Heya, babe. Casanova here to do a review for you. Let's dive straight in.
"Raven, what is with this mess?" My mother spoke with anger.
Erg, dialogue. I feel like my reviews are too focused around it, but people have trouble with it. I can review it but I can't write it for the life of me. Anyway, let's get into this.
The dialogue itself isn't that bad. What I have issue with is the way you portray anger. Don't say,"spoke with anger." I don't get an angry feel to that, I feel more apathetic than anything. Trying something like,"My mother fumed," or something to that affect. One word but has more of an impact, in my opinion, that,"spoke with anger." Anyway, onward.
"Raven!" My mother looked up at me, "Have you been doing drugs?" Her voice was stronger than before. Without hesitation, I shook my head, clearly lying. My mother growled and took a step towards me, raising her hand to hit me. A fresh sting filled my cheek and I cringed. My mother opened her mouth to yell at me but she paused and tilted her head. I looked at her with confusion. "R-Raven..."
I normally wouldn't mind this dialogue, if it wasn't for the fact it's a one sided conversation. Most teenage girls would be lying their asses off, stating they didn't do it and how their parents should trust them, instead of just shake their head. And for someone who was speaking with anger a second ago, she is really calm about this now, and that's worrisome. A mother would be fuming at this, and wouldn't be calm in the slightest, and wouldn't just be asking questions.
Just let it flow naturally. The dialogue, the actions, the thoughts. Just let it come to you and let it be put on a pad or piece of paper. It really helps. Don't over think it.
The next thing- this is really short for a chapter one. I would suggest lengthening it, and letting it breathe that way. I think it would benefit from having some more added to it.
Anyway, overall I think this is a decent concept and I would like to see where it goes.
I think that's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Love, Matt
Points: 3571
Reviews: 624
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