you had taught me how to
draw hearts with arrows through them.
a representation of my heart, little did it know.
you entered my life;
your eyes blinded to me from watching your hands;
reaching into your quiver.
your smell had distracted me from the
bow you had ready.
your lips had kept me from asking why you never
held my hand & your I love you's led me to
trust everything wrong.
as my chest ached & as my heart bled,
you had taught me that love had a cost.
I was paying my dues.
you said that the pain wouldn't last forever,
& I learned that the love wouldn't too.
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140,210 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hello there Percybeth! CelticThunder1438 here to review your work! Random question I know, but me being a Percy Jackson Fan I was wondering if you were too....? Your username is Percybeth and in the book there is a guy names Percy and a girl named Annabeth....I know that was random, but...anyways going to start onto the review now :S
First off I'd like to say, I liked this poem. It was really good. Sometimes it didn't flow to well but it was still good. As a poetry writer myself, I suggest you read the poem out loud and you will kind of see where it didn't flow. You need more rhythm...I loved the concept, and how you put two and two together because that was cool *BIG THUMBS UP*
~Selina
XD yes i do read Percy Jackson and i ship those two very very much!
And thanks for the review!
I love PERCY JACKSON TOOO!! xD
I love the way this poem is set up. The aesthetic of how it has been arranged is very pleasing, and it was tasteful for me to read because of the easy jump between line breaks. I enjoyed it very much. The subject and content was very touching, and the descriptions were iconic in a manner of loss. The ending hit hard, and it really wrapped up the whole poem, with a neat little bow. Thank you for this work!
I cried at the end...*sniff* very heart wrenching~
I can't fathom to you how amazing, and hurt that made me feel.
That means you did a dang good job!
Yeah it was short, short to the heart stabbing point!
Now when I review I don't go on about your grammar or punctuation. (Unless it's really bad, and I notice.) Although I did notice I few things. I can see that someone else has helped you with that.
So to let you know. This made me feel. And for me, means you conquered something.
(As you can tell, I'm already not very good with my grammar, or punctuation. So let's not judge.)
xJ to the rescue! Hello Percybeth, a few things I'd like to say.
First of all, this poem is very well written and has a nice flow to it. Great work.
But, I do have a few notes. Firstly, capitalization, to make a poem look more professional please capitalize your letters. And on line 10, "held my hand & your I love you's" The "& and your I love you's" should have its own line. And instead of the & symbol, use the word and. Symbols in poems don't look too professional. Other than all that, this was a beautiful poem which I enjoyed reading. Nice work ^.^
May your travels through space and time be merry,
-xJ
Hi darling.
Let's jam.
The italics are out of place. You don't have them anywhere else in the poem, and they disrupt your flow. On top of that, that line isn't necessary at all. I say just get rid of the part in italics and move on.
I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think you're missing words here. It doesn't work with my brain and I'm really confused because when you really read it it makes no sense whatsoever. "my eyes blinded from watching your hands" or "your eyes distracted me from watching your hands" or something would work so much better.
I love the ending, but I'd replace the "&" with the word and.
One issue I have with this is the fact that you use formatting (ie the italics and & instead of and) once and then never use it again. Consistency is key. Go crazy and do whatever you want, but be consistent about it. If you're not consistent, then it just makes your poem look slightly amateurish, and I know you don't want that. I like the topic, and I like the approach, but I feel like you could have done it a lot better. There's an element that's missing here, and I can't quite put my finger on it. It might be that the theme of this person being cupid is taken a little too literally, and it's become the entire poem. Them making the narrator pay their dues/ shooting them with an arrow.. These are cupid like behaviors, but we'd assume they were there regardless of if you mentioned them or not. If you had expanded a bit and let the literalness kind of fade into the background, this poem would have been a lot more effective, in my opinion.