grasp my hand so tight,
lead me through the night,
left in sorrow, as the pain ripples within.
a feeling numb within your bones,
one of which you know you own,
yet you keep leading me farther in this trance.
a shattering heart hidden within your chest
forced to kill for the rest,
shivers running down your spine, the air cold
you may suffocate me, grasp all the air from my lungs
take my life away before she comes
friends save each other, but you’re my darkest nightmare
screaming until I’m breathless,
if I’m alive, she’ll still be careless
she’ll kill you too, dearest friend
she doesn’t care that you love me,
and it hurts to say I agree.
you’ve never loved in your damn life
why are you such a liar,
stay away from feeding the fire.
you need to go, not that I care
let go of my hand,
hurt me like you planned,
let my body rot like she wants
my heart’s beginning to shatter,
these chains beginning to clatter,
yet you keep up the lies.
tell me you love me, I know it’s fake,
my muscles are starting to ache.
please, just end it.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,124 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Heya, Rinny! Casanova here to do a review for you!
Anyway, the first thing I noticed was the rhyme scheme. In these parts-
The rhyming does get a little bit iffy, but overall I feel like you've done a decent job with the rhyming. It actually works well with the poem, and I could only see making the rhyming consistent. In some lines you rhyme whereas others don't, so I suggest playing around with words and how to rhyme. I can help if need be, I love rhymes. Anyway, to my next point.
Overall I get the feeling this is just a strict emotional poem, and I rather enjoyed the magnitude of emotion in this poem. However, I do feel like you lack images to make this stronger. You're giving us a shopping list of things. You do say things,"these chains begin to clatter," and,"let my body rot like she wants." Good. Now actually infer and use those images to your benefit. Something like being chained to a wall and being left to rot, but not being able to escape and try for not. Something of that like, letting your images really get into it and not just the strict emotions that you have here.
I do love the ending, though. the blunt,"just end it." I give you props for that one.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped some.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Love ya, Matt
I'm not going to review the review before me, but I have to agree with a couple of the points made. I think that capitalization would also go a long way to help define the structure of the poem, because there is punctuation in it, but it isn't consistent. Also, perhaps it's just me, but I feel I don't really know who the subject is! Is this Darkest Nightmare an inner thought, or a person, or what? I'm not sure, but I'm intrigued. I would just hope that perhaps in a revision you would lead the reader, or at least help the reader along like that first line of the poem. The rhyming scheme, I have not figured out, but it's defiantly unique so props for that, again some structure would aid the reader in identifying it, if that's your purpose anyways. Thanks for the poem, a very nice read.
This is Kaos here for a review!
The first comment that I wanted to make was on the rhyming. I actually didn't mind the rhyme in this poem and in some parts it actually works better than I would have thought, so I do commend you on that. The one thing that I did want to touch on with this is the rhyme scheme, and there doesn't really seem to be one in the poem. I suggest rhyming through the whole poem though that may get a little iffy, or have a rhyme scheme, but that'll probably need stanzas to make that clearer.
If you don't know how to put things into stanzas, you put all your lines together that you want in a stanza and do shift+enter, but if that's too complicated or vague, then you can just put a dash, something or other through it. This'll help the reader understand the structure of the poem better and it not be as much of a mess to read and it'll help distinguish the lines more.
Onto the actual poem and its content, I like the tone that you kind of set-up, but the imagery is kind of all over the place for me. Define your images, use ones and them expand on those. Another thing is to know why you're using them, if they're images without meaning, that's usually how the reader will take it too.
I'm not saying that the ones in the poem don't, but they're kind of scattered and the same rewashed ones though I do find some of them interesting. Create the atmosphere with the imagery, the tone, the surroundings. Create a scene and tell the theme through that. Sensory details are something that are gravely /needed/ here. Sensory details are the description of the senses which makes great in making the reader more immersed into the poem, so I suggest putting emphasis on that.
Let it all pour out of your fingertips. I hope I helped and have a great day!