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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hey. Here as requested. Albeit really late.
You lost me on this rather thoroughly. You attempted to tell a story but it's so wrapped up in that one person that it can't stand on its own. There was the beginning of a story in the first two stanzas, but you get into some odd metaphors that don't fit with the rest of the story you'd established (like "queens' bear") and it goes downhill from there.
I also found you were struggling to fit everything into four line stanzas. Each stanza is fairly disconnected from the others, almost like it belongs to a whole new poem. This is actually a problem I see a lot with four line stanza poems, because trying to cram everything in can be difficult. Especially if you have a rhyme scheme, like you do here, because rhyming already forces poetry into certain constraints.
One thing that bugged me was how close you'd use similar words. "lighthouse" and "lightness" within two lines, then "mist" and "mystic" within three. This can throw off flow really badly, and make the poem look fairly bland because words look the same. In general I try not to have similar sounds within four lines of each other, unless it's a really bland transition word that people get to skip over. Even then, it's better to keep things fresh with vocab, unless you're purposely going simple.
There's really nothing all that special about this poem, I find. It's forgetable, because there's nothing solid for us to relate to. This is mostly a cause of how there's no solid story. We change characters we're focusing on every single stanza, which makes this look more like five four line poems than one single poem.
My biggest suggestion is to make this able to stand on its own. Writing poetry for a single person is all well and good, but if you want to put the poem out there for the public, you have to make it relatable to the public. I usually do this by letting people latch onto a single character or metaphor.
Also, connect each stanza together. This helps create a story that we can follow throughout the poem, and would make this feel a lot less choppy. You can do this by using the same metaphors throughout, or a single character doing the narrating. Also better transitions in general so everything flows nicely and the scene doesn't change every stanza. There also seems to be nothing relating to the title; I personally like titles to have some reflection on the poem, so you can gather some bits of information or a deeper level from the poem thanks to the title. I wasn't getting that here.
Overall, this was average. Readable, but nothing to grab me. To the point I was forgetting what was said in earlier stanzas the more I read the poem.
Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Happy Review Day!
Whisperer here to give a review of this poem.
Nitpicks:
- Shouldn't that be 'distant' instead of 'distance'?
- beckoning*
- I think there should be an apostrophe before or after the 's' in 'queens'.
- I like the way her eyes were praised with an exclamation then call them 'dull' in the next phrase.
- I'm not sure if you mean this to be an imperative or if you were referring to 'her' eyes still.
- :O Gollum! You cannot believe how I actually reacted when I saw that name. lol Anyway, I think it's a really great, interesting revelation that the poem is actually about Gollum and his unbreaking attachment/addiction to the One Ring. Is that right?
- I find it rather odd though that Gollum would want to be a 'Sir'.
- - - - - - -
To be honest, I really didn't understand your figures of speech here and the way you wrote this poem, haha.
Never stop writing!
I'm sorry to say that your theory was wrong. And I'm so surprised at those type-os argh! Stupid ipad keyboard. Thanks.
Hello Gravy!
So I know you said no one would understand this, and I'm still not quite sure what you're talking about, but I think it's beautifully written and it needs to get out of the Green Room, so I'll try to help out. Most of my comments are on small things.
"Distance" should be "distant", and there doesn't need to be a comma after drawn. Also spellcheck doesn't think loathful is a word. It could be wrong, but I'd double-check.
So these words make no sense to me as written. I'm not really sure how to rework it. Maybe:
Sworn to catch evermore until Doom
Their unowned grief to salvage bliss.
I'd try to connect it better to the first two lines.
This definitely feels like it was thrown in for the rhyme. Try re-working it.
No comma needed and a typo in despair, but I really liked the imagery here.
The last line is not grammatically correct and feels a bit forced. It seems easier to fix, though. Something like "Whining and weeping, with problems to spare" Or "Whining and weeping, their problems they share". Play with it.
General note: You don't need a punctuation mark at the end of every line. That's really annoying. I'd consider only having punctuation where it would fit in prose.
Overall, this sounds lovely and has some inventive imagery. Just some small cleaning up and it will be even better! Good job and keep writing!
OML OML FANGIIIIRLL!! -screams-
No, actually, this was pretty good, tinged with sadness, but the concept and meaning is nicely done, good job. (Though you should go back and edit the flow)
~Epic
I like it, but it kind of lost me at a few parts. It is a little bumpy, but with a little bit of revision, it would be a really good piece of poetry. (Nothing much. Just a tweak here and a tweak there.) But overall, it's really good. You described the siren extremely well. (Applause!)
BookLover33