z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Heartbeat - Prologue

by Eternity


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

A rich, red droplet of blood hit the ground, echoing throughout the room as more droplets followed, sliding slowly from the sterling silver blade that rested in her hand. Her back was pressed against the wall, a heavy weight pressed against her body. Heavy exhales escaped from the figure against her, their breath hitting my shoulder. No sound other than breathing and the blood hitting the floor lingered in the room the two of them stood in. No movement other than their chests heaving.

The boy against her collapsed to the side as the knife she held slid from the now open wound in his stomach. His muscles jerked as he hit the floor, blood beginning to pour from his mouth and his eyes rolled back--the whites of his eyes were bloodshot from the aftermath of drinking too much bourbon. The boy began to gasp for air, grasping his throat as his lips turned blue; the red liquid that oozed from his mouth choking him as he breathed in. He spat the blood from his mouth, it pasting all over his face and the off-white wall that he faced. His teeth were stained by the copper-tasting liquid and eventually, his body stopped moving, his eyes slowly closed, and his tense muscles relaxed. She stared at the boy, shivering at what felt like electricity through her veins. He was no boy, but he was foolish like one. He was a man, one full of hatred and sorrow. One that would steal hearts whilst drunk just to leave a woman stuck in the depth of pregnancy nine months later with a child that was fatherless.

"You've done well, mistress," a voice echoed through the room. She whirled around to meet nothing but the darkness that consumed the room.

Though no reply slipped her lips, the familiar vocals filled her head. "Abaddon, dear," the male slurred, chuckling slightly after. Abaddon stepped forward, walking farther from the body that rest against the floor by the wall. His body would be left to rot, mending with the floor as the rats would soon feast on his body. She felt the broken glass underneath her feet, crunching as she walked. Her muscles were stiff, back straight, and eyes focused on the doorway in front of her. The screaming of the young man still lingered in her head as she walked farther away, but she managed to muffle it with her enlightening friend who called for her attention.

"Abaddon," another slur of her name escaped the creature's lips. "Take this one as victory."

A low chuckle sounded within her throat, "A victory, you say? Isn't that sweet." Her tone was full of sarcasm, a low grumble escaping her lips after speaking. Her throat stung as the sound of words slipped by her lips and she cleared her throat, rolling her eyes.

"Yes, yes, a victory."

Abaddon nodded, "Surely it isn't much. It's only another person you're hungrily eager for. It's no victory when I take the life of an ignorant prick and leave his soul for you, just so you can consume something that's already stone cold and dark," she muttered. A sigh sounded from behind her and then it went silent. She glanced over her shoulder at the man's body one last time, the screaming entirely faded. She smirked to herself as she watched the dark figure emerge from the corner of the room, moving toward the body hungrily. She turned toward the doorway, continuing to walk through the abandoned building. "A victory to feast upon."

-

Abaddon rounded the corner slowly, glancing around before exiting the building for a clear shot of a path that would lead her toward her house. She sighed heavily, relieved that her deed for demon that haunted her soul was done. He was satisfied with her and she would be able to rest. She examined the trees around her, running her fingers along the bark as she passed by them, chipping at some pieces to fumble with. She dodged many fallen branches and bushes that were lined with thorns.

As she neared a field, she crouched low to examine the deer that grazed on the green grass that covered the field. A baby deer pranced alongside it's mother, it's long, slim legs still wobbly as it walked. Abaddon smiled to her slightly, examining the deer carefully. The buck of the herd glanced over to the girl, bowing its head slightly to get a better look. He trotted toward the herd, away from the girl.

Abaddon slowly got up, twirling around and began walking toward the forest again, running her fingers against the bark once again, listening to the wind whistle against the leaves. "Oh, my dear, Lucien," she whispered. The warmth of the air became cold, and the sound of footsteps sounded.

"Yes, madam," he whispered back. By the tone of his voice, the creature was smiling. "You called?"

The young women chuckled, stopping in her tracks. "Do you believe in reincarnation?"

Another slur escaped the lips of the young man who followed Abaddon, "Of course not! How silly of you to think so, my dear."

"Do you believe in love?" Abaddon grinned slightly.

"I do, indeed." He slurred.

Abaddon stopped, turning against her heels to face him, but the figure stayed lurking within the depths of the darkness. "Lucien, surely you are lying." The creature emerged from the shadows, his figure tall. He covered himself with all black clothing, disowning the ways of showing yourself. He wore a black sweatshirt with a pair of worn-out dark grey well-fitted jeans.

Lucien let out a chuckle, his features masked by darkness. "I love you, don't I?"

