Cleo... Short whispers echoed in the back of my mind. I shook my head, trying to ignore them but the whispers only grew louder. Cleo... You can't escape...
"Escape what?" Questions ran through my head until my mind was left blank. I felt my breaths become more shallow and I gasped, my lungs burning for air. My head swirled and I felt my heart falter.
You can't escape the static. The voice hissed. I covered my ears, shaking my head. "Go away," I croaked.
An unusual feeling erupted within and I could feel my eyes roll back and my soul filled with emptiness. I inhaled a large intake of air; my lungs burning and aching. Though it wasn't me speaking, I growled in a fairly low tone, "You can't escape."
End of chapter
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139,486 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
Heya, Rin! Casanova here to do a review for you! Anyway, I'm going to do each paragraph then I"ll give an overall summary at the end, so I hope that's okay. To the review!
I didn't really find anything wrong here, and I rather like this. So props for that. Anyway, onward.
Here I can really sense you're describing anxiety and fear, and I like the detail of it. I think you get what you want out of these lines, so props for that. Anyway, onward.
Aye, you finally get to the point here. Static. I know static is usually what we either see on a television or what we hear whilst a phone call isn't working right, so I'm excited to see where you're taking this. Anyway, onward.
Alright, a couple things about this one. You'd already specified that your lungs were burning, I don't know the reason for repeating it here. The other thing is just a phrasing problem. You're describing fear and anxiety, yet this line,"Though it wasn't me speaking, I growled in a fairly low tone..." This here just seems a bit awkward, with the,"fairly low tone." I would suggest something like,"a low growl escaped my lips," or something like that. It's just a personal preference, I guess.
Anyway, overall I find this to be interesting and dramatic, and for the little you have I think you took it where it could go, so props for that.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Love, Matt~
Heyo!<3 You've already got quite a few reviews on this but I decided to leave my own two cents - on both your start and prologues in general. This'll be a fairly short review but I hope it helps! ^-^
I'm going to start this review off by saying that I enjoyed this! It was very interesting, and the touch of mystery and vague-ness to it was wonderful. The last line was very eye widening - I was curious as to what was happening and it definitely leaves me craving for more.
As for prologues: you have to keep in mind that most readers hate or dislike them, and many will just skip over them and start on the first chapter. In this case, it should be known that if this prologue has some importance to your story at all (effecting later chapters, important for plot development, etc) then it should be made into a first chapter or even combined into the beginning of chapter one. Prologues are very risky, and if done right, they are good, but if not, eh. If this is just something that could be a chapter one (a bit short, though) and it just slapped with the title of prologue, I would advise changing it.
Overall, though, I thought the writing itself was marvelous! Everyone below has seemed to touch up on the technical stuff so I won't add anything else.
Keep writing!~
~ EternalRain
It's short, but great.
You get straight to the point and I like that. I really don't see much it needs reviewing on or critiques because it's well-written and enjoyable. I'd prefer more details due to horror, but this is your writing.
Out of curiosity, I'm excited to see what happens.
Keep up the good work, kid.
Just don't forget those details.
They're a fragile part in writing.
Hmm, are you sure static is the word you're looking for?
You're awesome omg. Haha, I'm positive
Hello! I've never wrote a review on a story before so I'm not sure if it will be any good, but I'll attempt it.
This is a very good start, you create a really tense and dark atmosphere straight away, and your description of how the narrator is feeling is detailed and descriptive.
A couple of things I noticed straightaway: I wouldn't use the word 'bantered' at all, it seems quite out of place. Perhaps a word like 'murmured', 'insisted', or 'hissed'?
Secondly, 'I growled low' reads a bit strangely, maybe you could say 'I growled in a low tone' instead. The wording of it just doesn't sound quite right.
Lastly, I think cutting out the sentence 'I thought to myself for a moment' would be good, it just seems a bit unnecessary and takes away from the drama of the scene.
Other than that, amazing prologue! Hope this helps in some way.
It definitely does help! Thank you so much! I'll change that now because multiple people have pointed out the same things
Aha, hadn't realised you had written a prologue, my bad. I guess I just have a poor understanding of the site at this moment in time, being new and all. Nonetheless, I'll get right to reviewing this small piece, despite having an unwritten law of my own saying not to write prologues. Considering this is so small I can't make much out of it and give you some top-notch critique, I'll try my best to do what I can.
"Cleo... Short whispers echoed in the back of my mind. I shook my head, trying to ignore them but the whispers only grew louder. Cleo... You can't escape..." Not too bad, but I think you could add some more depth to your description. I'm not getting any pure horror vibes. Perhaps add some scarier elements or exaggerate the pain and torment going through Cleo's head, how it's so disorientating and blood is streaming from your nose, or the nauseate sensations she's experiencing. Not a fan of horror literature myself, but that's a little something I can give you.
"I felt my breaths become more shallow." The word "shallow" can't really apply to breathing. Because of this I'm not entirely sure what kind of breathing state you're implying, but describing the breathing as "difficult" or "dry", I'm not quite sure, would work better.
"You can't escape the static. The voice bantered." No no no. Most definitely NOT "bantered". Bantered implies that the voice is good-humoured and cheery. And personally, I don't know about you, I wouldn't imagine this abnormal demonic voice inside my head to be some middle-aged British man teasing you about your no escape.
"I growled low." This doesn't make much sense, you can't growl low. I think it's best you just use growl or include a different adjective.
There you have it, that's my review. Nice little read, just some mistakes and lacking in length. If you want a prologue to stand out and bring a lot to the story, you'll want to add more.
It is short unfortunatly.I think you are heading great with your story.The plot is great.It catches the eye and the whole situation is interesting.If it could be atleast a bit longer it could be great but it is still totally fine.I had reviewed your first part of this amazing short part also so I won't say the same things twice.I think you are starting well.You just need to go on with the story and start to be more detailed with the background and with the characters in general.
Thank you for the feedback! I'll go read your review for the first part. Feedback means a lot because I am definitely trying to better my writing, hence why I came here. I also just really like the idea of this site. Anyways, thank you again!
You are welcome!
Hello, Sarina Thomas. Just clearing the green room.
Now on to the review. This was a very interesting prologue. Although I think it should be a bit longer, it captured my attention. I'm wondering where this will go. Let me give you some tips.
I see your new to the site! Let me first say welcome! We are very happy to have you as part of our community!
Maybe you could word this a bit differently so you don't say "head" two times so close together.
I'd put it this way so there's no room for confusion: I thought to myself for a moment, "Escape what?"
Some as before. I would put air two times so close together.
Other than that I'd say this was rather good. You should just add a bit more drama and description. Keep writing so I can keep reviewing!
~Keepwriting
Thank you so much! Recently, I took the pledge for #JustWriteIt on Wattpad, and I've literaally just been writing non-stop, trying to get ideas onto paper. I eventually found this site and saw you could give reviews and comments on other people's work and I'm glad I came here to better not only my writing, but others' as well. Thank you for the feedback! Also, thank you for welcoming me.
You're welcome. I'm glad I could help.