z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language Violence

Corpses [One]

by Eternity


"Leo. Leo, wake up." a sigh escaped a small boy's lips as he shook the motionless body of Leo. Jace cried out, holding Leo's hand. Tears stained his cheeks and he waited for something from his older sister.

Leo gasped, sitting up quickly. She looked around frantically and fell back in pain as she took a sharp intake of breath to her lungs.

"Leo?!" Jace asked, leaning over Leo. Leo looked at the little boy's face and tilted her's.

"Jace?" Leo whispered, gently raising her arm to his cheek. She stroked his defiant cheekbones, trying to clean the tears away. Jace was quick to hug her due to thinking his sister was dead.

"Leo, you scared me." he whispered as his arms were tight around Leo's wounded body.

Shuffles of feet hitting the floor echoed in the room and the two looked around.

A tall figure walked out from behind a pillar and tilted its head to the side. It must have been a man. He was only a silhouette in the moonlight. Leo forced herself from the floor and stepped closer to the man, her knuckles white from clenching them so hard. The man stepped backward and raised his hand.

"Halt." his stern voice filled Leo's blank mind. She mumbled and paused, Jace behind her, gripping the hem of her shirt. He was quivering, causing Leo to appear shaking as well.

"Scared?" the man growled. Leo shook her head.

"Who are you?" Leo asked, growling.

The man snickered. It was one you would never forget. Father.

"H-How did you escape?" Leo stammered.

"I have ways, sweetheart. Now let's go home. When the wolves howl, corpses fall." a devious smile was pasted on the man's face.

Leo looked at Jace, who shook his head. "No." Leo looked back at their father. "We're not going home with you. I'm calling the cops." Leo searched for her phone and quickly dialed 911.

"That's not the best idea, love. Put the phone down. Now.

"Hello, this is 911. What is your emergency?"

Leo felt her heart jump as her father took a few steps toward her. "Hello. I h-have a murderer h-here at 87 Oaklyn R-Road."

"We'll be there shortly. Please, stay calm." They hung up and Leo bit her lip.

"You'll regret that, Leo." Father growled and looked around for an escape. Leo turned quickly and knelt down. "Stay here. If anything happens, tell the nice man who's coming. to help, okay?" Jace nodded quickly. He was still trembling. Regret rushed over Leo but she pushed it away.

One step toward her father and her heart pounded against her chest, harder and harder. Her small steps escalated into running. She continued running after her father, leaping onto him to get him to the floor. He growled and flung his arm up, clenching his fists. He hit Leo's jaw hard and Leo fell back with her hand flinging to her jaw. She hissed and managed to get up enough to fling her body at him. She toppled him and punched his nose, hearing a small crunch. The man rolled on top of her, straddling her torso. He grabbed her shirt collar and yanked her up before slamming her down into the concrete. He held her shirt tight and made a fist, punching her face brutally.

Leo gasped for air and the man grabbed her throat. He used his other hand to grab his pocket knife in his back pocket. He withdrew the blade and held it to her throat, pressing the tip into her skin. "You'll regret doing this, Leo." Her father took the blade from her throat and slashed her cheek. Leo hissed in pain. She held her eyes closed, quivering on the ground. The man got up and looked at Jace.

Jace watched in astonishment and started to step forward. "Leo?" he croaked. His eyes darted to his father. "D-Dad..."

"What?" he snapped. That gleam in his eyes sent shivers down Jace's spine.

Jace stood fairly stunned. "How could you hurt her?"

Their father looked at Jace, staring him down. He belittled him. "Leo was bad. Come here, Jace. Let's go home."

"No." Jace stomped his foot. He narrowed his eyes at his father when he tried to come near him. "Stay away!" he yelled.

"Matthias," Leo croaked. "Stay away from him." Leo was still on the ground. She was coughing really hard now. Blood was streaming from her lip. 

Matthias turned to her and hissed, "I'm your father. 

More footsteps sounded and the click of guns loading echoed. "Hands up. You're surrounded."

Jace ran past his father to one of the men in a police officer suit. He hugged onto their leg and began crying. The police officer bent down and rubbed the little boy's back. "Shh," he whispered.

