Static | Chapter Two

by Eternity

Published April 10, 2016

12+ Language Violence

In [old work]

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NOTE: Let me just start off by saying I am not entirely proud of this chapter. I had a lot of trouble with it and I'm hoping you guys can help. I actually dislike this chapter a lot.

I awoke the next morning with a pounding ache in my head. I rubbed my temples, trying to ease the pain. I ran my hands through my long, silky brown hair, clenching handfuls; I groaned in frustration.

The night before was interesting and it was clear I had a long night because I slept until 12:37 p.m. 

I flung my legs over the edge of my bed and stood, stretching. My muscles ached and I felt slightly nauseous again. I walked over to my desk and quickly tied up my hair into a messy bun. At that moment, I could've cared less about how I looked.

"CLEO! BREAKFAST IS READY!" My dad called out. I looked at myself one last time and walked out of my room, running down the stairs. I walked over to my chair, pulling it away from the table, and sitting down. My mom came over and placed a plate full of pancakes, bacon, and hash browns in front of me. I gave her a weak smile and picked up my fork, carefully cutting the pancakes into tiny squares.

"Oh, look who finally decided to show up," my brother teased. I shot him a glare and he snickered to himself.

My mom looked at him and shook her head, "Corey, hush. Sit down and eat."

"I'm going out with Liam and Max. Sorry mom," Corey reached over the table, picking up a pancake and running out of the house. Corey was a jackass sometimes. He never really knew when to shut up. His penny colored hair was always a mess, but he had a pearly white smile and bright green eyes that really stood out.

My mom sighed and sat down. I looked up at her and she just stared at her plate.

"What's wrong, mom?" I asked, slightly concerned.

My mom looked at me, startled. "Huh? Oh, it's nothing. I didn't get much sleep."

I nodded, but I knew that wasn't it. I wasn't going to force her to tell me what was wrong because perhaps she just needed time.

I finished up my food and got up, bringing my plate to the sink. I quickly washed it and placed it down. "Thank you, guys." I smiled and walked back up to my room.

I felt an unknown presence in my room as I entered it. Chills ran up my spine and the door slowly creaked. "Who's there?" 

My door closed and I paused. The little girl was back. She tapped my shoulder from behind me and I jumped at her cold touch.

"Don't be scared. I won't hurt you." She whispered.

I turned around and she looked at me with a smile. "How could you hurt me?"

"You underestimate my true ability." She chuckled.

"What's your name?" I looked at her slightly confused. Where did she come from? How was she getting into my room?

"My name is Ava." she looked at me with dark eyes. Ava reached back, taking her hood off and she untied her hair. Long locks of black hair fell from the bun and she pulled her hair forward, making it rest upon her shoulders.

I narrowed my eyes at her. "How old are you?"

Ava's eyes lit up, "Ten."

I nodded, intrigued. Ava walked closer to me and I could feel the cold radiating off of her. Her cold hands ran down my arm. "W-What are you doing?"

"You killed someone, recently... Haven't you?"

I gulped, yanking my arm away from her. "Cayden Barret. It was yesterday."

"I know, silly." Ava chuckled, tilting her head as we made eye contact. "The static told me."

I rolled my eyes. There she goes with this static nonsense. "There's no such thing as the static."

Ava's eyes grew darker, "Careful, my friend. You're wrong."

Cleo... The voices in her head hissed low. I raised my hand to my forehead like I was hit in the face. An overwhelming pain filled my body.

Ava's voice was filled with pain, "Once they're with you, you can't escape. You're a goner if you try..." She whispered. Ava looked at me and her skin became pale. Her eyes were now fully black, and her head was still tilted to the side. She resembled one of those creepy dolls. Her voice no longer held pain; it held rage. "No one escapes the static unless you want to die."

I stared into Ava's eyes, searching for something. I bent down, placing my knees carefully to the floor. Her and I were now eye to eye. I saw the pain and helplessness in her eyes. They pleaded for forgiveness--for help. Ava no longer had control over herself.

My mom banged on my door and she walked in. "W-Who is that?" she quickly asked.

Ava paused and looked at me, her eyes wide. She turned around quickly and tilted her head. "I'm a child of the static. Hello, Cassandra." She grinned. My mom gasped and took a step backwards but Ava's hands twitched and she flew into the room. The door slammed behind her and the lights began to flicker. 

