His Last Words

Hi!
This was .... sad very sad. But it still was beautiful. I liked it and though its tragic i cannot help bit call it beautiful.
The only thing i would suggest is that please capitalize all the 'I' s in your poem. It dosent look nice without it.

Overall i loved your poem and wish to see more of your works in the future. Untill the next time... keep up the good work.

Fangirl~

(Sorry this wad short and wont be helpful)

This is a really really heart breaking and I,personally,can not relate to you because it had not happened to me but I understand the sadness but still good thoughts in this piece of writing.Your work is amazing and it is amazing that you do it for your best friend.I am sure he is really on a better place and he is smiling to you because you had wrote this.I saw the punctuation a bit off but everything else is okey and you have the best of you in it ,I am sure.
Thank you for sharing this.Your best friend is surely proud of you.

Hello, SarinaThomas~ I'm here to review your piece today.

My condolences on the loss of your friend. These things are extremely difficult to deal with, and you have my sympathy. I can tell that the content of your poem comes from a place that is very close to you.

However, I feel like we should examine the purpose of the poem and see if we can further honor your friend by changing your poem so that it better accomplishes the goals and intent of the poem.

Let's look at your intent. What are you trying to accomplish with this goal? You begin by talking to the friend, but you mention things in the poem that this person would know. I believe the base intent of this poem was to have some catharsis, but also you seem to want people to remember this person.

You seem to focus on your personal reactions to the loss, which is fine, but I think it would be more effective if you had more of a conversation with an old friend who has left on a journey or something. I know that the loss is still very fresh for you. Eight months is no time at all, really.

When I reminisce, I talk about the good times we had together with that person. In that way, we can talk about things that that other person already knows. Like when I say to my roommate, "remember that time we went to the zoo and that giraffe licked you?" While that is a funny example, and you might want to focus on the painful memories, specific memories are more effective than general statements like "i never knew how bad it was." What signs would you be searching for if had you understood that it was worse than you thought?

Watch out for cliches. Cliches are images that no longer spark a reader's imagination because they have been used so much. The mind goes straight to the figurative meaning without any beautiful images seen in the mind's eye of the reader. I understand what you're trying to convey when you say, "my heart broke into pieces," but you could state it in a way that draws the reader in more rather than using the overused image of heartbreak to get your point across. I suggest even likening it to something that this friend did. Something relating to a memory.
"my heart broke like the fishbowl
you knocked off of Mrs. Keany's desk."
Specific images and memories are more powerful than general statements.

On a similar note, readers generally know what "a better place" means, but get more specific. Use your imagination. Why is this place better for this person? Are they free from a specific hurt or pain? Is their skin bathed in late afternoon light as they roll in endless fields? Imagery will help this poem stick in the mind of the reader.

A general tip for imagery is to use your five senses to fill in the blanks, if you do feel like adding more.

I suggest using either italics or quotation marks at the end, not both. I was confused by the punctuation. Also, when you end a poem with an ellipsis, you weaken the end of the poem. Use a period instead. It is firmer and stronger.

I really do like that you said "I was blank." It was a nice way to describe how you were feeling. Too many people describe that feeling as "empty" or "numb," but you used a word that is unusual for that particular feeling, which I thought was really nice.

Altogether, I enjoyed reading and reviewing this poem for you. I hope that this review proves useful to you. If you have any questions about this review, feel free to reply and ask me! I hope that this poem has provided catharsis for you, and that this loss does not weigh down your soul forever. I applaud you for sharing such a personal work. Happy writing.

hey its me Teacake013 ready to review your literature. just so you know i do not try to say anything that will make anyone mad. so if i do i'm so sorry. also i hope you review my stories too. thanks for listening.

i really respect that you wrote this for your best friend and because of this i have not edits for it. This is because an emotional work like that cant be changed or shouldn't be changed. Tho you probably heard this a lot, I am really sorry for your loss. NO one deserves to got through that.

i am really moved by your best friends words and i am so happy you decided to share that to the world. It was really amazing. the poem tells a moral and a personal story even tho sad. It still gives faith and hope and that a one in a million thing.
thanks for sharing this so i could see it.

love your faithful reviewer, Teacake013