Our love was like piano keys,
black and white.
I was the black keys,
with sharps and flats;
unnatural alone,
but you were the white
filling my spaces,
making me whole.
Together we were a song,
I, your number one fan,
And you, mine.
Our strings vibrating in synchronicity,
crafting chords,
beautiful melodies
in perfect harmony.
We were unstoppable.
Our love crescendoing,
becoming louder,
becoming more fond.
We were never out of tune,
so rhythmic
that dust had no time to collect.
We weren't a symphony,
we had no drums
and no violins.
But we had our piano,
and the best part was that
when one song ended,
our love played a new one.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hello.
Kanome here with a review for you.
I really really love this poem.
You put it in a way that you talked about love, but the piano symbolized that love.
You used symbolization in your poem.
This is actually the first time I've seen something like that all day.
All in all, this is very romantic.
Keep it up.
I can't wait to read more of your work c:
This is such a cute poem. Like absolutely adorable. I really like how you pick a theme- piano- and stuck with it the whole time. It really tied in the whole poem and made it complete. My favorite part is when you say you weren't a symphony and you didn't need any other instruments you just needed each other. And the sweetest part being "when one song ended, our love played a new one." It is so sweet and lovely. But I also love romantic poems and stories and pretty much just romance in general. Anyways, overall great job I love it. And can't wait to see more of your pieces.
Keep up the great writing!
-Roxie Rain
Aw! This is beautiful and inspiring.
Great poem!
I'm only new on here, but so far this is my favorite poem I've seen on here. It's heart warming, inviting, and I wish it was longer! Being a musician it just speaks to me. I feel like I know the level of emotion.
"I was the black keys,
with sharps and flats;
unnatural alone,
but you were the white
filling my spaces,
making me whole."
I think just that alone just wraps the whole poem up into what it's meant to be. It's has such a deep meaning, honestly. In love, it just makes sense that you have something that the other person needs, and you captured that there. I love it!
Hello there! This is only a quick review, but I really loved it! It works and makes sense, plus this is really adorable :3 I loved how you have linked it in with a piano (which happens to be one of my favourite instruments!) It sounds like you put a lot of effort into this, and that's great! I have no comments abut improvement because this is perfect!
Keep it up!
Love,
EmoChikXoX <3
Hey! Sabrina in for a review.
I really loved your poem. I feel like I have seen there relationship and understood was they narrator was saying. I also really loved that you used such a wide variety of words. I think that my favorite part is that you compared there love to a symphony. I for one have never heard it referred to love as that and think that's spectacular! thanks for writing this poem and I would love to read more!
I'm not terribly comfortable reviewing poetry, so I just want to say that I really love this poem a lot and your username is awesome!
Hello.....!
You've got a beautiful poem here. I loved it. It was simple, sweet and overall, a joy to read. I enjoyed it thoroughly. My favourite lines were ' I was the black keys, with sharps and flats; unnatural alone,..' I loved how you compare yourself the black keys that don't sound so good alone, & how he was your white key, that made you sweet and melodious. I also loved the lines 'we had no drums and no violins'. I like how you are saying that there is nobody else; just you two. Nobody that comes between your love. You both only have each other, and that is enough. You are melodious enough on your own.
Overall, I loved this piece. It was beautiful. The way you kept your metaphor going from start to finish was great. Never once did my attention waved away from your poem, and that is a very good sign.
Keep up the great work!
Looking forward to more....Have a nice day!
Hello PercyBeth~
I don't know if I've reviewed you before or not, so here I am.
I really like the overall shape of this poem. It's really interesting how you chose to make the lines consecutively longer until we reached the line "Our love crescendoing" so that was a very nice touch. I also like how you take your lines rather seriously and there are very few lines without a meaning. You also deal explicitly with one metaphor, which is really nice to see.
Overall, I think you need to work on a little bit of syntax with "becoming more fond" because there is such thing as "fonder" which seems to fit better in that spot, but that's not a big thing and I think you did it to make the lines different lengths? If my suspicion is correct, you can always just trade the lines.
As an aside if you're looking for how to format this thing: How to format your poetry on YWS
I think your poem could use some more bulk to the lines. We're dealing with some pretty complex imagery, but we're dealing with it in a flat way. You're using musical terms and a lot of musical elements like sharps and flats, but very few things that we can actually see or feel. Those that we can are the colors of the piano, and the vibrations of the chords, which we don't typically see when we are listening to piano music. I think you should look more for things to supplement the language of this poem in a way that will take it to that next level and really make this sing.
Right now this section is rather interrupted:
The reason being that the punctuation is so consistent and everywhere. There are not that many complete stops in songs, and I think if you try to make this more like the song the piano is playing, like you've made the structure of the poem, you're going to get a better poem. Try using more alliteration [definition found here: Kiss My Assonance - 5 ways to improve your poetry ] like "crafting chords" or other yummy poetic devices sort of like your repetition of "becoming."
Improving your flow of the poem might also be possible by erasing all punctuation from it, but that's just a tentative idea that you might try and really hate. If you do, I'd also suggest taking away the capitals so we're not confusing the issue. If you cannot tell where the sentences actually are when you do it, then you need the punctuation. Honestly, the sentence structure can dictate where we pause and read things naturally without punctuation at all, so it's always something to keep in mind. If you've got good enough syntax, you don't need that side of "grammar". It's just like if you've got enough money, there's no need for table manners.
Right now, I'm not exactly sure where this is because I see some sentences that are imbedded which would be lost to stand alone or amidst their neighbors without the punctuation which may or may not be a good thing. You'd just have to try it and see.
Good luck~
Aley
Hello, I'm here for a review!
!
) I really liked the flow of those three lines. How you made it linger on, almost asking what could come next, was really smart. It was a lot more interesting than just cramming the whole sentence to in one line. It really added character!
Okay, first off, wow! Wow! I really found this poem beautiful and full of originality and realism. It was so beautiful and it brought hope and love into my heart. To be perfectly honest, I definitely awwed a couple of times. You are so talented! It was really cute and, oh my goodness, I liked it a lot
Okay, so if I could point out any constructive criticism it would be on line five when you wrote:
"unnatural, alone"
I was a little confused on what it was saying. Were you saying that the narrator was unnaturally alone, or unnatural and alone. I guess that I would say that maybe the formatting should be changed on that, but if you like it, then keep it!
Other than that, I really enjoyed and was pleasantly surprised to how the formatting worked in your favor. I really liked how you took apart a sentence into three lines. For example:
"We weren't a symphony,
we had no drums
and no violins."
I really liked the way that you disconnected the sentence, and yet still made it sound as if it was connected in a strong way. (If you know what I mean
I really liked the mood you set of brokenness and despair at the beginning of this poem, and slowly it unraveled into a beautiful romantic poem. She sounded so discontent and unsure of what should happen. Then it was like prince charming came in and saved the day.
Whether I am Over analyze it or analyzed it wrong, it was amazing! I really enjoyed! In fact I have loved all of your pieces! You are just an amazing writer with an awesome talent! Keep using your gift!
Lots of Love,
Annaclare
I always love when you review my poems! And it makes me feel so great that you love them all too. <3
Just to clear up your confusion with "unnatural alone". I mean that since I previously mentioned she represented sharps and flats on a piano, say she played an A sharp. If you were to play that note with a G sharp, it could sound sour. But if you played A flat with (his white keys) a D natural, it would make a chord and sound lovely. I just wanted to make a point that when they are together, in love, they are beautiful.
Thank you for all of your amazing words.
Oh I see, yes that makes perfect sense! Do you play piano?
I do! I've been teaching myself recently!
RoyalHighness has arrived to write her 100th review!
(You should know I read through several others' works before selecting yours to be my 100th review; congratulations!)
Literally the only thing I didn't like about this poem was the word "fond," and that's only because it's a beige word– thank you, synesthesia.
I've played piano for twelve years. I have a special place in my heart for all things piano, whether it's playing or listening or reading about. The latter has brought me to your poem: your poem is fabulous, to say the least. Your words don't just paint a picture, they paint a song and I can honestly say I've never seen anything like it before.
As for mechanics, you're golden, don't even worry about it.
If poems had a favorite button, I would be mashing it right now.
I have so little else to say... How can I further convey how much I love your poem without lapsing into French? Maybe I should just do this in French then.
J'adore ta poème. Je l'aime beaucoup. Je souhaite que tu écrites les poèmes similaire dans la futur.
I now conclude this, my 100th review, with a solid nine stars out of ten to reward your fabulously wonderful poem! I don't know how to say it enough– I loved it!!!
Aww oh my goodness, I'm honored to be your 100th review! Congratulations too!
Really this review makes me feel fabulous, I loved every English word and French. (Thank you Google translate.)
It's possible that I will look into finding a less beige word. :p