I turn to my left,
there are cars passing,
drivers racing time.
There are manholes and busy people,
iPhones in hand,
avoiding their surroundings.
There are homeless people
with ripped hats
and cans of money.
I wish I were blind,
like them.
_
I turn to my right,
I see fields of rich grass,
yellow flowers sprouting with it.
There's a forest lined by oak trees
with branches full of songbirds
There are cows painted black and white
with pink noses sniffing the ground.
Horses with shiny manes
and eye-catching gallops.
I wish I were timeless,
like them.
_
I look up,
I see clouds crafting sculptures,
the sky's blue canvas.
I see the golden sun rolling towards the west.
There are geese flying in V's
and jetliner trails
marking the blue with white.
I wish I were beautiful,
like them.
_
I look down,
there are bracelets on my wrists
hiding risen scars with its thread.
There are fingernails chipped with purple paint.
Shins covered in bruises
and freckles with no purpose on my skin.
Green converse sneakers
covering my unstable feet.
I wish I wasn't broken,
like them.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
There is no denying that this is beautifully written with sophisticated metaphors, but the themes seem slightly disconnected and don't form coherent thoughts.
The style and the fact that it does not rhyme was quite refreshing compared to my recent reads.
The descriptions seem a bit over the top and somewhat unnecessary, but to most people that wouldn't set off any negative thoughts. This simply does not leave enough to the imagination, though i enjoyed it immensely, it could actually do with a little less illustrative imaging. Though I found that the sophisticated and detailed imaging was actually slightly taking away from the developing scene, the effect was still pleasant enough.
Overall this was an enjoyable read with enlightened themes and I found it to be above my expectation at first glance of the title.
review
this poem was wonderful! I could see every little detail!
improvements
I don't want to nag too much but there are a few thing that could be improved.
the poem could describe the character more
what are the characters feeling? this could be use feeling more than setting.
overall please keep writing!!
Hey there, Percybeth!
I want to say that I like the instinct you show in phrases like "cows painted black and white" -- you don't just give the easy image, but you presented it in a way that makes your point stronger. That stanza was about being timeless, and paintings are timeless a well -- EVERY word you choose can go toward creating a theme and a feeling in your poem, so that was an awesome thing to see.
Now, this kind of poem, done with a refrain, can be strong. It sets up parallel structure and gives the reader something to hold on to, like an anchor while they work through the rest of the poem. I wonder, however, what this poem would look like if you wrote it without a refrain. Do you think you would like to try, just to see what the differences would be, and then you can pick what you liked best from each? It might be a nice activity!
The other thought I had was about the first stanza. It doesn't seem to fit with the rest. Somebody wants to be beautiful and timeless and not broken, okay, but how does blind fit in with that?
This is not saying that because it's strange that you need to cut this stanza! No way! Nothing in life should be that easy! When something is a little strange, you should examine why it is strange. Why did you want to communicate the desire to be blind? What underlying causes are there? Write about them. Find them. And once you figure out the reason, you can share it more clearly in the poem!
Lastly, I just wanted to say that the GENUINE images in the last stanza were also beautiful. Those were so personal, up close, and REAL compared to images of the sky. I can zoom in and see the chipped paint on a finger nail, but a sky is still kind of an abstract concept. So if you were going for a little bit of irony, that worked wel.
I hope these thoughts are helpful for you! PM me or reply to this review if you have any questions/comments.
Good luck and keep writing!
Hey, thank you for this review! I really appreciate everything you said.
I know that the blind thing sounds a little weird, but I kind of tried to describe all of these everyday bad things. People tend to not see them though, distracting themselves. They become blind to reality, all those bad things. I wanted my character to be blind to her bad aspects as well, I guess not necessarily by distracting herself, but for her to see the good parts.
I found this poem to be pretty cool, it took me a while to understand how the title fit but I eventually got it. I really liked how you ended each stanza by showing the desire from what was explained in the lines above. I didn't see anything wrong with the poem so keep up the good work!