"LEAVE HER ALONE!" I yelled, but I flew back, hitting the wall with a loud thud. I slid to the floor with a rush of dizziness. Ava walked over to my mom and leaned over her, picking her up by her shirt.

My mom shook with fright, her back against the wall "How do you know who I am? Who are you? What are you?" She whispered.

Ava let out a sharp laugh and shook her head. Her voice deepened and her head twisted to face me. I cringed at the sight, forgetting she wasn't entirely human. "Say your last words."

I stumbled to my feet and shook my head, "Ava, leave her alone." I warned.

Ava laughed again, and her hand twitched. A blast of cold air pushed me down and held me to the floor. I screamed, gasping for air. "STOP!"

Ava's low chuckling echoed in the room and she dropped my mom. All I heard was the creaking of my floor and I eventually met eyes with Ava again. She bent down and placed one finger on my jawline, tracing it slowly. Her cold touch sent shivers down my body. I gulped and she smiled at me. The smile she gave me wasn't kind like mother to child: it was one from predator to prey. "Some spirits possess the living to feed the addictions they had while alive." She whispered and ran her finger to my neck, pressing her nail into my skin. 

It's clear now.

Ava killed people... She's not a little girl within... Ava is possessed.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Raindeer
Review
Raindeer wrote a review Review · May 1, 2016

Hello! Rain here again! <3 (this time I'm the second reviewer, mwuahaha).

I'm just gonna start with a few nitpicky things -

I ran my hands through my long, silky brown hair, clenching handfuls


Hm. Silky hair in the morning? Doesn't seem right. Maybe changing it to "tangled and messy" or something of that sort. Unless she's magical. I would love that hair. xD

My muscles ached and I felt slightly nauseous again.


I would love to know how she's feeling nauseous! Is her head spinning, and does she feel like she's going to vomit? Or are her legs jelly, and wobble with each step she takes?

"CLEO! BREAKFAST IS READY!" My dad called out.


More of a personal preference here, so feel free to totally kick out this suggestion haha. Using all capital letters isn't what some people classify as "formal" and most people just like to use exclamation points, dialogue tags, or even italics to further strengthen dialogue that is supposedly loud.

I walked over to my chair, pulling it away from the table, and sitting down.


*sat

"What's wrong, mom?" I asked, slightly concerned.


Capital m in mom - remember, here, "mom" is used as a name. Whenever a title is used as a name, it is capitalized.


Well, this chapter was certainly not as bad as you made it out to be! I quite enjoyed it! The one thing I might suggest, though, is pacing. Everything feels one notch to fast paced. Slow it down a bit. Don't be afraid to give details. You don't have to give the details of, say, what's going on because Cleo doesn't exactly know that. More of an imagery type thing. What's Cleo feeling? Emotion and imagery are two huge parts of writing and can also help with pacing. Otherwise, reading a story without much description can feel a bit fast paced because there's no meat around it, nothing to support it.

Otherwise, you did wonderfully! :) Cleo is quite the interesting character and I can't wait to know more about her in further chapters. Once you post chapter 3, please notify me! ^_^

~ EternalRain

With this whole book, it was way too rushed. Both King and I agreed on that. Thank you once more for the review!

Ah, okay! c:
No problem!

User avatar
Elijah
Review
Elijah wrote a review Review · Apr 10, 2016

Hello,darling!So here I am.The part is pretty long so reviewing during the story.

I awoke the next morning with a pounding ache in my head. I rubbed my temples, trying to ease the pain. I ran my hands through my long, silky brown hair, clenching handfuls; I groaned in frustration.
// the ';' there..hm typo?


The night before was interesting and it was clear I had a long night because I slept until 12:37 p.m.

I flung my legs over the edge of my bed and stood, stretching.
//stood up? //
My muscles ached and I felt slightly nauseous again.
//your muscles..and you...oh gosh...the muscles are part of you,darling
it is just off
I read out loud to be sure.//
I walked over to my desk and quickly tied up my hair into a messy bun. At that moment, I could've cared less about how I looked.

"CLEO! BREAKFAST IS READY!" My dad called out. I looked at myself one last time and walked out of my room, running down the stairs. I walked over to my chair, pulling it away from the table, and sitting down. My mom came over and placed a plate full of pancakes, bacon, and hash browns in front of me. I gave her a weak smile and picked up my fork, carefully cutting the pancakes into tiny squares. // well i would not use weak to define a smile but neeh..pancakes <3 //

"Oh, look who finally decided to show up," my brother teased. I shot him a glare and he snickered to himself. //shot him a glare.. maybe 'gave'
--missing the parts in which I wont complain!---

My mom looked at me, startled. "Huh? Oh, it's nothing. I didn't get much sleep."

