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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Distanced (Part One)

by Eternity


They say you're an addict or perhaps even a perfectionist. They say you have the face of a monster but you have no face. They say you're no good but when do I ever listen?

You hiss and coo in the ears of users like they're under your control, and surely they are after a few tries. You've got them hooked and you refuse to let go. They said you took them on an adventure; they fly so high that they become delirious. They're minds whirl around and the colors of mysterious light flashes within the back of their minds.

You're addicting, just like they said. They said you're illegal but remember; since when do I listen?

"Raven, what is with this mess?" My mother spoke with anger. Not only was the tone of her voice deep and regarding, her eyes flamed with rage. I only got one glimpse of them as my mother stormed through the rummage of the destroyed house. She didn't even look at me once. The kitchen was a mess, I'll admit. The plates were smashed, tupperware was scattered, drawers and cabinets were wide open. I tried my very hardest not to cringe as my mother walked over the broken glass on the floor. The noise alone was enough to make my face burn up.

Besides the sound of glass and slamming of cabinets being closed, rain drops hit the roof of our house heavily. The lingering smell of blood was all that we could take in. Rotting flesh and blood. Too much blood.

"Raven!" My mother looked up at me, "Have you been doing drugs?" Her voice was stronger than before. Without hesitation, I shook my head, clearly lying. My mother growled and took a step towards me, raising her hand to hit me. A fresh sting filled my cheek and I cringed. My mother opened her mouth to yell at me but she paused and tilted her head. I looked at her with confusion. "R-Raven..."

I tilted my head as well and slowly turned, interested by the way she looked at me. A low grumble sounded in my ear and a painful shrill escaped from my lips as the intense aroma of infused pain filled in my shoulder. My mother screamed and ran to the phone and I fell to the floor, grabbing my oozing arm. Fresh flesh was revealed and my shirt was stained. The creature fell next to me and I attempted to crawl away but I couldn't. Another shooting pain filled my lower leg as the teeth of this creature pierced my skin.

The quick echoing of my mom's feet hitting the floor was the last thing I heard.


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624 Reviews


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Sun Mar 26, 2017 8:58 am
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, babe. Casanova here to do a review for you. Let's dive straight in.

"Raven, what is with this mess?" My mother spoke with anger.


Erg, dialogue. I feel like my reviews are too focused around it, but people have trouble with it. I can review it but I can't write it for the life of me. Anyway, let's get into this.

The dialogue itself isn't that bad. What I have issue with is the way you portray anger. Don't say,"spoke with anger." I don't get an angry feel to that, I feel more apathetic than anything. Trying something like,"My mother fumed," or something to that affect. One word but has more of an impact, in my opinion, that,"spoke with anger." Anyway, onward.

"Raven!" My mother looked up at me, "Have you been doing drugs?" Her voice was stronger than before. Without hesitation, I shook my head, clearly lying. My mother growled and took a step towards me, raising her hand to hit me. A fresh sting filled my cheek and I cringed. My mother opened her mouth to yell at me but she paused and tilted her head. I looked at her with confusion. "R-Raven..."


I normally wouldn't mind this dialogue, if it wasn't for the fact it's a one sided conversation. Most teenage girls would be lying their asses off, stating they didn't do it and how their parents should trust them, instead of just shake their head. And for someone who was speaking with anger a second ago, she is really calm about this now, and that's worrisome. A mother would be fuming at this, and wouldn't be calm in the slightest, and wouldn't just be asking questions.

Just let it flow naturally. The dialogue, the actions, the thoughts. Just let it come to you and let it be put on a pad or piece of paper. It really helps. Don't over think it.

The next thing- this is really short for a chapter one. I would suggest lengthening it, and letting it breathe that way. I think it would benefit from having some more added to it.

Anyway, overall I think this is a decent concept and I would like to see where it goes.

I think that's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Love, Matt




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Sat Apr 30, 2016 2:57 pm
Gymnast2801 wrote a review...



Hey Eternity!
I really liked this pice of work!! Of course, there are always just a few things to make a story better.

Original:
...and surly they after just a few tries.
Correction:
This sentence is sort of puzzling to me but I think I know what you where trying to say.
...and surly they ARE, after just a few tries.

Otherwise, everything seemed fine to me but there is just one thing puzzling me: why didn't Raven's mother get the attacker off of Raven?
It's nothing the needs to be fixed unless you wanted to change the ending but I was just wondering :)
Keep on writing, writing buddy!




Eternity says...


Hello, writing buddy. I thank you a lot for this critque because it's very helpful with the one sentence. Just a note, you find out why she didnt help soon.



Gymnast2801 says...


Your very welcome! Happy to help anytime :)



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Sat Apr 30, 2016 6:41 am
DivergentDemigod wrote a review...



Hello person! phangirl here to review your work as per your request....
Interesting work! Damn you really hooked me up there... And that cliffy that you left me hanging on... Well it was quite well planned so good job there!

Spoiler! :
how dare you leave me hanging on a cliffy.... duh! I hate cliff hangers! And for you to leave me hanging on one... It was really evil! And now that you have already committed this sin! it would be better for you to post the next part soon...

Just in case you don't know... I was kidding in the spoiler box... The cliffy here was really well planned!
NOW ABOUT THE REVIEWING
I think this was a really well written ! And with just a bit editing here and there it could be made even better!
I've got a couple of suggestions...
They say you're an addict or perhaps even a perfectionist. They say you have the face of a monster but you have no face. They say you're no good but when do I ever listen?
I think that you should change I with you this is mainly because in the rest of the paragraph you are talking in the third person and then here you are talking in first person, so I suggest make it into third person!

And uh I almost forgot... The length of this piece is short... And lets just say I'm not complaining even a bit about that! I love shorts! So yeah thank you for keeping it short!

So yeah that's all... You really did a good job with this piece! And I'm really excited to know what happens next... So please do inform me when it gets published or I'm gonna stalk you *kidding*
hopping to see more of your awesome works around here on the future... Untill then keep up the good work!

PD46~






Btw welcome to YWS!



Elijah says...


Man, this review killed my eyes.





Good way? bad way?



Eternity says...


I think King meant the colors killed.

Regardless,, hello phangirl. I thank you a lot for this critique as well. The reason I said "you" and then changed to I is because I'm still in first person. It's basically someone stating that "you" (the drug) are dangerous and so on. Then "I never listen." That wording was slightly cofnusing but it's the whole premise of it. Thank you again, though.




Just think happy thoughts and you'll fly.
— Peter Pan