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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello, InfiniteRectangles here with your review!
This is a beautiful start to your novel! I love your use of imagery throughout this prologue. That being said, I would have also liked if you'd have spent more time on the plot rather than the scene, but that's just a personal nit-pick.
While I understood what was going on most of the time, there were some moments that sort of confused me. You use the name "Andi", but then out of nowhere comes the term "supervisor". It threw me off a little and distracted me from the story. I would suggest either sticking to "Andi", or finding a way to smoothly bring up the supervisor bit, rather than just throwing it in there. You also referred to Mavon as "Kitty" in Andi's dialogue. To me, it seems a bit out of place, and I don't really see why her supervisor would be calling her "Kitty" (unless that's her name.)
"If she closed her eyes, she could have pretended she was back on the edge of her father’s ship."
I would suggest changing this, for sake of consistency.
"If she closed her eyes, she could pretend she was back on the edge of her father's ship."
“Is not let her anywhere near them.”
I don't really understand this. Is is supposed to be do or am I just reading it wrong?
That's really all I have for you. This was very intriguing and I'm excited to read what's next! Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!
Hey there! Thanks for the review! Let me try to clear a few things up for you ^^
"Kitty" is Andi's nickname for Mavon -- her name is really Qitinwe Mafanluwe (said Kee-teen-way Mah-vahn-loo-way), so "Kitty" comes from that. (Mavon is her Earth name, so she doesn't stick out too much, haha.) Andi is generally informal when it comes to their subordinates, so they use nicknames instead of formal names.
For the "is" you pointed out, it's a continuation of Andi's line previous -- "what you do then" "is not let her".
Again, thanks a ton for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Ah, alright. Thanks for clearing that up for me!
Hi,
this is a really good prologue.
I really like your choice of words and the chapter seems to flow very naturally. I like the dialogue. It feels very real, though I did notice that you were heavily focused on the scenic descriptions. However, I did see that you tried to integrate the surroundings more into the actions of the characters instead of just getting it out there.
Mavon's homesickness could also be felt throughout the chapter. It would have been nice to get a bit more from her character in her dialogue. Perhaps she has a bit of a temper and she responds quickly. Or she doesn't let the other person finish their sentences, something like that.
Also, I got a little confused when you mentioned Andi and then said her supervisor. The name seems to jump out of nowhere.
I would add one more sentence before the last one. Something like: Mavon took one last sweep of the surroundings and [insert another action here]. She had a job to do.
Keep up the great writing. Hope this helps.
Good