(long time since i posted something on this site... here goes nothin’)
—
mama wont be buried today.
she wont be buried at all. instead,
her body is left to rot in the sick
minded freak who killed her.
papa says we’ll find a way to live.
but papa, dearest papa, you’re wrong.
mama wasnt there to save him
and he felt lost without her
and papa, you’re slowly dying too.
mama’s not getting buried and you refuse
to let that sink in.
you dont think like me.
papa, what happens when you die?
“you won’t live to see that, lovie.”
why?
why wont i live to see you die...
“i killed mama and you.”
his words slid through me like
the knife he thrust into
my stomach.
papa...you’ve already lost.
—
cops sworn to the word of the little
girl’s last.
she fell into the arms of someone she
loved and once trusted.
crying, he knew he lost.
his little girl was right. gone like her last breath
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,487 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
Very dark. Had a minky vibe....a taste a depression, a pinch of feelings, and one cup of you someone's soul, oh yeah....this poem would defiantly be number one in today's society. With that said I want you you to know that the reader themselves feel everything that just happen. I mean I was that little girl, lol side note I weigh in at 265 and a grown man, but that was the power of your poem that put me there as that little girl. Your word play, your flow that depressing ass music you here on anime when someone dies.....yeah I was able to get all of that right then and there. My only problem was I knew who did it before the poem ended, so there wasn't enough suspense for me, but overall it was a very good poem.
Hello Eternity! {Welcome to YWS!} Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
mama wont be buried today.
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
she wont be buried at all. instead,
her body is left to rot in the sick{-}
minded freak who {had} killed her.
{--}
papa says we’ll find a way to live.
but papa, dearest papa, you’re wrong.
your son died three days after she went missing.
mama wasnt there to save him
and he felt lost without her
and papa, you’re slowly dying too.
{--}
mama’s not getting buried and you refuse
to let that sink in.
you dont think like me.
papa, what happens when you die?
“you won’t live to see that, lovie.”
why?
{--}
why wont i live to see you die...
“i killed mama and you.”
his words slid through me like
the knife he thrust into
my stomach.
papa...you’ve already lost.
—
cops sworn to the word of the little
girl’s last.
she fell into the arms of someone she
loved and once trusted.
crying, he knew he lost.
his little girl was right.
{she was} gone like her last breath
My interpretation:
Is this about yourself? If so, I'm assuming that it's a very elaborate metaphor. However, I liked that about it. If it was just a generic horror poem, still great job.
Overall:
Overall, I actually really liked! Like Londone said, it was a "very haunting thriller." I didn't get chills while reading, and this didn't scare me like horror is supposed to do, it definitely has that creep factor that all horror poetry need. Keep up the great work!
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
Hey there, Eternity! Londone here for a review.
This was a very haunting thriller. I got some chills throughout reading, and I think you did an incredible job.
The flow was a little off, which can be easily fixed. There was one line that kind of itched at me, and I'd like to point it out to you.
While reading this, I felt like it threw me away from the steadiness that I was experiencing. But I think it got right back on track on the next line.
Some places it seemed to slip out of the girl's mind and the [narrator's] mind. That was a bit confusing to me as well.
The big shocker in this poem for me was when the father stabbed his child, after revealing he had killed her mother. I kind of did a double-take and had to look back at that a few times to truly understand what was going on.
I think you did a great job overall, and you should give yourself a pat on the back.
I hope to see more from you!
Londone
Thank you! This means a lot! I am glad you think I did well.
You're quite welcome!
Hi am Manila and am here to review your work.
I don't really think the title is appopraite for the work there's something about this poem that am not really able to grasp.
It is a good piece.
The beginning of it was nice and as a reader is reading it makes him or her wonder what's going to happen next which in literature is know as suspense
I love this part
"I killed mama and you"
Many readers would think the man murdered the woman but that is not it in this case
He meant to say he had lost the trust you both had for him.
To your mum,not being able to prevent her from being killed
To you, not being able to catch the one who did such act
This is a very good poem
Keep it up
You can do better
Hey, thank you for the review. I think you misunderstood the poem. The father did in fact kill the mother and her. Cops are sworn to making sure he does time for his actions. Thanks for the review again~
Hi. This is Kman134. i'm here to review your work.
This was very disturbing and twisted. everyone's killed off quickly and the perpetrator is the one you trust the most, your father. the use of psychological thriller and the M. Night Shyamalan plot twist was really what grabbed my attention to this story. reading this was like reading an Edgar Allen Poe book.
"why wont i live to see you die...
“i killed mama and you.”
his words slid through me like
the knife he thrust into
my stomach.
papa...you’ve already lost."
This was my favorite part where the killer is revealed to be the girl's father, the one she once loved and trusts, and the one who has instigated the deaths of all of your loved ones. the death scene was well detailed and was very gory . however, actions have consequences, and the father's actions eventually bring him to justice.
This was a really good poem. needs to be capitalized at the beginning of every prose. I can't wait for what's next in your library.
It is actually a style-choice of mine not to uppercase in my poetry but thank you so much for everything else said! I really do appreciate it! Very kind of you.