Love is great. Love is fine.
It'll stab you in your spine.
On your back, staring up,
all your thoughts are like a pup's.
-
I peered through the window like a lost child. I can't remember anything; my name, emotions, where I am, or who I was with. It's not that I can't remember...it's that I don't. There isn't a single thing I know except for the fact that I am lost and I didn't know who I am. I looked over to the people I was with, bewildered by the fact I was such a blank human being...That is what I am, right? It was all just a blur in my head and nothing made sense. Where am I? Who am I?
"Hey mate, take a seat." A gesture towards me caught my eye. I tilted my head and turned my body towards the group. I slid to the floor carefully, pressing my hands on the floor for support.
"Do you remember anything?" A girl's kind voice filled my head and I managed to shake my head, still clueless.
"Your name? Who we are?" Someone else asked. I looked to them and shook my head once more.
The group exchanged puzzled looks. "A-Are you sure you don't remember?" a boy asked, worriedly. He scratched the back of his neck cautiously and pursed his lips. I shook my head. I don't remember anything.
"Charlotte?" One of the girls asked. I gulped. Is that my name?
I looked at the individuals with a cocked eyebrow. Very faintly did I know that name. The group waited for an answer but I never gave one. The boy's green eyes sparkled with hope but it faded with no response. His penny colored hair was ruffled up and his arm was in a sling cast around his shoulder and torso. I looked over to a girl who was probably about eight or nine and she gently smiled. She had long black hair and a grey hoodie on. Her face was very pale--it almost had that sickly tint to it. And then I looked to the last boy gave a small bow as a gesture of kindness towards me. But why?
"Charlotte?" The first boy asked once more. "Are you okay?"
I tilted my head like a lost dog. "Where are we?" I finally spoke. My voice was raspy and dry. My throat burned like when bile coats the back of your throat. After a few moments, Reese answered.
"We're in England."
My heart faltered, and I didn't answer. Confusion rose throughout my body. England? Are we susposed to be here?
End of chapter
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140,220 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Heya, babe. Casanova here to do a review for you! I'll dive straight in.
I'll review this as a poem. First off, the rhyme is completely forced and I would suggest not formatting the line to the rhyme. Free verse it. The other thing is, it doesn't make much sense, and I would suggest elaborating on it. Anyway, onward.
Ugh, dialogue. I hate it, I despise it. Okay, so. Make it less robotic, and stop using the same connecting piece with it. What I mean is mix up your wording and phrasing where it flows naturally, like if you were actually talking to a person. The next thing would be stop using,"asked," or other dialogue pieces so many times, because it just doesn't seem right. Mix it up. Use inquired, demanded to know, puzzled, etc, etc, etc. All of these are good and keeps you from using the same connecting piece over and over and over, if you didn't get the hint by now. Anyway, onward.
The next big thing I would have to say about this piece is that there's not a lot of it, and I feel like there should be more. Add to it, especially about the characters. Go into their thoughts and feelings about certain things if you can't think of anything else, but give us something more. More details about the surroundings, more detail about their interactions. Add more interactions. But give us something more. I'll assume this has a first chapter, so I'll be looking for that.
Anyway, overall I think this is a decent concept that could use a bit of work.
I think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Love, Matt
Awesome. You did wonderful on this introduction, and i love it. You used a technique I called a hook and sinker technique. This technique to me is only good when your main charter has no idea whats going. The reason why this works for that scenario is because we learn more about the story as the main charter learns it. So it will always have us in suspense, great job.
This a breath-taking introduction.
The title doesn't really go with this piece though. I get that it is just an introduction, but isn't the introduction supposed to give a description of the rest of the book? To me, at this point, since it is just the introduction, this person seems to have just forgotten, but nothing has happened that has given me the idea that she was brainwashed. I personally believe you should put something in the introduction that gives that reader some kind of concept that she was actually brainwashed. For example, instead of her not remembering, maybe have her think her name is something different. Because the definition of brainwashed is, someone or something made you think something or do something that you didn't want to do.
This is just a suggestion. The whole piece was really intriguing though and I loved the read. It really makes me want to read the rest of the book.
Hi there:)
This is a very gripping piece and I like the idea that we have to figure out the character's past with her. The main crit I have is that you should pay close attention to your tenses. If you take this section for example:
"I can't remember anything; my name, emotions, where I am, or who I was with. It's not that I can't remember...it's that I don't. There isn't a single thing I know except for the fact that I am lost and I didn't know who I am. I looked over to the people I was with, bewildered by the fact I was such a blank human being." you start with "can't" (present) then go to "was" (past) and then back to (present) with "don't" and then take us to "didn't" (past).