Abaddon raised an eyebrow at the young fellow, "You do not love me, Lucien." He stepped toward her, his gloved hands reaching for her shoulders. Shivers ran down her spine as the cold transferred to her skin through the gloves. She glanced up, finally able to recognize the creature she knew. Lucien stared into her eyes, searching for something. Anything.

"Do not say I don't love you." He whispered, sliding one of his hands to the side of her face. Abaddon leaned against his touch slightly, her breathing catching for a short moment.

She glanced to the man's lips, then back to his eyes, resisting the urge that welled in her stomach. She gulped and nodded, "I apologize."

Lucien let out a small chuckle, his dark eyes scanning over the girl that stood before him, pulling her close into a tight embrace. "Do not apologize."

Abaddon rest her head against his chest, listening to his heart. Two beats, four beats, six beats. She wrapped her arms around the man's waist, closing any gap they had between them. No words were said, no movement was made. They held each other for a long moment: listening to the birds sing and the wind whistle. As for Abaddon, she listened to Lucien's heartbeat underneath London's sky.


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104 Reviews


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Thu Feb 02, 2017 12:20 am
Holiday30 wrote a review...



Great story, I loved how you wrote this story. My question is will there be more? I love a good read and this is defiantly a really good read. I love the quiet twist that you have put in the prologue and hope to read more. I don't really have any nick picks, I the you wrote really well, and I could see the charters in my mind. Thank you for an interesting story and please write more.




Eternity says...


There will be more eventually. Haven't really gotten to it but I do love this story and want to continue.



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Thu Dec 29, 2016 8:16 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

I liked that you kept this prologue short. Often prologues fall to the weakness of being really long and being boring, but that didn't do that since you kept it to a size where the reader won't be all that intimidated by it. A small note that I wanted to jump into with the story is that the second paragraph is a little large compared to the others in case you wanted to even that out. We see that the prologue kicks off with a character whom is associated with some sort of evil and abusive person.

The first thing that I wanted to say about this is that all of their text didn't need to be in bold? I didn't really see a reason for it but if you really want to keep it that way, you can. We also see that this main character, at least for the prologue, is someone who works for Abaddon. These types of relationships always interest me due to the dynamics of them and the abuse is always something that pops up with this. It seems like the main character also doesn't really feel remorse for killing the boy in the first part.

The next thing that I wanted to touch on is this Abaddon character and not making them too cliched because the whole creature/servant relationship has been done before in many different ways that you may not think of. The other thing I wanted to touch on is that I wanted to know more about Lucien and their relations to Abaddon, where did they come from? Out of nowhere? Maybe we'll see this after the prologue and in the book for more explanation. I liked the shortness of this and how to the point it was with everything it was trying to get across in this chapter, so props for that.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




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Thu Dec 29, 2016 7:00 pm
JosephGeorge wrote a review...



Hey Rin, here for a Review Day review,

First Impressions:

Positives:

Abaddon nodded, "Surely it isn't much. It's only another person you're hungrily eager for. It's no victory when I take the life of an ignorant prick and leave his soul for you, just so you can consume something that's already stone cold and dark," she muttered.


I liked this part because it really shows characters coming out and having a short cat fight. We see them working together, but not really liking the company for a few moments, and that builds story into things. The most realistic human nature that we can write is frustration and anger, because it comes so naturally, even and especially with strangers.

"Yes, madam," he whispered back. By the tone of his voice, the creature was smiling. "You called?"


I like that you also apply the tactic of breaking a person's thought or sentence up with some narrative notes. Some writers never figure this out, but it makes things cleaner, adds some extra depth and dimension and keeps it from becoming too redundant.

Negatives:
A rich, red droplet of blood hit the ground, echoing throughout the room as more droplets followed,


So first thing that I notice is that you've used the word "droplet" twice in the same sentence. Not the best way to write as repetition in nearly any form is lazy and gets old fast. I'll point out any others if I notice them.

a heavy weight pressed against her body. Heavy exhales escaped from the


Though no reply slipped her lips, the familiar vocals filled her head. "Abaddon, dear," the male slurred, chuckling slightly after. Abaddon stepped forward, walking farther from the body that rest against the floor by the wall. His body would be left to rot, mending with the floor as the rats would soon feast on his body. She felt the broken glass underneath her feet, crunching as she walked. Her muscles were stiff, back straight, and eyes focused on the doorway in front of her. The screaming of the young man still lingered in her head as she walked farther away, but she managed to muffle it with her enlightening friend who called for her attention.


So, as I read I noticed several different things that jumped out at me, mostly with the style and flow of your building sentences and paragraphs. But rather than just tell you, I figured I'd show you what I mean by rewriting the above paragraph into my own style, that way you can see first hand what I feel could improve;

Though no reply slipped her lips, the familiar vocals still filled her head.

"Abaddon, dear…." The male slurred.

Chuckling, only moments later.

Abaddon moved from the body which rested on the floor, up against the wall. It was left there to rot, now, and would slowly melt into the stone, at least, until rats came to make a feast of it.

She felt broken glass crunching under foot. Muscles stiff, back straightened and eyes focused towards the doorway that stood directly in front of her. Still lingering and ringing in her head were the man's screams, but it became muffled as her attention once again returned to the friend, calling for her.


And here's a list of the different points that I noticed throughout;

1) To explain things simply is the first step, which you have down. I can follow each action throughout the scene and know exactly what's happening. But to make it flow like butter on warm bread is a different thing altogether. The best way I can explain to do this is to think about it in a less linear way, meaning don't think about the scene as a whole, but rather focus on individual sentences and think, "how can I make this different than the last, and interesting with a variety of vocabulary brought into an intriguing juxtaposition?" What can you do to make it more?

2) Most writers, since the beginning of time, have just done classic blocking paragraphs that fit a lot more words on a page, but times are changing and everyone's starting to pick up on the fact that there's a better way. A more powerful and rich way. It's to create art with the words on the page, rather than just chuck them up there so they can be read as seamlessly as possible. You know those moments in a great story when you find yourself looking out the window and lost in a vision of what it would be like to be that Hero? To do some great deed for mankind? To change the world? Well, all of that happens in just a few, short words. And the best tool you've been given is what I call the "isolation" process. Breaking your paragraphs apart into smaller chunks will improve your reader's ability to understand and their desire to continue. Isolating single strings of text, or even single words, will lend the power you need to deliver the message, but without having to put a neon sign up that says, "DISCLAIMER: Moral to be learned in T minus 10…9…."

3) The last piece of advice that I have is about describing action. It's very easy to get lost in a slew of adjectives as you try to describe what's happening to your reader, but do it in a cool, interesting way. But here's what you have to remember; the best way is to find the "no adjective" way. Adjective+Verb=Super Verb! Hit+Hard=Pounded. You see, there's a lot of verbs to choose from, and most of the time we can cut some of the adjectives and replacing with a verb that acts as a dual-wielding fiend. Then slay some beasts. Not every action should be like this, but it really spices up the scene, and sometimes we use a lot of unnecessary vocabulary, such as "chuckling slightly." Laugh+Slightly=Chuckling. Easy as pie.

Overall:Now that I've written too long, I think that you've got a good thing going here, and the story was interesting enough. The tips are just tips, but you're doing great at the writing already, so just take them into consideration.

I give it:
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Joseph Henry George




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Tue Dec 27, 2016 8:28 pm
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Ribs! Casanova here to do a review for you!

Anyway, three points I wanted to talk about in this.

Characters: I really like not only your character descriptions, but also the way you interact the characters. It's fresh, and I think that it really works quite well. Especially towards the end when Abaddon and Lucien are finally face to face outside and she's questioning love. I really like that part, it's probably my favourite part about it. The only thing I didn't like was in the beginning the dialogue of the characters seem bland, but I just hate dialogue in general so don't take my advice on that. Anyway, onward.

Plot:I think at the moment you have a simple plot. It's obvious someone is killed at the beginning, she travels to her Lucien, and the questions love. Good, we have that! Now in the next chapter give us more. I think for a first chapter this isn't bad- it's good in fact- but I'd like to see more details given and more character description. Like, here they're interacting and you get a feel of them. Good! Now give us a little bit more than that in the next chapter. Anyway, onward.

Overall: Overall I think that you have a strong plot idea, and I think you execute it pretty well. Your characters are good, and I loved the little thing at the end about love. A++ on that part, romance is <3.

Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped at least a bit.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Love, Matt~




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Mon Dec 26, 2016 4:21 am
Kbug1997 wrote a review...



Hello!

Okay so you have a good start to a story and a plot line but honestly its a bit confusing to follow at times. Make sure that you are clear on which character is talking and be more clear on who your characters are. Also you bounce back and forth with your ages of your characters. You will say that your character Lucien is a boy, then he goes to a man, then a young man. Other than that good luck with the rest of your story!

Happy Writing!

-M.





Every first draft is perfect, because all a first draft has to do is exist.
— Jane Smiley