"Liliana?" Jackson called out dryly. He pushed himself from the dirt floor, struggling to get up. His arms were weak and wobbly. He received no response.
"Liliana!" Jackson croaked, his voice more stern. Still no answer.
Jackson sat up, keeling over. A rush of dizziness overcame him. He fell back to the floor and the sound of chains echoed. He weakly opened his eyes, examining his wrists. He was chained up.
Where am I?
Suddenly the door to the room creaked open and light shined through. Jackson curled up, looking away from the light.
"Rise and shine, kid. Get up." a deep voice hissed.
Jackson looked at the person who stood over him. It was a middle aged man with black hair. His arms were muscular and built. Jackson tried to pull himself from the ground again. The man stomped which startled Jackson.
"Let's go. Time is ticking." The man growled. Jackson stumbled to his feet, slouched over. His legs were wobbly and he eventually became unstable. The man grabbed Jackson's shirt and held him up. Jackson closed his eyes and his neck gave out, hanging low like his neck was snapped.
Another man came over and took the chains off Jackson's wrist. His wrists were rubbed raw from the metal. The men escorted him to another room where they threw him against the ground and he looked up, startled.
"Ah, Jackson Lumiere." someone snickered.
Jackson felt chills run down his spine. He closed his eyes, hanging his head. "S-Sir."
"Oh, hush. I did not call for you just so you can treat me like I'm important."
Jackson mumbled, "Fine." He opened his eyes and sat up. His head still hung low, submissive.
The man snarled at Jackson, "Get up, kid. Don't be lazy."
Jackson obeyed, getting up weakly.
Another man snickered, "Never gonna get anywhere with actually listening."
"Shut up."
"He's right. Obedience is for dogs. He ain't no dog as far as I can see." some girl walked into the room, shaking her head. "Sir, Liliana is refusing to say much at all."
Jackson's eyes darted to her and he perked up at Liliana's name. "Liliana?"
The girl looked over and nodded, "Yeah. Know her?"
"She's my sister." Jackson nodded, looking to the floor.
"The runt speaks!" A man chuckled. The boys burst into laughter and the girl looked at Jackson, tilting her head.
"Come with me," she whispered as she walked towards him, taking him out of the room. "I'm going to help you."
End of chapter
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139,345 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Heya, babe! Casanova here to do a review for you. Let's get into this.
Dialogue needs a lot of work. I'm going to hit some main points with it.
Okay, first thing here. You keep the finality going throughout the entire chapter. The period. One or two is okay, but you use it in almost every sentence that you have. Spread out, use some commas and something besides a final end. It just seems to final, ya know? We want to know what their voice is like when they speak, what they're thinking, what they're doing. The period, even if you have their tone of voice afterwards, sends too big of a wave of finality to it that I do not enjoy. I would suggest fixing that up.
The next thing would be the stiffness of this piece. It just seems so... Taught, so... Boring? The dialogue, I mean. There's no diversity, it's like robots are talking, and I didn't really enjoy that. Then again, when do I enjoy dialogue ina story? Take my advice or leave it, I just think that you could do some touch up work to the dialogue and make it shine.
The next thing would be diversing how you say something. What I mean is, don't constantly use the common,"he said," "she asked," ,"they yelled," type of dialogue. Diverse it up, polish it. You do good with saying,"hissed," but that's the only one that I could really pick up in this one.
You have an interesting concept going, but I do think that your characters could use some work. Honestly, this is a prologue, we should be getting more out of the characters than what we're giving here. As it stands, we basically know nothing of the characters personalities, their lives, or anything like that, and I want to see it.
Anyway, overall I think that you have an interesting concept that could use some work.
I think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Love, Matt
I have to say, I'm certainly interested in seeing something come from this. The premise is intriguing, and what little we've seen of our central characters has piqued my curiosity. You've certainly got a good start.
As a prologue, there isn't much to add. The general theme and tone of the story is there, and basic relationships are there. In the coming chapters, an idea could be to spend a little time developing your central relationship of Jackson and Liliana. Maybe flash between the present horror and the past, because (to me) it may be hard to feel terror for a character we don't know.
Great start, keep at it pal. I'll keep an eye on your work!
Definitely my plan. Thank you so much for the review
It means a lot.
Raindrop here for your review!
I just woke up so excuse me.
1.The tittle was good.Specially I like simple tittles so you had my attention.I rarely admit that but it happens a lot lately.So from the very beginning,I was interested.
I will just go on and write it with my own corrections.Ask out if you need to.
"Liliana...?" (Italic)
Jackson called out dryly. He pushed himself from the dirt floor, struggling to get up. His arms were weak and wobbly. He heard no answer back/ reseaved no answer
"Liliana!" (Maybe in Italic ,still climax)
Jackson croaked, his voice becoming even more sterm.
Still no answer.(put it alone and/or Italic)
Jackson sat up, keeling over.
(Kneeling?)
A rush of dizziness overcame him. He fell back to the floor and the sound of chains echoed. He weakly opened his eyes, examining his wrists. He was chained up.
Where am I? (Italic)
Jackson thought.
Suddenly the door to the room creaked open and light shined through. Jackson closed his eyes and hissed slightly at the light. All he could see was shadows through his eyelids.
"Rise and shine, kid. Get up." a deep voice hissed.
Jackson opened his eyes again and looked at the person who stood over him. It was a middle aged man with black hair. His arms were muscular and built. Jackson tried to push/ himself from the ground again. The man stomped which startled Jackson.
"Let's go. Time is ticking." The man growled. Jackson stumbled to his feet and slouched over. His legs were wobbly and he eventually became unstable. The man grabbed Jackson's shirt and helped him stand up. Jackson closed his eyes and his neck gave out, hanging low like his neck was snapped.
(open eyes,closed eyes,open eyes..just)
Another man came over and took the chains off Jackson's wrist. His wrists were rubbed raw from the metal. The men escorted him to another room where they threw him on the ground and he looked up startled.
"Ah, Jackson Lumiere." someone snickered.
Jackson felt chills run down his spine. He closed his eyes, hanging his head. "S-Sir."
"Oh, hush. I did not call for you just so you can treat me like I'm important."
Jackson mumbled, "Fine." He opened his eyes and sat up. His head still hung low being submissive.
The man snarled at Jackson, "Get up, kid. Don't be lazy."
Jackson obeyed, getting up weakly.
Another man snickered, "Never going to get anywhere with just listening."
"Shut up."
"He's right. Obedience is for dogs. He is no dog as far as I can see." some girl walked into the room, shaking her head. "Sir, Liliana is refusing to say anything at all."
Jackson looked around at the men as they talked. He perked up at Liliana's name. "Liliana?"
The girl looked over and nodded, "Yeah. Know her?"
"She's my sister." Jackson looked away, not making eye contact.
"The runt speaks!" A man chuckled. The boys burst into laughter and the girl looked at Jackson, tilting her head.
"Come with me," she whispered as she walked towards me, taking me out of the room. "I'm going to help you." /sudden change of prespective so make it more visible/
Maybe only the sudden tense changes and too long sentences.Your punctuation is fine.
Go on!