I nodded, but I knew that wasn't it. I wasn't going to force her to tell me what was wrong because perhaps she just needed time.

I finished up my food and got up, bringing my plate to the sink. I quickly washed it and placed it down. "Thank you, guys." I smiled and walked back up to my room.

I felt an unknown presence in my room as I entered it. Chills ran up my spine and the door slowly creaked. "Who's there?"
//i am excited...//
My door closed and I paused. The little girl was back. She tapped my shoulder from behind me and I jumped at her cold touch. //maybe froze is better than paused
did you just from her touch or at her touch?you got scared of her or you jumped over her so she could carry you//


"Don't be scared. I won't hurt you." She whispered.

I turned around and she looked at me with a smile. "How could you hurt me?"

"You underestimate my true ability." She chuckled.

"What's your name?" I looked at her slightly confused. Where did she come from? How was she getting into my room?//when i read it out loud it just felt better to say 'how did she get inside my room'

"My name is Ava." she looked at me with dark eyes. Ava reached back, taking her hood off and she untied her hair. Long locks of black hair fell from the bun and she pulled her hair forward, making it rest upon her shoulders. //the details i wanted..thankies but could be more//

I narrowed my eyes at her. "How old are you?"

Ava's eyes lit up, "Ten."

I nodded, intrigued. Ava walked closer to me and I could feel the cold radiating off of her. Her cold hands ran down my arm. "W-What are you doing?"
//the radiating thing i did not understand//

"You killed someone, recently... Haven't you?"

I gulped, yanking my arm away from her. "Cayden Barret. It was yesterday."

"I know, silly." Ava chuckled, tilting her head as we made eye contact. "The static told me."

I rolled my eyes. There she goes with this static nonsense. "There's no such thing as the static."

Ava's eyes grew darker, "Careful, my friend. You're wrong."

Cleo... The voices in her head hissed low. I raised my hand to my forehead like I was hit in the face. An overwhelming pain filled my body.
// maybe i could use something different than filled but still i get the idea//

Ava's voice was filled with pain, "Once they're with you, you can't escape. You're a goner if you try..." She whispered. Ava looked at me and her skin became pale. Her eyes were now fully black, and her head was still tilted to the side. She resembled one of those creepy dolls. Her voice no longer held pain; it held rage. "No one escapes the static unless you want to die."// put comma instead of ;


I stared into Ava's eyes, searching for something. I bent down, placing my knees carefully to the floor. Her and I were now eye to eye. I saw the pain and helplessness in her eyes. They pleaded for forgiveness--for help. Ava no longer had control over herself.
------

Ava let out a sharp laugh and shook her head. Her voice deepened and her head twisted to face me. I cringed at the sight, forgetting she wasn't entirely human. "Say your last words."
//sharp laugh...brittle? //
I stumbled to my feet and shook my head, "Ava, leave her alone." I warned.

Ava laughed again, and her hand twitched. A blast of cold air pushed me down and held me to the floor. I screamed, gasping for air. "STOP!"

Ava's low chuckling echoed in the room and she dropped my mom.
// low chuckling echoes filled the room as she dropped my mom//
All I heard was the creaking of my floor and I eventually met eyes with Ava again. She bent down and placed one finger on my jawline, tracing it slowly. Her cold touch sent shivers down my body. I gulped and she smiled at me. The smile she gave me wasn't kind like mother to child: it was one from predator to prey. "Some spirits possess the living to feed the addictions they had while alive." She whispered and ran her finger to my neck, pressing her nail into my skin.

It's clear now.

Ava killed people... She's not a little girl within... Ava is possessed.

Overall your development is great!Go on!

Thank you so much! This review definitely helped me! Chapter Three will be up tomorrow. Regardless, I'll begin editing right now :) Thank you again. I see my mistakes. Like I said, I am not proud of this chapter. In it's entirety, I just feel as if it's bad. Definitely not my best. I had trouble writing this.

Elijah replied · Apr 10, 2016

You could always pm me and we could work it out together.What am I here for?

Thank you so much. It means a lot.

Elijah replied · Apr 11, 2016

Welcome!



I hope that when I am gone, someone still reaches for me like I reach for them
— Leya