey Matwiiw

Hullo!

Specifics

1. Did you use was instead of were in the first line on purpose? It sounds a little awkward so there were the daisies may flow better.

2. I'm not sure if waving and abandoned go together. Maybe the petals should be doing something a little more urgent like 'petals beseeching us' or 'petals calling to us'.

Overall

This had a nice rhythm to it but I'm not really sure I followed the content - why are there bears in the dessert or, for that matter, daisies? I guess it's symbolic and the dessert is meant to represent a tough time in life but it's a little hard to connect the images together.

At face value it's a nice poem but I wasn't able to take much meaning from the words and while they had a nice sense of emotion behind them, I think the content and imagery needs to be more connected and that the reader needs to have a slightly more concrete sense of what's going on.

I'm also not sure why the bears licking the joy out of the world means that the speaker didn't go back for the daisies. Is it because the daisies represent happiness or something more than that?

Bets of luck with this!

~Heather

ok it somewhat good but to be honest it jusst confused me off in a lot of places.I understand it talking about leaving the desert alone in the desert to die but that all.

there was daises
left behind
well that just was butched and not really a smoot cut
maybe say

the daises that we left behind
and then here when the petals waving
it petal waving goodbye
ok i think ill just do a whole revision of what i think it could be

the daises that we left behind
their petals waving bye
as they are abandon in this dry desert
incapable of hate
thinking we will return
only for us to be attacked
the bears the had their meal
each tortures bite from our joy
the souls being licked dry
with hordes of flies surrounding us
the daisies left behind to suffer death

not saying this is the right way but it is a revision of what i think it can be and a fix of some of the mistakes you had but im sure i might have some mistakes but i will just close this review now it is long enough

hey, this is kman134, here, with a review.

First of all, it's not the best poem, but it is still good to read. The concept of life and death being like daisies and insects is an attention grabber.

"there was the daisies

left behind

petals waving to us

as we abandoned them in a dessert"

When i read the first part, i found a couple of speling-errors and grammars problems, such as using "was" instead of "were" and spelling desert with "Dessert" unless you meant throwing thin a Sorbet.

Anyways, it was pretty good to read and grabbed my attention a bit. I hop to read more in the future.