Over all, I think this is a wonderful introduction and has me looking forward to reading more:)
I am new to this site, joined about 10 minutes ago. if you have the time, i would greatly appreciate it if you might check my work out.
Hey Sarina! Stella here! I don't think we've met but I have to wonder with the usernames and all, are we related?
This was really intriguing! You've got a really nice style of prose and I really could feel Charlotte's fear and confusion throughout this little snippet and I think that was really good.
A few bits of feedback:
1) the lyrics/poem at the beginning - is that of your own? The last line just didn't quite feel right. "Like a pup's" just felt like a bit of an awkward rhyme and I'd say that you're able to do much better than that. If it's a quote from elsewhere, don't forget to credit it!
2) Dialogue punctuation. I know, I know, it's boring, it's dull, everybody hates learning about punctuation or thinking that they should start paying attention to it. The thing is, the system exists so that the way we read is uniform, grammar and punctuation are important because they help us understand. To that end, I really recommend that you read my friend Demeter's article on Punctuation within Dialogue - just to understand where to put full stops, where to put commas etc etc. Trust me, once you learn this, your dialogue comes off as so much stronger and you appear a much more polished, experienced writer.
3) The plot of the snippet - I feel like her friends all too quickly jumped in with the "Do you not remember anything? Let's start with introductions!" Of course, in terms of us as readers, it's great for us to get all the information in such a systematic way. But if your friend has just lost their memory, that's not what happens. People don't go around in a circle giving out introductions. There'll be more panic more. "Are you - are you sure? What do you mean you don't remember me?" Also, Charlotte doesn't really speak at all - I know she's scared but it just made the introductions feel a bit wooden or something. The dialogue just didn't strike me as the most natural thing in the world. Imagine if it was you and your friends, what would happen? Would there be one person trying to take control of the situation? Would there be someone cracking jokes? I'd just love to see a more natural conversation between a group of teens - and that way even as we get the information, we can be learning more about these characters and getting invested in them.
This was really short, I'm sure if there was a bit more I would understand more of what was going on in the story! But overall, you have a lovely writing style, just a little bit of polish and you'll be good
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hello Stella, nice to meet you. We haven't met and I don't have anyone in my family named Stella so I believe not ): But it's quite awesome we have the same last name. Anyway, thank you so much for the review. It means a lot due to the fact I am majorly editing a lot of other works and haven't gotten to this one yet. This review, like Wolfical's, has helped me a lot. Thank you again and have a wonderful day. I'll let you know whenever I've posted more works that I need editing on.
Also, the poem stanza is mine, and what I mean't by the last line was a puppy is usually very energetic and all over the place. There are a few exceptions but that was what I was aiming for. "your thoughts are everywhere."
Hello Sarina!
Saying that the group was puzzled makes it seem as if they weren't expecting Charlotte to lose her memory. But the first question one of the girls asks is "Do you remember anything?" which tells me that the idea of amnesia isn't all that far-out.
The underlined bit doesn't make much sense. Staring blankly is fine and dandy in itself, especially in the context of the main character's current state of mind, but staring blankly because it seems like someone is expecting an answer...? A little bit of rewording is in order.
Even though Charlotte didn't know simply her own name, she recognizes and knows the significance of a place's name. I don't know much about amnesia, but that seems contradictory to me.
This first chapter, although short, certainly has me wondering. Why has Charlotte lost her memory? Who are her friends, and what's the big deal about them being in England? I love how you've set up a sort of cliffhanger. It makes me want to read more and figure out how Charlotte got into this mess! Even though I hardly know anything about her, I'm sympathizing with her and hoping she'll be okay.
On the other hand, there are certain areas of expansion that you could work on with this chapter, especially because it's so short and there's plenty of open room to work with. First, a better description of the setting is in order. I'd like to know what the time period is and where these characters are (in a more direct sense than just England). A hinting of a more immediate conflict would be nice, too. Having a clueless main character might be conflict enough, but is there an antagonist that you could introduce or hint at? Right now, we know that the main character wants to get her memory back. But after that, then what? What other reason do I have to be interested in this novel?
Keep up the great writing. If you have any questions about what I said, don't hesitate to ask. I'm looking forward to reading more chapters!
Thank you so much for this review. Like I said on my own wall, I'm majorly editing a lot of my old works to make them better and have yet to get to this one, so I posted it for some feedback such as this. Thank you, again!