what do i say when my hands are cold
when words scrape painfully up my throat
when i'm climbing a mountain with a heavy load
when nowhere i go feels like home
what do i do when the feelings subside
when i'm nothing but just empty inside
when nobody can see past all my lies
when i give away things that's supposed to be mine
how do i act when my soul hides away
when nothing is everything i can't contain
when it's full and then empty, and then full of shame
when nothing helps to ease the ghostly pain
how do i think when my head is full
when my heart is something i can't control
when my food feels like it's rotted to mold
when my presence is like leftover coal
who do i trust when all i'm feeling is numb
when i don't know where i'm actually from
when i don't know what i have become
when everybody expects me to stay calm...
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141,605 Literary Works • 675,131 Reviews
This is a very sad work and I am very sorry because I know it was written from a place of pain. I think we can all relate to feeling this way at some point in our lives.
I would rework a few of the lines:
Painfully in my throat
When I give away all that is mine
My soul dodges and hides
I would also eliminate asking questions in the piece and more so make statemtents. You can ask a general question at the end of the piece, like just put a single question like: Why? or How? Oe even a short question like: Why am I numb? What kills the numb? etc
Also, it is better to be true to what is actually in your heart and mind and putting that on paper, rather than makes the words rhyme. Rhymes are cool and catchy but not also possible or necessary in a piece.
Good Luck and be Well,
Tiffany L
Thank you for the suggestions! I’ll take it to good use next time, thank you!
This feels really raw and real. I like how almost every line is a question—it makes it feel like the speaker is genuinely lost and searching for answers.
Some of the imagery, especially “words scrape painfully up my throat” and “leftover coal,” really stood out to me. They feel personal instead of overly poetic.
A few lines could be cleaned up for grammar or made more specific, but honestly, the imperfect parts make it feel more human. It feels like someone actually wrote this while hurting, not like someone was just trying to sound deep.
Overall, I’d give it an 8.5/10. Very emotional, very honest, and definitely memorable. And yes, bananas.
THANK YOUUU SO MUCH!! Im so glad you enjoyed! Are you new? welcome to YWS!
Yes, I am! And thank you! Everyone is super welcoming!
Oh my god I absolutely loved this poem.
In a sad why it reminds me of myself well past self. I never spoke and even when I was they all weren't really there for me. everything can feel dark and empty inside but things to get better just takes times and practice. also reaching out and getting help.
I love your use of repeated words It made the poem easier to understand and flow with the words.
Keep writing these, they make me remember how bad things can get and that writing them is a way for you to get it all out.
Hello!!
I’m so sorry you had to go through that, life can be hard on people who don’t deserve it <333
Thank you so much for leaving a review and reading it! I’m glad you enjoyed 🖤🖤
Hey VCat! I'm here to read and review your work. Thank you for sharing it with us!
The pain being experienced in this poem is brought forward very clearly with the words and imagery you used.
The isolation with this line is almost tangible through the screen.
These two line, especially the first hit so hard. Shame is such a destructive emotion IMO. It does little else but tear us down.
This is so vivid in my mind's eye reading it. Seeing a dry dusty crumbling coal surrounded by lively people and places, all enjoying themselves while it crumbles away. Oof.
These ending lines are so real. Not understanding who we are as a person can be so anxiety inducing and yet we are expected to keep going about the day to day like we "should".
This poem was very moving and visually evocative. I enjoyed reading and feeling it!
Hey, bambi! Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts! I really appreciate it!
And seeing your compliments really brings a smile to my face; I'm so glad you enjoyed <333
This is a really heavy poem, and I can really feel the emotion shining through your words. I hope you are feeling okay now, and if not, hopefully you have someone to reach out to. I think writing poetry is a brilliant way to express this sort of anger and upset, because it can become a creative outlet. I write my best poetry when I'm feeling terrible, too.
The use of anaphora here is excellent, with the lines starting each stanza such as "what do i say," "what do i do," "how do i act," "how do i think," "who do i trust" give the poem a structural backbone, so to speak. It gives us an anchor as to where the poem is situated, but also shows us how you/the speaker is twisting this about themselves. They feel these huge feelings and then reflect on how they are supposed to do anything about it. It tinges the poem with a sad and quiet desperation.
Some very specific images landed so hard for me.
This is a very unique image and I love this. Left over coal - this could either mean left over in the bag, not used to ignite the fire, unburnt, unused, untouched, or it could mean a piece of coal that is still burning even when the fire is out. Both are equally as effective!
This is a strong and emotional beat to end on, and it bookends the entire poem as this internal struggle of not knowing how to act or perform when you're ultimately not happy.
One thing I might suggest to improve the poem is that some of the lines are a little too long and disrupt the flow of the poem. Such as:
It feels a bit like this line was chosen to fit the rhyme, which makes it feel a little clumsy to me.
I also think maybe a more consistent rhyme scheme might help. The first stanza doesn't rhyme, but the rest all end in rhyming words. If you changed the first stanza to be the same, it would just help the flow a little. This is just my opinion though!
A brilliant poem <3
HEY! OMG, thanks so much for checking this out!
I hope whenever you feel terrible, something will cheer you up <333
I mainly wrote this poem because the numbness comes and goes, and I want people to know they're not alone!
The structure of "what do i do" was a simple idea i found in my head, because I wrote PUPPETEER right before, I didn't think I had any more ideas, but here it is xD
Thank you, and some of the lines are a bit too long, as I ran out of lines ToT I tried to use slant rhymes for the first stanza to make it natural, but it's true it doesn't all rhyme XP
Thank you so much for reading it! I'm so happy you enjoyed!