Crushed

Hey Weymouth! Strange here on this fantastic Review Day and I have a review for you!
Okay, this had probably one of the biggest plot twists for a poem. Now, that must be crazy. How is it a plot twist? I started off thinking, "Okay, all the narrator is going to do is whine about how she lost him" and I wasn't impressed. I was actually thinking of a rant. That's when I found out the narrator found someone else to replace this certain someone, and it made me smile, and realized that this has a soft, cherry lime twist on it. Now, I dug deeper than I should have in the theme of the last stanza. See, she still loves him (And wants to say "I love you" when they say goodbye") but they can't be together. So, instead, she grabs another person who she loves, but still loves the first guy. It seems like the narrator just wants human affection, and just someone to be there for her. Basically, she just wants someone there for her. She had the "true love" but lost him. All that other "love", in retrospect, is just plain out baloney jabroni. She lost the only true person there for her. It's simple, but it's laid under non simple lines. I like that whole message put into that, and that what makes this poem work. Great job, Weymouth. You turned a simple idea into something better, barely breaking through the simple generic parts.
Overall, good job.
Strange gives you...
7.6/10
Good job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy, my friend.


#TheFaultInOurReviews

Hey, Weymouth, Chips here with a review.

This was quite a sentimental piece, it had emotion and a clear focus. It was also cohesive and told a story between two past lovers.

"Everything we shared, all the dreams we had.

Each rare moment we spent together"

Your first line was fine but I would rephrase it to really create a tone and mood of nostalgia and a past love. Perhaps, "We shared everything along with our dreams"... something along those lines. A minor thing, but your second line needs a full-stop unless its being carried on to the next sentence.

"Counting the stars, hoping we could escape to one of them."

I liked the imagery here. Though it becomes slightly story-like and tell-y. Perhaps, referencing being lost in the stars or adding more poetic language to help it flow.


"All that time we talked about nothing important.

Every single time we said goodbye after a long chat,"

Again, for me its the wording which is lacking the poetic element to it. The first line more so here, "nothing important", doesn't seem to quite fit well. The word, "goodbye" should ideally be written in quotations since its from speech.

"And replaced with a simple ‘Fuck you’."

For the language used here, you might want to put up the rating a bit.

"But now you have someone else to love you.
It hurts, not because you’re with that someone else,"

There is repetition of the words, "someone else", which could have better vocabulary so a bit of editing there would be good. Also hinting the character has moved on would be nicely done in a subtle way rather than directly stating it.

Overall a nice piece, Continue to write! Hopefully this review was of help to you.

--Chips