If I looked into your eyes,
All I would see is hope.
You know I feel like dying,
And you always help me cope.
____________________________
If I looked into your soul,
All I would see is light.
The kind that guides my way ahead
And steadily ends the night.
____________________________
If I looked into your mind,
All I would see is madness.
You're so amazingly, wonderfully strange
That your presence radiates gladness.
____________________________
But if I looked into a mirror,
All I would see is a monster.
The kind that haunts my dreams at night
And hurts my friends even further.
____________________________
I'll look into your heart.
I'll look past your flaws too.
But just one thing, before you go,
I'll never stop caring about you .
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,082 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
So, I love this poem! I like the fact that the first and second stanza reflect your problems and flaws but with your special someone fixing you and then the third stanza is how unsure about who that someone really is.Then the fourth and fifth stanza you see what that someone is really like but that didn't bother you-you think that someone is special anyway! I found it quite easy to relate to as well. Overall, what a great poem-please continue writing like this!
First of all, I liked what you want to deliver on the first two verses. I felt how you adored that 'someone' you liked. I also liked how you rhymed the 2nd and 4th lines per verse.
I would just suggest that you follow the syllable count to make it more complete and whole. I noticed that some of the lines are 7, some are 6 and the others 8 in count. For me, as a reader, it would be cleaner, precise and better if you had a uniform syllable count like for the first lines it would be strictly 7 while in the second lines it would be 8 and so on.
I also liked the last line. I felt what you feel. But then again, the syllable count somewhat killed it for me. Also, the line 'And hurts my friends even further' was a tad bit awkward for me.
All in all, it was a nice poem with full of emotions. I just didn't think you connected all the verses as one.
I am in no way an expert but I also appreciate poetry just like you. Everything I said above was just an opinion. But I hope you consider it as a guide somehow.
Thank you.
Salutations. My name is James Hunt.
Firstly, from what I can gather, this poem is about someone for whom you cared, but who recently ended your romantic relationship. If this is indeed the case (and I believe you have already said as much), then I offer my heartfelt condolences.
This is a review, however, and as such I must be critical of your work, but before I do, here is an extract from the Bible I thought you might appreciate:
Now, I must begin the actual reviewing.
I have encountered no major errors so far, but here, I have two minor problems:
1. The first two lines of this stanza are rather short, but the last two are quite the opposite. I simply think this contradiction disrupts the tempo of the poem a bit.
2. The last line of this stanza seems to me a little awkward. Is oozes in reality the most appropriate word here? I don't think so, but poetry is a very subjective art form and opinions will vary.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't the underlined words supposed to rhyme? In each of the other stanzas the second and fourth lines rhyme, but seeing as the speaker views himself (assuming the speaker is you, or at least also male) as a monster, perhaps these lines were not supposed to rhyme at all, thereby further emphasising the "ugliness" of this "monster" and how it negatively influences its friends, i.e. the rest of the poem. Was the lack of rhyme deliberate, then I must applaud your writing skill.
This is a lovely poem on a very emotional topic, and I am certain many other readers will find themselves capable of identifying with the speaker's sentiments. I know I do.
Your language and vocabulary is fitting, and I have found no serious errors. Considering what you must have felt when writing this, that cannot have been an easy task. I would, in fact, like to congratulate on managing to write a poem like this in the first place, for that means you had the courage to accept reality and move on and share your experience as well.
Poetry is, in my opinion, supposed to express emotion and should attempt to "draw out" a reaction from the reader. I believe your poem's theme is conveyed successfully, and I hope that you will continue to present YWS with such extraordinary work. And fear not, for if one wishes to find happiness, one need only look for it.
Rating for this text: four and a half stars (outstanding)
The rhyming structure dropped in stanza 4 then picked back up again in stanza 5.
Also, for stanza 1, 2 and 4 you had a cool thing where line 2 starts with all and line 4 starts with and. If you could keep the repeation up with the other stanzas, it would make this poem a lot tighter. Content wise I liked it, and thought it was cute. Except for in stanza 3, line 4 where you used the word oozes. That makes me thing of something gross and slimy, not something positive. I'd change that word to something that has a happier and cleaner image to it. Keep writing, you are pretty good at it!