i thought i was solid,
that i could stand on my own.
& then i met you
with hands like ocean waves,
you pulled me under,
& eroded away at my being.
your seashells, which i thought
were beautiful
& still do,
cut me so deeply that i had to fall onto my knees.
& once the weight of your saltwater crashed
into my back,
my hands bled
from the broken rocks beneath your shore.
with one last pull,
i was dragged below the surf.
although underneath the horizon,
i could see the beauty of
your coral reefs & your sand dollars,
sharks still lurked &
the sun became dull
& i realized that solids and liquids don't mix.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
WOW! Such a beautiful piece!
Hey there here to give you a review!
This is amazing and i really love this piece. I love the way you worded this and I love the way your descriptions were very clear and they truly make a reader imagine the scenario as a
whole. I don't really nitpick but I must say that you need to start off every line with a capital. But that is something that many people have issues with capitalization and quite honestly I have a big issue with it once I really get into a piece that I am writing like I did with my one and only post. Sorry I'm rambling so back to the actual point of this review.
Overall I really loved this piece and I really hope to see more of your work. Have a wonderful day and good luck on everything you write.
This is amazing!! Beautiful work!
Hello Percybeth! Huda here, for a review.
The poem is amazing and I love the basic idea behind it. I loved the way you personified your feelings with such skill. It's really beautiful. Your descriptions are very clear and they make a reader imagine the whole scenario. The words you've used are good enough and enhance the idea of your poem. However, there is a suggestion I would like to give:
1) You should start the first letter of every verse with a capital. I know, you had written it with your own writing style but again, it's just a suggestion!
Otherwise, the poem was awesome. I loved the ending:" And I realized that solids and liquids don't mix." I mean, it's such a deep thing to feel. The poem made its way to my heart. I'll be waiting to read more of your writings.
<m'gez>
I'll start with the title "they sink"; I assume that the pronoun "they" there refers to the word "solids" in the poem. Since technically, you use "they" to replace plural nouns. But the poem is too personal. You've used pronoun "i" which can't be replaced by "they". What I mean by this is that, your poem revolves around your story being dragged below the ocean ( i was dragged below the surf) by someone you met (& then i met you) that you might have fallen in love with and broke your heart (cut me so deeply that i had to fall onto my knees.) You are the only character focused in the poem. It's all about you... so I think "they" is inappropriate. Therefore, "they" wouldn't fit in the title.
This is also related in the next comment I will give.
The concluding part (& i realized that solids and liquids don't mix. ), again it doesn't fit as a conclusion. There is none in the poem that tells me why solids and liquids don't mix.
The poem centers on how you fell in love and got hurt and still admiring that person (with one last pull,
i was dragged below the surf.
although underneath the horizon,
i could see the beauty of
your coral reefs & your sand dollars,).
You might want to have unity of ideas in the poem.
I will give credits to the feelings you made me feel as I read the poem. I really felt it.
I even wanted to cry. You have just spoken what the other people have hidden for a long time... The thoughts of "I thought I'm strong, not 'till I met you".
I say, you've made a job well done.
Hey! So I actually really appreciate the amount of thought you put into your review! To clear up some confusion I found you had: the title finished the last line. It's foreshadowing. -& i realized why solids and liquids don't mix. they sink.-
The poem is about how much you can want something and how beautiful it can look in your eyes, but you just aren't meant to have it. You're chemicals don't blend together, or you physically just cause friction. That's what this is about.
To slip into the narrators POV: I can still see all the reasons as to why I fell in love with you. You still hold all of your beauty, like your coral and your seashells. It's all still there. But I can't breathe underwater and your sharks see me like a germ. In IRL: It's all just one big metaphor, you see. It's two humans that don't belong together.
In my description I put "I was too dense for your love." Dense can also mean stupid. They were so stupidly in love that they were still willing to try even knowing the consequences. This is only from the person's POV, not the metaphorical ocean's.
I'm sorry if that's really confusing, I tried to clear it up.
Helloooooo fellow demigod! I absolutely love your username.
Persassybeth ftw.
The first thing i notice is the lack of capital Is! i can see that you've written the poem like that but i can't help but find my brain focussing on the grammar error rather than focussing on your poem! Did you get drawn to my lowercase Is in this paragraph? You see what I mean. I can't really order you to change it as that would ruin the way you've written your poem, but you think about it.
Apart from that, I love all the editing you've done to the text. The underlines and italics and all that jazz. I found myself emphasizing these words which I reckon is what you were aiming for.
It's a great story (if I can call it that) and it even reminds me of Percabeth but I won't go there. Good job!
It's funny you tried to play that little trick on me with the I's because I didn't even notice it until you mentioned it!
I always like the way words look when they are out of form, when everything all together isn't capitalized or even when they are all capitalized. And I think that poetry is one of the only places you're allowed to do it (besides informal conversation like texting). To me, I just like the flow of it, even though most people aren't adjusted to it.
I definitely remember the first time I read a poem that didn't has I's capitalized and I pulled off the same reaction as you. And know, I'm the one writing like this and you're my mini me! XD Thank you for the suggestion, but I'm going to keep it! :p
Thank you for your review! And yes! Glad to hear that my font edits worked!
P.S. If I could change my username to Persassybeth, I'd do it in a heartbeat! xD
Wow, sorry for my awful grammar here xD I was too stubborn to proofread, I should listen to my conscious more often.