The music blared throughout the house and there was a lingering smell of alcohol. People danced around and some just hung around with a cup in hand, casually talking, and others slurred their words, obviously drunk.
Why on Earth are you here?
I stood in the corner of a fairly large room with a cup of some soda in hand. I was smart; probably the only smart one at this party. I was one of the last left sober. I walked past many people, pushing my way through crowds. I got to the front door, about to leave. Before I got the chance to open to the door, someone grabbed my wrist and yanked me toward them. I spun around and raised my hand to smack whoever it was, and my hand came into contact with the person's face hard. I came eye to eye with Cayden Barret.
"Hey, careful there." Cayden growled, raising his hand to his stinging cheek. I yanked my hand away and backed up against the door. His eyes filled with rage, "What was that for?"
Run. An unfamiliar voice shrieked and I shook my head, "Stay away from me."
Cayden took a step closer to me and I looked around, trying to find an escape. Cayden leaped for me but I ducked and ran to the stairs, stumbling up them. He ran after me and I ran into some bedroom, slamming the door behind me. I ran to the closet and buried myself into the pile of clothes in the back. He's coming...
Cayden burst into the room, breathing heavy. He looked around, his voice full of anger. "Get your ass out here, Cleo."
His voice was raspy, but still managed send chills down my spine. Channel us.
My head whirled with voices and eventually I found the strength to get up and face him. He stepped towards me, but I backed up. The door slammed shut behind him on it's own and he whirled around, confused.
I felt my soul empty again, and my eyes roll back. Cayden looked at me and his eyes widened. My eyes darkened to black and I slightly grinned. "I said stay... away... You're on very thin ice, my friend." Cayden ran to the door, trying to open it. I tilted my head. "Scared?"
I took slow steps towards him. Cayden turned back, but I wasn't there any longer. I snickered behind him, and placed my hand on his back. He jumped and stayed still. He took in a sharp intake of breath and gulped. I stepped fairly close to him and whispered, "Next time... Listen." I pulled my hand back, and Cayden turned slowly to face me.
My hand lunged for his neck and my nails dug into his neck, piercing his skin and he gasped for air. He flung his hands to my arm, trying to pull my arm away but he was too weak. My grip continued to tighten and he choked.
I felt the blood trickle down my fingers and watched as my nails just dug deeper and deeper into his neck. Cayden's eyes glossed over with fear and death. I dragged him over to the window and pushed him through the glass. I dropped him and bloody staining my hand. When he landed, the sound of his body being impaled by the sharp objects echoed. I looked down and there he was, dead and motionless. He was hanging from the fence, with the sharp tips showing through his torso and stomach. He head hung back, blood everywhere.
I felt my body come back into my control, and my eyes were back to normal. I gulped and looked away from Cayden. Well done, my friend.
I closed the closet and walked over to the door, exiting the bedroom. I searched for the upstairs bathroom and eventually found it. I stepped in and walked to the faucet, turning the knobs for the water and ran my hands under it. Even with just the cold water running, it burnt my skin. I washed all the blood off and dried my hands, turning off the faucet.
I walked out and head downstairs. My legs were numb and I couldn't entirely feel my body. As I walked down the stairs, I gripped onto the railing so tight that my knuckles turned white.
As soon as I got to the bottom, I turned towards the front door and exited. I turned the corner to where Cayden lie on the fence. The overwhelming feeling of nauseousness overcame me. I killed him. I walked over and gulped, trying to get him off the fence. The sound of gushing blood and skin made me even more nauseous. I continued to pry him off the fence until he was finally off it. He weighed a lot more than I did.
"What am I going to do?" I whispered to myself. I looked around and spotted a trash can.
I dragged the body down the yard and shoved him into the trash can. It was the only thing I could think of at that moment. I looked around and placed a trash bag over him, covering up the fact there was a body in there. I gulped, carefully placing the top on the trash can. I eventually heard ringing in my head and I keeled over, throwing up.
--
Eventually, I ended up back at my house. I sat at my desk, looking into the mirror. I looked down, closed my eyes and looked back. Once I opened my eyes, my breath shortened. A little girl stood behind me and she looked at me with dark eyes. I turned around and there she was, looking at me. "H-Hello?"
"Cleo," she grinned.
"How do you know my name?"
"The static told me." she said. She was dressed in a hood and some sorts. She didn't look like an average ghost.
