everyday was like waking up to a new storm. house creaking from the wind, roof beaten from the rain, windows frozen from the snow, basement flooded from the water.
my skin was frail, my hair was dirty, my hands were shaking, my feet were numb.
everyday was like stepping back out of my coffin. because when I got to go to sleep and dream about things that weren't ever going to happen, that made my conscious despise having to go through the opposite.
having to bulk back up for the incoming hurricane. needing to shovel the path over and over again and to lock the doors and light the candles.
every time I had to prepare for the worst, I was already breaking down.
I was becoming flooded myself. pouring out the cracks in my skin and turning my fingers and my toes purple to black. I was frostbit. damaged from these unpredictable storms, and never safe again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
hi there!
This reminds me of a poem my cousin wrote (or perhaps just read) years ago. Love it!
At first, especially with the formatting you used, this seemed more like a short story or prologue than a poem. But by the end I saw your metaphor of the whole thing and I think I understand now...
If I'm totally off, maybe you should somehow turn this into a novel XD
But the one thing I really want to hit on is the formatting for this. I think it would make much more sense and be easier for the eye and the brain when reading (aloud or silently) for the reader to section these into short stanzas. Break them either with a space, ., *, etc.
Think of the piece as a really big steak. Break it into smaller bite-size pieces, and the easier the flow of the words and punctuation, the easier the pieces will go down.
...That's the first food metaphor I've ever used when reviewing XD
well that's about it. Thanks for sharing your writing!!
Hope I helped
This review is going to come off as harsh and mean, and I need you to know that I do this sort of thing only for fresh poets in whom I see lots of potential. That said, you have a lot of work to do.
So your key line to understanding this piece is
This is a good sentiment and I like that I can relate to it. Despite this, the remainder of your poem lacks in execution, and I want to take a look at how you present your images and ideas, and how you could better your delivery.
First off, let's talk about flow. Flow is essentially the ability of a poem to be accepted by the reader. In a more literal sense, it's the smoothness of the words, thoughts, images, and sentiments. When your flow suffers, your poetry suffers even more. Your struggle with flow begins with your lack of resolve to differentiate your prose-poetry from prose. What I mean is that while your lack of line breaks doesn't matter--and I'll get to that later--your lack of flow makes your piece resemble too much that of prose, and so your work suffers. So let's attack it. Fluidity is about concision and smooth phrasing. Always eliminate unnecessary words, even if it may mean rephrasing a sentence or fragment. Examples:
This is your opening stanzagraph, and you immediately bombard me with weak, repetitive designating phrases. I would change this, firstly, by making the piece present tense. With the concepts and scenes you've presented, present tense works better, and it's one of those things that you have to run trial and error for. Sometimes this means rewriting a poem several times, but that's a Good Thing because it introduces you to editing before presentation. So in present tense, I would say
A major note is that I moved the first sentence to the end. It works better as a resolution. Now, this is still weak to me, but it's weak for taste reasons that are off-topic to what I'm talking about right now. My point right now is that the words flow more smoothly and with greater ease.
Your second stanzagraph brings in tactile imagery (images you feel), and I wonder if it couldn't benefit from being worked into stanza one. Or better yet, taking these different storms and placing them in different locales throughout the poem to give the feeling of an ongoing struggle instead of just moving on from the first idea. It's a tool of re-engagement. Even beyond this, the thoughts could benefit from being trimmed down, so you may only want two or three of the storms in your piece at all. I know I wouldn't want this many.
So in your third stanza, you make the major mistake of explaining yourself. NO. Show, don't tell. That is such an important lesson, and it's better to learn early on.
So this is it: the content and execution analysis to introduce you to improvement. This is the tip of the iceberg, but I don't want to give you more until you accept what I've given you.
If you choose to accept it, I can promise you that your views on poetry will change for good.
-Lumi
Wow, alright to start off, I appreciate this review a helluva bunch. I've never had one quite so detailed, but I embrace all of your words, your recommendations and suggestions!
When I first wrote this the formatting wasn't into paragraphs. Although, you already did refer to them as lines and stanzas, that is how I wrote it. Every sentence was actually a line instead of jumbled in a paragraph, which would probably physically make the flow look better, but I do know what you mean with the words themselves needing to run smoother.
I have this strange idea in my head that repetion sounds better. And I have no idea why. Not like repetion with words, I.E. saying "fix" 4,000 times instead of using words like "repair, tailor, or adjust". (I picked that example cause I was writing an essay today kept looking up synonyms to "fix" xD). Anywho, when I read how you changed the verbs and re-worded the first stanza, damn, that sounded so much better, and you probably broke that little "repetition sounds cool" thing I had. Except I do like the concept of themes or ideas reoccurring.
I never usually move around lines once they're written on paper. But I'm actually going to experiement with that a little bit with this poem.
Soooo, very, very ironic how you said "show, don't tell". SO MANY TIMES people comment how they don't pick up what I'm putting down. When I write about the deterioration of an object or a person and don't make it so blatant, they usually don't understand it. And that kills me! So, I went a little more obvious with this piece. According to your review and knowing that you have a ton of experience in writing, I see that that is an awful compromise. I'll remember not to lower my writing so it's less intricate, because the hand-off is that it will be less intricate.
Again, thank you so much for this review! This was one of my lazier pieces, I'd have to admit, because I haven't been writing in months and I'm trying to get back into it. Your words of wisdom definitely helped.
Love, love, love love it. This is amazing and very "wintery" poem. It gets me more excited for Christmas and winter. I have nothing else to say, but just "amazing". The whole point of the poem was understandable enough for the audience. Great choice of topic. Although, you can work a little bit on the capitalization. But overall, it was beautiful. We all know that Christmas is coming and we are all excited for that. The beginning of your poem was strong and captivating or fascinating enough for me (and probably for the readers who will read it). The theme of your poem is also right on the spot. You did great. Keep up your great work!
Thank you so much!! This makes me smile a whole bunch!
No problem. Just remember to work on capitalization or grammar.. Keep it up..