A trainee walked out from behind the officers, gun loaded. The small boy must've been at least sixteen. He walked toward Leo, sorrowing in his eyes when he saw who it was. "Leo..." his whispered. He picked her up carefully, bringing Jace and her to the police cars. The others inched closer to the male who stood in the middle of the circle.

"Get down on your knees." One officer announced.

Matthias snickered, "Fine." He got down on his knees, pretending to hold his hands behind his back.

A few officers crept closer and one had a red laser pointer on his head. "Any moves and we shoot." he growled.

Matthias nodded and rolled his eyes as the police cuffed his hands behind him. The metal was tight around his wrists, cutting into his skin. He mumbled and was taken to the back of a police car.

"There will be revenge." Matthias frowned, glaring at Leo and Jace.

Leo was being tended to by the boy and Jace sat on the hood of the car. Leo had awoke from the stinging pains in her arms, chest, and face. The wounds stung the most when the boy wiped an alcohol wipe over them. He looked up, meeting eyes with her. Her lip was bleeding again from her biting it to bare the pain. The boy reached up with a tissue and patted the tissue gently against Leo's lip.

"Why did he do this to you?" he spoke softly, shaking his head. He withdrew the tissue and examined Leo carefully.

"This is my father we are talking about, Levi." Leo looked away, closing her eyes.

Levi looked at Jace. "Come here, bud. Let's check out those cuts."

Jace jumped down and pouted. "They're booboos." He frowned and sulked over to Levi.

Levi chuckled and stretched his arms out to embrace Jace. Jace looked up for a moment and about half way to Levi, he ran to Levi and hugged him. A little grin tugged at Levi's lip. "Let's fix these booboos, okay?" He grabbed a few more alcohol wipes and gently stroked Jace's little scrapes just to make him feel better. Jace was still somewhat shaking but he seemed to be distracted quite easily.

"All better, kiddo?" Levi ruffled Jace's hair as he nodded quickly and Jace sat down on Levi's lap after being offered. Levi turned to Leo so that both Levi and Jace faced her.

Leo gave a small smile, "All better."


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624 Reviews


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Sun Mar 26, 2017 9:08 am
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, babe! Casanova here to do a review for you. Let's dive right in.


Oh, this one is somewhat longish. Whoop, finally. More bones to chew on. Onward!

"Leo. Leo, wake up." a sigh escaped a small boy's lips as he shook the motionless body of Leo. Jace cried out, holding Leo's hand. Tears stained his cheeks and he waited for something from his older sister.

Leo gasped, sitting up quickly. She looked around frantically and fell back in pain as she took a sharp intake of breath to her lungs.

"Leo?!" Jace asked, leaning over Leo. Leo looked at the little boy's face and tilted her's.

"Jace?" Leo whispered, gently raising her arm to his cheek. She stroked his defiant cheekbones, trying to clean the tears away. Jace was quick to hug her due to thinking his sister was dead.

"Leo, you scared me." he whispered as his arms were tight around Leo's wounded body.


As always, let's start with dialogue. This dialogue is... Bleh. You use whispered twice in lines that are right next to each other, and to me at least that's a no no. I can't stand bland connecting pieces, let alone them being used a couple of times in a short span. Use something else, even if it's just,"his voice was muffled," or,"said in a hushed tone. Something like that, or something else. Anything besides repeating it. Anyway, onward.

So it seems like I have a little more to go off of character wise in this one. Let's start. You don't really give us all that much about the MC's. I was expecting some sort of description, thoughts, feelings maybe, along with more detailed interaction, but you really don't give that to us here. You let the story play out, but it's without interest into the main characters. Build your background, build your plot, build your characters, and let them unfold at the same time.

The next thing would be, although this is a bit of a longer chapter, it seems to go by too fast. I would suggest adding a bit more of what I said above. More descriptions, more thoughts, more feelings. Not just of the characters on the first one there, but of the surroundings and stuff like that. I would like to see it. I would also say more intense interactions between the characters. Describe what they're doing, let their actions speak for them instead of relying on dialogue the entire time.