I looked at her confused, "The static?"
"Oh, don't play stupid. The voices... they're the static."
"W-What?"
The little girl grinned and walked towards me. My heart raced and the door slammed. The windows shut and locked and my fan shut off.
"Stop! Please!" I yelled.
The little girl looked at me the same way Cayden did. She stopped and took off her hood. "Why?" She laughed. Her laugh echoed and I covered my ears.
We told you, Cleo. You can't escape.
End of chapter
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139,486 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
Again, quite a few reviews, but I would love to leave one! >O<
On to the next chapter!
*coughs* Ahem! Hello~!
This was really creepy. The end was very freaky! I love the little voices in her head (that's what I assume the italics are - oh, oh, maybe you could like explain "the voices in my head pounded, and I wished for them to go away" or something like that, perhaps with more description? that'd be cool!). They just add such a creepy aura to everything, and much more mystery, as well as "extra narration".
As far as the setting goes, I would like a bit more. When starting a novel, that's probably the go to: setting. Where's this house? Is she at someone's party, or a random stranger's house? Even small things other than a "house" helps a lot and lets the reader understand more!
I'm also confused as to who Cayden Barret is. A bit of an explanation, even after his death, would work well to give the readers more insight on who exactly is this person. As far as we now currently, he's a random stranger who popped up in her face at this party (and is a bit of a jerk). A description of him, as well, can also lend the readers with not only an image of him but an age. Even sneaking it something like "the sticky blood trickled onto his dark skin" or "the crimson scarlet blood contrasted on his sickly pale skin tone".
I really liked this chapter! I can't wait to read what happens next!
~ EternalRain
Here's something that no one else seemed to point out: there were several occasions where, despite the story being in first person, the narrator knew more than he should have been able. For example,
"My eyes darkened to black and I slightly grinned."
How did he know his eyes turned black if he couldn't see them? Also I would change the wording to "grinned slightly"
Another thing I would like is a little more emotion from the main character. If he is totally conciuos through the whole thing, how does he feel about it? Is he scared because of what he's doing? Does he feel the urge and want to do what the static is making him do? To not tell would defeat the purpose of first person in my opinion. Anyway, I'm off to the next chapter!
Oops, I meant her. I didn't know she was a girl.
I didn't even realize I was doing that! Thank you for pointing that out. Just letting you know that I am not proud of Chapter Two, however I am working on Chapter Three (which'll be posted tomorrow/later on) and it's bizarre. I added a lot more emotion and detail to Chapter Three and it's by far my favorite. I shall not say anything about it, no spoilers. But I do appreciate you pointing this out to me. I also agree with the emotion. Thank you, again!
Back again! Firstly, I really enjoyed this. You managed to keep it fast paced whilst not making it rushed. Your descriptions were very vivid and I could clearly picture the scene as it happened. You managed to create this dramatic, creepy atmosphere very quickly and maintained it throughout. Really enjoyable to read and just the right length.
There was a few minor punctuation and word choices that I would change, so I'm just going to quickly list them. Sorry if this comes across as me being picky, it's just stuff I noticed and thought would be helpful to point out to contribute to the overall structure of the story.
I'll just put an equal sign after the word you've put and show what I would change it to, if that makes sense.
"Some just hung around=about..."
"and=while others..."
"Before I got a chance to open to the door..." Just cut 'to' out here
"...yanked me toward=towards them..."
"His eyes filled with rage, "What was that for?" = "His eyes filled with rage. (New line here)
"What was that for?"
"Get your ass out=out of here..."
"She was dressed in a hood and=of some sorts..."
Again, sorry for pointing out all these little things, I know that's annoying and not particularly helpful but I think it really adds to the overall effect of the story if the reader's eye isn't picking up on little things. This is really great though, and I hope I was in some way helpful and not just irritating.
I do not mind the nit-picking of details, punctuation, or word choice. In fact, I appreciate it because it really does help me improve my writing. Thank you for the review because now I can better my writing. You're not irritating one bit! Chapter Two will be up soon, and I look forward to seeing what you say about that. I'll review your poem in a few, I'm just trying to get Chapter Two done because people are really anxious for it.
A starting chapter that lacks much action despite your best efforts. Too fast-paced and your writing just seems too cliché for it to be a completely original horror piece. As well as that, I don't get many horror vibes. I guess we could tick the figurative checklist for a small creepy child and horrific impalement. Other than that, it's pretty good. Now I'll go through your work and propose solutions to some of your mistakes.
"The music blared with a lingering smell of alcohol tinting the air." You need to separate these two senses apart, the lack of punctuation makes it seem as if the sound is letting out a smell. Second of all, "tinting" isn't the word to use. Tinting implies colouring something if used as a verb, or a shade of a colour. There is no correlation between colours and the smell. I'd advise using a word like "permeate", "pervade", or changing the sentence's formation to describe the smell as "lingering in the air".
"People danced around like maniacs." I see what you're getting at, and I'm not entirely sure this is an absolute necessary change, but describing the people as maniacs is implying they are violent and borderline WILD. I know most parties have drunkards that completely, and for the most part indirectly, break apart furniture, but maniacs are normally depicted as foaming-at-the-mouth sociopaths.
"Swaying their hips as they talked to others." This is a weird way of describing dancing to a point that it is unnecessary. I mean, do you know anyone that sways their hips just casually as they talk to one another without evoking foreplay?
"I stood off in the corner with my arms fairly crossed and a cup of some soda in hand." You don't "stand off in the corner", you stand in or at the corner of the room. There is no use of the adjective "fairly" in the sentence because you can't just have your arms a little crossed. And lastly, I'm not sure you can hold a cup of soda--forget the 'some'--whilst crossing your arms without being a weekly participant in hot yoga classes or completely oblivious to how uncomfortable that would be.
"His voice was raspy, but still managed to pierce my skin." No, a raspy voice can't pierce your skin. I recommend erasing this part of the sentence and changing it up for some description that allows us to picture this scene a little more.
"The TV in the bedroom turned on but it was the black and white static of no signal." Not necessarily exiling you from this realm because of how cheesy this is, but I'm just pointing it out.
"Eventually, I ended up back at my house." It is impossible to just murder a kid and get away with it without others finding the bloody corpse of an adolescent impaled on a FENCE, which by the way, is pretty gruesome so points to you for that. And you mentioned that she wiped her hands on her jeans. That means that her jeans are completely stained with some boy's blood. Not a good look, if I'm perfectly honest. Even the most basic of forensic science could find your DNA absolutely everywhere.
"Oh, don't play stupid. The voices... their the static." Yikes! The classic 'there, they're, their' mistake. I propose reading over your work extra good to rid it of grammar mistakes and whatnot.
I didn't completely cover everything because otherwise I'd look like some sort of sadistic villain feeding off the mistakes of writers. Other than that, I pretty much liked this first chapter, so good job on it.
I just wanted to say thank you, because it is quite helpful for feedback like this. I came on this site to better my works. I'll be sure to read over my writing a little better. Regardless, this is just my first chapter and I'm working on the pieces as a whole. Thank you again for your feedback, and I'll be sure to take what you've said into consideration.
Yeah no problem. I like to propose solutions and help out a little more than the everyday review, because simply stating that there are problems but not actually helping out with them is a little unhelpful. Or just constantly saying how absolutely incredible a chapter is in such a way that it sounds hyperbolic.
Well, I'm working on editing right now. Thank you, again!
"...The voices...their the static"
I found only this to be honest.It needs to be they are or they're instead of their if I understood right.Without that,the plot is horribl--y amazing! X/D I love horror and this just make me read it all over.It is amazing really!You go on do your thing!The plot is appealing and the main character is pretty well made.I would love to know more about her but that will come later,I guess?Your details are good also but more is never bad.This is the first horror-themed story I read in here and It worth it!That little girl just...you had made her profile well but I still want more details around her.Some things really sounded odd but well.I hope that there is more interesting part really.Many things had happened for that short part.But I can not know what is inside your mind!
Good job and keep on writing!
I just noticed that I used the wrong word, and fixed it quite quickly. Thank you for the review! You're in a great surprise in Chapter Two. I'm working on details right now, and you learn more about the little girl, plus the voices Cleo is hearing. I won't be spoiling anything, but I'm excited to hear someone likes it!
Dont tell me more~! 'v' ) I have to be curious! Anyways I will be the first to review the next part...I hope!! XD Go on and continue using your magic to write!
I'll be posting Chapter Two soon, just gotta fix some parts! Stay tuned ^-^
Yes.I am your small critic waiting for your writing. ;v;