Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » General


Dream within a Dream

by niteowl


With this kiss fall into the waves
and watch hope float away.
Joy has left me,
and I am stuck here,
night and day
in this dream within a dream.

I stand here watching
the roaring waves,
gripping grains of sand,
golden as your hair
and days we once shared.
My fist clenched tight,
my fingers raw, yet still
they slip into a salty grave
and I weep for them
though they are as real
as this dream within a dream.

A/N: For the poetry workshop the other day, we discussed Edgar Allen Poe's "Dream Within a Dream" and put our own spin on it. Here's my take. Enjoy! :)


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
170 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 170

Donate
Sun Nov 24, 2013 7:42 am
deleted5 wrote a review...



Hai there! AlexSushiDog here to review this poem for my ice cream gang, thing...
As Alfonso said, I liked how you managed to end each stanza/verse with the title; it really adds effect to the point of the poem :D You seem to be an veteran on this site so there isn't much mistakes. Your punctuation use is very good and you have used a wide range of vocab! I also liked the concept of this poem and it reminded me of the film "Inception".
Of course, since this is a review I would probably have to find some way to say something for you to improve. (That was an odd sentence)
To be honest the only thing I could find was:

With this kiss fall into the waves

I think the "with" shouldn't be there and should be replaced with "Let"
Overall, nice poem, very professional!
And, if you want, ignore my review. This is your work not mine! ;)
Alex out, beep.




User avatar
67 Reviews


Points: 2314
Reviews: 67

Donate
Sun Nov 24, 2013 5:15 am
AlfonsoFernandez wrote a review...



Hey niteowl, here for a review.

This was a nice poem, and I really like the concept of dreams within dreams and never ending cycles.

Spoiler! :
Talking about never ending cycles, there is a very good horror movie called Triangle that is something like that.


Anyway, back to the review. I like how you ended both stanzas with this dream within a dream. The repetition makes it sound a little better when you say it, and I found it very interesting.

I think the poem might be better and look better if you divided the whole thing into two stanzas, obviously without changing the ending of each one.

There aren't really any errors, so I can't really give you any suggestions of improvement. But it was really very nice!

Good job and keep on writing.

-AlfonsoFernandez, proud member of the Apple Dumpling Gang.




User avatar
590 Reviews


Points: 471
Reviews: 590

Donate
Fri Nov 22, 2013 5:04 am
fortis says...



This turned out nicely. :)




User avatar
35 Reviews


Points: 362
Reviews: 35

Donate
Fri Nov 22, 2013 3:31 am
dbrick wrote a review...



What an interesting concept! This poem reminded me of Inception. Your poem flowed well considering that you seemed to transition from a dream about a lover to a dream within a dream about dying or sadness(?). It provided an intriguing contrast between the two dreams and made the dream within a dream cooncept more vivid. I love poems where you have to read them several times for the story/mesage to become clear. Good flow, good description, no errors (that I spotted). I look forward to reading more of your work!




niteowl says...


Thanks for the review! It's funny...if you look at the original poem, most of that imagery was already there. I don't know if it inspired the movie or anything, but it's pretty interesting. Thanks again!




History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
— Napoleon Bonaparte