I look and imagine,
I'm somewhere
Else.
Up where I can
See the whole
World.
Where I can feel the wind adventure
Aimlessly.
I look and imagine,
I'm where no one else has
Ever been.
Down where I feel the earth's
Warmth.
Where I feel the first steps
Of a
Baby.
I stare and imagine
Myself with
You.
Where I have never been,
Where I can feel your arms
Embrace.
Where I can trace your
lips with my kiss.
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140,210 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hey! (I love your username BTW ;3)
I'm here to review your piece of literature. It was very interesting and made me engulfed in it. I felt like I, myself, was in this poem, and I felt the emotions of romance and happiness. It cheered me up because I had a bad day at school, but when I was reading this all my worries faded away and the world transferred me into this scenario. This poem was comforting and made me feel warm inside. I imagine myself lying on a hill, looking up at the sky and imagining all these things.
I do have some nitpicks, though. First, I'm not sure if it's supposed to be like this, but I found the format of your writing sort of odd. I feel it looks a bit weird when there's only one word on a line, such as -
Where I can trace your lips with my
Kiss.
Maybe this was your style of writing, and if it is I'm sorry! Maybe you want to change it if it's not, though. It would just look a little bit neater.
Also, maybe some more descriptive words or figurative language? Other than that, I loved this piece <3.
Continue writing.
Thank you, this comment pumps my self esteem just that you even wanted to review it.
and thanks, I love my username too. ^.^
I do space it with a word all by itself to give the word more meaning. I'll use your excerpt as an example.
For myself, if I were to read "where I can trace your lips with my kiss" I would more or less bypass a deeper meaning towards it. But If I take a pause to engulf all of the potential that just the word "kiss" can hold, then I become emotionally attached to poem or even the word itself.
Thank you for all of your feedback though! I'm practicing to be more descriptive too
Percybeth
,
This is what your poem made me think of:
At first, it made me think of you (as the narrator) sitting at the top of a tree, where you can see everything, and the wind is rushing past you. Then, it made me think of being underground, where it is warm (like the earth), and above you you can feel a baby's first steps. And that comforting, elated, euphoric feeling is the feeling you get when you're with the person as described at the end. I loved your way with words, because it demonstrates imagery but gives me room to imagine within my own interpretive mind. I enjoyed how you spaced your lines; it made the poem much more embraceable. It was like a wild adventure reading this poem
The only thing that I would suggest is that you add like, one more descriptive line in each "section" of the poem (was it supposed to be into sections? I feel like it was!).
Write more poems so I can read them.
-Savvy
Thank you so much Savvy!
I love hearing how you felt while reading this. Honestly, I didn't even think of the first two stanzas describing the feeling you get with someone you love, like in the last. I was thinking of it has being in all of these places. I can feel the sun and the wind hug me and I can feel the earth share its heat with me, but i'll always wistfully be dreaming of feeling of my love hugging me like the sun and the wind do and keep me warm and confident like the earth does.
I'll take your feedback to make my next poem every greater! ;D
I LIKE THE LANGUEGE USAGE AND SIMPLICITY IN LEXIS PERFECT WORK LOVE IT