Overall I think this is a decent concept and I'd like to see where it goes.

Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on,

Love, Matt




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Sat May 28, 2016 3:14 pm
Echo090 wrote a review...



Hello mah friend. Good job on this piece. This is my rusty review, forgive me for this.

1.) I often find myself detached from the story because of how unrealistic some parts were.

First unrealistic aspect of the story is the psycho-breaks-free-from-mental-institution-to-go-back-to-someone-and-make-conflict cliche. I'm not very sure if it's even a cliche. LOL. Forgive my lack of knowledge, but I just find it very trite, especially in the horror genre.

Second unrealistic aspect of the story is how fast the cops were. I swear you just wanted the conflict to end fast. I would have like a bit more before the cops came, maybe a moment to explore their relationships? Also why that many cops? Also the red laser pointer thingy is usually associated with snipers, so I find it unusual to be there in such a place. Or maybe that's a cliche too. LOL. God knows what's cliche these days. Haha.

2.) I know it would be silly to suggest you not to use Leo for a girl's name, but it was just really inconvenient for me. Then there were issues also with the narration that GreatKing already mentioned, so that added to the confusion.

3.) I wish you could rewrite the ending. It sort of felt nothing, as if nothing happened, Jace isn't even traumatized or anything. I know, I know this isn't a valid critique, I'm just speaking out loud, but I wish it could have been more. Like I wanted a pretty ribbon to wrap what the experience was for Jace and Leo or just anything. "All better" was a too positive ending for me. Too positive that it negated all the horror aspect of the story from its previous scenes.

That will be all, keep writing and have a happy life mah friend!




Eternity says...


Just so you know, there's a reason everything happened as it did. Although I wrote this why I was half asleep and over the period of a few days, I have yet to sit down and edit it hence why I have uploaded it here. I know I fairly rushed things but I can tell you it's not unrealistic or impossible for someone to escape a mental institution. Leo is not just a boy's name, but I see where you're coming from. I know girls named Tyler and Jason. But it could Leo could potentially be her nickname. Eleonore. Leo is, in fact, her name and this is just one part to a short story. This plans to be a book and I may have not come clearly on this, so for that, I apologize, but thank you for this review. I know I seemed fairly rude and I didn't at all mean for that.



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Sat May 28, 2016 2:33 pm
Elijah wrote a review...



King Here

Hello there, Eternity! I think you are the one who deserves my 350th review enough to make me write this review. I really like this full of sadness and tragedy story. Such a father beating up his own child. It was really horrible. Well, at least in the end everything was totally fine. I really like Levi's character. Kind of mysterious. Pretty glad the father of their was caught in the end. It was a very good read indeed, fellow writer! Only small nitpicks.


"Jace?" Leo whispered, gently raising his arm to his cheek.


I know this sounds weird but Leo, the way you described the narrator, sounds like a girl. Or actually both. I was really confused and I think I need fast basic explaination. I think Jace is the small boy that actually holds Leo's body. When we started talking about Leo, you started with 'she' but then 'his hand on his cheek'. I assume Leo is female, the boy's older sister, and you had not written the sentence right? It needs to be 'gently raising her arm to his cheek'.


A tall figure walked out from behind a pillar and tilted it's head to the side.


It needs to be 'its' in this sentence.


He was only a silhouette in the moon light.

Moonlight is one word.


You hurt Leo.


I think it needs to be 'hurted' in past tense because after that his dialogue continues in past tense and they are connected.

The wounds stung when the most when the boy wiped an alcohol wipe over them. He looked up, meeting eyes with her.


You have two times 'when' here. I think you need to remove the first one to give sense to the sentence.

He grabbed a few



more alcohol wipes and gently stroked Jace's little scrapes just to make him feel better.


Maybe you had pressed the enter button too early. There two parts needs to be together.


That is all!
As expected from you, you did a very good job.
*hopes to see more novels*




Eternity says...


Thank you sm King ^-^ It really means a lot. I plan to write this story a lot better than my others. I have it really planned out too.



Elijah says...


It is one part only or there is more?



Eternity says...


There's more




“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables