we ponder of something terrifying
maybe all we need is some clarifying
we wonder why we think so much
everybody’s got their own sense of touch
things sometimes fall apart
but we got our memories at heart
don't let go from what you’ve got
maybe it takes just a little shot
we’re getting high off the fumes
everybody lay in your tombs
don't let the others let you down
we’ll pick you up, fix your crown
so fly away with the birds of the north
and move on, c’mon, march forth
we’ve all got our struggles, and battles to fight
so just let there be light
‘cause there once was someone who you were
but that person is just a blur
now let your world just fall to pieces
before the negative thought releases
if you’re going to fall too fast
you’re never going to last
everybody is telling you you’re too weak
one day, you’ll be a simple antique
but don't listen to the people who don't understand
everything in life is simply unplanned
so if you were to go, i'm sure they wouldn't care
they probably would laugh, and think it’s a dare
yet they don't know how you actually feel
because the simple idea is just way too surreal
but you wave goodbye anyway, not caring what they think
because all feelings do is make you shrink
so you give up with a smile, standing on the edge
but man, is this really how you wanna end it? standing on that ledge?
get down from there, and think about what you’re doing!
all those people below are just simply booing.
don’t let them get to you, no, suicide isn’t the answer!
look again, at yourself; you were once a happy prancer
but now you sit in corners, and cry yourself to sleep
‘cause nothing more is suitable than sitting there to weep
you aren’t nothing, so quit thinking it.
i know you’re having trouble, but think how many hearts will split
you ain’t solving anything by leaving, do you hear me?
so just let them talk, on and on, but they’ll soon leave you be.
let ‘em holler, let ‘em rave
all they’re gonna do is wave
say goodbye, say hello
but there’s too many scars to show.
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140,220 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Heya, Rin! Casanova here to do a review for you! Anyway, this will be short.
Just a few things to cover.
The first thing is this seems more lyrical than anything, and I honestly prefer lyrics over poetry. Poetry is meh at best. But I think you did this idea some good, and I just have a few minor things to say about this.
The first thing would be flow. In several places your flow seems to either drop off or speed up suddenly, and I don't think that it works out that well.
The next thing is you're using a shopping list of things. What I mean by this is you're using constant,"I," and,"you," statements to tell the story, and for me at least(now) you want to refrain from using that unless it fits perfectly. Over usage of this can harm the poem, taking away the emotion and honestly it restricts your imagery to a certain point.
The third thing would be the imagery. I felt as if it was lacking a bit, and I'd like to see you bump it up a little. Mess around with images, don't list things off, and find a middle ground with your emotion. You've plowed your ground and you've planted your seed. Now work in this field of poetry until you've got a good harvest on your hands.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Love, Matt
I'll start off by saying this is a wonderful piece, though the rhyming seems forced. I wouldn't focus too much on rhyming than the quality of the poem. It is a great poem, though I feel it needs some work. Some parts don't make sense to me. Like the last few lines. I see you cleared that up below in another review but due to being the second person not understanding the full entirety, I would change it. Anyways, it's a wonderful poem. Keep it up, and have a nice day/night.
Hello! I've not done many reviews on here so I'm not particularly good at them, please bear with me and feel free to ignore my advice if you don't agree with it. I'm still learning and it may not be particularly accurate.
I really enjoyed this poem, it's one of my favourites that I've read on this website. The first couple of lines reminded me of 'Car Radio' by Twenty One Pilots, which caught my attention. I liked the rhyming within it, I think it created quite a fast pace similar to a song or a rap, which was enjoyable to read. I also really liked the ideas and message behind it, it definitely struck a chord with me. The lack of capitalisation is great as well, I use it in all of my poems and a lot of people on this website have pointed it out to me or told me to change it. I just wanted to say that you aren't the only using it and as a stylistic choice it's completely valid, no matter what anyone might tell you.
The only feedback I thought might be helpful is I think the exclamation marks that you use detract a bit from the message of the poem. I think they make it sound a bit more like a piece of writing or a conversation instead of a poem, and it would be more effective for you to leave them out. However, it's your choice obviously.
The last thing was the last three lines, I was a bit confused by them? Could you possibly explain to me what they mean? Maybe I'm just being ignorant but they seemed a bit unclear to me.
Overall, great poem! Hope you have a lovely day/ night.
Hello! I've not done many reviews on here so I'm not particularly good at them, please bear with me and feel free to ignore my advice if you don't agree with it. I'm still learning and it may not be particularly accurate.
I really enjoyed this poem, it's one of my favourites that I've read on this website. The first couple of lines reminded me of 'Car Radio' by Twenty One Pilots, which caught my attention. I liked the rhyming within it, I think it created quite a fast pace similar to a song or a rap, which was enjoyable to read. I also really liked the ideas and message behind it, it definitely struck a chord with me. The lack of capitalisation is great as well, I use it in all of my poems and a lot of people on this website have pointed it out to me or told me to change it. I just wanted to say that you aren't the only using it and as a stylistic choice it's completely valid, no matter what anyone might tell you.
The only feedback I thought might be helpful is I think the exclamation marks that you use detract a bit from the message of the poem. I think they make it sound a bit more like a piece of writing or a conversation instead of a poem, and it would be more effective for you to leave them out. However, it's your choice obviously.
The last thing was the last three lines, I was a bit confused by them? Could you possibly explain to me what they mean? Maybe I'm just being ignorant but they seemed a bit unclear to me.
Overall, great poem! Hope you have a lovely day/ night.
Thank you so much for the review! It means a lot. I am glad I'm not the only one that uses the non-capitalization because I just feel like it adds to the poem. I also agree about the exclamation points and I'll edit that in a second.
About the last three lines--
"all they%u2019re gonna do is wave
say goodbye, say hello
but there%u2019s too many scars to show."
--I meant this: (I'll break it down line by line)
"All they're gonna do is wave,"
okay, so in this line I was trying to say that the kids who are against "you" are just gonna wave as "you" "jump". If that makes any sense. Basically, sense this poem is about inner strength and highlights suicide slightly, I was trying to touch upon the kids who won't feel bad.
"Say goodbye, Say hello
But there's too many scars to show."
I feel as if after rereading, the poem could do without these two lines. I don't know what I was trying to say with those. I think when I wrote this, I was too focused on the fact of rhyming and by the end, I was searching for someway to end it, however, I am slightly confused myself.
I hope that touches up what you were confused on. If not, just let me know. Also, I know it's a slight self-advertisement, but would you mind checking out my works on Static and perhaps leave some feedback? It'd mean a lot! Thank you so much, again.
Have a wonderful day.
That makes a lot more sense now, thank you for explaining it. And of course! It would be lovely if you could check one of my poems but don't worry about it if you can't.
I will do so as soon as I finish Chapter Two for Static. When I get the chance, I will
Hello! I've not done many reviews on here so I'm not particularly good at them, please bear with me and feel free to ignore my advice if you don't agree with it. I'm still learning and it may not be particularly accurate.
I really enjoyed this poem, it's one of my favourites that I've read on this website. The first couple of lines reminded me of 'Car Radio' by Twenty One Pilots, which caught my attention. I liked the rhyming within it, I think it created quite a fast pace similar to a song or a rap, which was enjoyable to read. I also really liked the ideas and message behind it, it definitely struck a chord with me. The lack of capitalisation is great as well, I use it in all of my poems and a lot of people on this website have pointed it out to me or told me to change it. I just wanted to say that you aren't the only using it and as a stylistic choice it's completely valid, no matter what anyone might tell you.
The only feedback I thought might be helpful is I think the exclamation marks that you use detract a bit from the message of the poem. I think they make it sound a bit more like a piece of writing or a conversation instead of a poem, and it would be more effective for you to leave them out. However, it's your choice obviously.
The last thing was the last three lines, I was a bit confused by them? Could you possibly explain to me what they mean? Maybe I'm just being ignorant but they seemed a bit unclear to me.
Overall, great poem! Hope you have a lovely day/ night.
That piece of art is amazing by itself but sometimes in some parts of it the rhyme seems forced and not suitable with the situation you are trying to grab the reader in while he is reading this.It is pretty long and it could be seen that you had put efforts in making it look good and sounds good if we read it out loud.Here and there corrections may be done.
On one place the rhyme is perfect and is understandable but on other places it is just forced so everything rhymes.You do not need to rhyme it all to make it suitable and interesting for the readers.Overall,I think it is amazing and well put.I like the positiveness!
Hello! Since this is a long poem, I will be reviewing as I read.
You're off to a good start. However, be careful when you decide to make poems rhyme. Poems do not have to rhyme. But if you want to write a poem that does rhyme, be careful to avoid making your rhymes sound forced. You'll want your rhymes and flow to be natural and not seem out of place in any way. I will give you an example of what I am talking about:
"we ponder of something terrifying
maybe all we need is some clarifying"
^These two lines flow well and the rhyme sounds natural.
"we wonder why we think so much
everybody’s got their own sense of touch"
^Those two, while they fit the flow, the second line seemed like it was only written in for the sake of consistency within the rhyme scheme. Consistency is important, but so is the way your poem sounds. If you can't make a rhyme scheme sound natural, I would advise against rhyming at all.
"but we
gothave our memories at heart"Maybe it was just the way I read it, but this line seemed out of place. It disrupts the flow of your poem. Also, it's "have", not "got".
"don't let the others
letget you downwe’ll pick you up, fix your crown"
I liked these two lines. They're my favorite so far. I would change the second "let" to "get" though, so it isn't as repetitive.
"so fly away with the birds of the north
and move on, c’mon, march forth
we’ve all got our struggles, and battles to fight
so just let there be light"
Again, the second and fourth lines seem out of place and the rhymes don't sound natural.
I've noticed you don't capitalize anything within the poem. Is this a stylistic choice? If not, I would change it. Otherwise, it's perfectly fine.
"but
there’stoo many scars to show.""but there are too many scars to show"
Also, this last line doesn't make sense to me. This whole poem, the message I'm getting is that this person shouldn't quit and let the world drag them down. It's got quite a positive tone to it, but then it ends on a negative note. Your last line needs to be among the strongest as that's what your readers will remember most, but your ending is rather weak in comparison to the rest of your poem.
In conclusion, your poem has a lot of potential, and you are pretty talented, but your poetry delivery could use a little bit of work. Try focusing more on descriptions and not being so straightforward in your poetry. Also try to use a wider variety of vocabulary. Don't just stick to the basic words, as they can get quite repetitive and make your reader lose interest. Try to capture as much emotion as possible within your poem.
That is all I have for you. Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!
Thank you so much! Feedback is always great. I'll take your advice to heart, because I totally get what you're saying. The capitalization thing, though--I chose not to capitalize anything. It was a choice
I do agree there are some mistakes here and there and somethings need to be fixed, but I thank you a lot for helping me realize where. Have a good day!