With my thoughts whirling
and endless hurling,
Relentless crying
and non-stop yelling...
I guess it's living,
I guess I'm dying,
And if I'm not,
I'm surely trying...
A lighter's my trigger,
so I load my gun,
I take one drag
straight to my lungs,
But I guess it's living,
I guess I'm dying,
And if I'm not,
I'm surely trying...
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140,220 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Hello there fellow lurker >;3 me is here to review thy work.
So first of all, I liked the topic you decided to abound about. Sadly, it's extremely over-used, thus you have to make sure to add your personal touch in order not to bore the readers away. It was a short poem, which I enjoy, large wall texts are only good (imo) for stories. Certainly some poems do need them, but the less the better (imo again).
Second o3o: Rhyming, as others have said, rhyming is not recommended in this kind of poem, since you want to set a dark mood and rhyming usually restricts the writer from doing exactly that. At first I thought you were going with the old-fellow AAAA rhyming model; then, out of nowhere, you seemed to switch to AXA- but holy cows wait you didn't even finish that before starting a ABAB.
My friend, I can't stress out how necessary it is right now you to check the rhyming and find your poem's ASAP. Write around it and you should be good.
Third :3: "Show, don't tell." It's all writer's life motto. Has it been said too much? Yes. Has it been said enough times? Oh bet everything you love not. You haven't shown anything here, you are merely telling us what is going on. You could try to be more descriptive or to use more metaphors, up to you mate.
Fourth A-A: Metaphors... metaphors... the heart of poetic writing, saying something while meaning something totally different. You just used it once. Why? WHYYYY? QAQ
In short. It's a good piece, but the rhyming, imagery, and metaphors must be checked.
Keep writing~
Hi! ^_^ Here as requested; this review is brought to you by Reviewing Ravens. April-May Review day.
Here we go!
- This suggests a rhyme scheme to be present in the rest of the poem, but we're not given that. Deciding to take a serious(ish?) topic like this and twisting it into a poem that rhymes is frankly not the best situation to be in. Rhyming brings fun, silly things to the table (generally).
- I don't think of this as the strongest start. As clogs below me has stated, this poem is a bit on the overused side (which, as they state, is totally okay). The topic is overused, but if you start the poem off with a strong, unique start that blares "this is me, this is my poetry", I think that could definitely work well and improve it in a way.
Is this line saying that thoughts, crying, and yelling is living? The whole way the poem is written out is a bit confusing (no worries, I quite like the format) and I suppose I just need a bit of clarifying.
My favorite part! I love the little metaphor/symbolism in here.
Again - a bit confusing... is this line bringing the fact that the narrator is trying to die? (which I suppose would make sense).
Anyway, I think that's all I have to say for this! Keep writing~<3
~ EternalRain
Hey, Eternal! clogs here for a Review Day review!
I'm gonna steal an expression from another lovely reviewer on this site
*coughmorrigancough*and say this:It's filled with good intentions.
To be honest, it's a very overused subject. There's nothing wrong with writing about overused subjects. It's nearly unavoidable. The thing is, you have to be able to bring something new to it that will make it your own, and I'm just not really getting that. This is a very generic poem. It doesn't give me your unique perspective, and so it doesn't really entice me to read it or affect me in any way. So let's dig into some things that I think could help this poem.
Okay, first, let's talk about a personal pet peeve of mine and head into Ellipses 101. Incorrectly used ellipses are one of my least favorite things in the world. They're meant to either indicate trailing off or missing words. For instance, something like either this:
Or this:
The first example is a correct use of an ellipses because John is trailing off and not finishing his sentence. The second example is correct because it lets the reader know that there are missing words from that excerpt. Your example is not correct, because you are not trailing off or missing words. Please remove the ellipses before I go nuts, because that's just such a pet peeve of mine.
Ok, next up: Imagery.
There's not really any imagery in this at all. You use very general images such as "crying" and "yelling", but those don't really evoke any images in my head. How about telling us how you're sobbing so much you can taste the salt of your tears, or yelling so loudly your throat is tingling and numb? That's much more descriptive. It tells the reader a lot more, and brings more emotion to these things. Remember, good imagery makes you look at things in a new way. This article will go more into detail for you:
Imagery
The rhyme is inconsistent. For instance, the first two lines rhyme, which sets up an expectation for an AABB rhyme scheme. However, the third and fourth lines don't rhyme, and it screws me up. There's more rhyming throughout the poem, too. I'm personally not a fan of rhyming, especially in poems with such a dark theme as this one. It forces you to write within the constraints of the rhymes instead of expanding your imagery to a point where it's interesting and gripping. Also, it feels kind of childish, like a humorous poem. Whenever I read rhyming poems about dark subjects, it feels like I'm reading a fun, lighthearted poem about death, and it doesn't really mesh. So basically, I recommend either dropping the rhymes altogether or keeping them consistent. And if you do choose to keep the rhymes, then try not to limit your poem for the sake of them.
This almost feels more like a song to me for that reason. It's so simple that I can kind of imagine like a punk rock band singing it, because lyrics don't really need to quite so delicate as poetry does. Also, there's the refrain that could be the chorus. You could try making this a song.
I think the strongest part of this poem was the part with the lighter, because it's the only part that brings any sort of poetic devices into it. I think you could maybe build on the lighter=gun metaphor a little more, and that might be your insight.
Overall, I think there's some potential in this poem, but I'd like to see what you can bring to the topic. Keep on writing, and happy Review Day!
Maybe this will be my only complain connected with this work.
I think it needs to be non-stop, not none stop.
The part in which you talk about dying and living at once is maybe my favourite once even if i am not sure why either. I thought it is kind of odd and not normal to talk about doing two opposite things at once like dying and living but maybe you meant that you feel like oyu are dying, but you are still living on with these thoughts. If this is what you meant, then I had perfectly understood it and realized it as something very beautiful. The best you could you do is to keep on trying to live on even if you have that doubts and thoughts about the darkness and the death. This is a really sad but still beautiful poetry. I will accept the capitalization after the commas for a style that you had used for this poetry.
Good job and I hope you keep on writing poetries like this or continue with your novels because I know you have novels in mind also. Whatever you continue on doing, I would to see it when it is released.
All I can think as soon as I read this I think "oh wow". it has such a dark tone to it at first then when you realize how the person is slowly killing themselves it just turns darker. there are next to no mistakes except for you capitalize a word even if it had a comma at the end of the previous line. other than that this is amazing! jeep of the good work.
Wow.
I love the simplicity of this poem, but it's amazing message is like a pow to the heart. There's really only one thing I would change: almost all of your lines are capitalized at the beginning except for a few in the beginning. I, personally, would go back and capitalize those other lines, but of course, it's up to you. I can totally relate to this, and I love how you used a gun as a metaphor for what ever your smoking. I can't wait to read more of your work!
Good Luck,
Rascalover
I really like this.
I enjoy how subtly you introduce the drug use.
The repetition of:
"I guess I'm dying,
And if I'm not,
I'm surely trying..."
Is very effective.
This poem has a wonderfully sombre tone and as the reader, I feel as though I, too, am trapped in the hopeless cycle that the narrator is in. This has a very nice, steady rhythm.