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I wish you could see
How beautiful you painted the sky tonight
Streaks of gold and pink
Your soul in the brightest star
I wish you could see
How much you meant to me
That night when a text from you sent through
If my heart wasn’t stolen, why is it lost?
I know I could’ve done something for you to stay
I should’ve dropped to my knees and prayed
I regret not pleading for something to say
It feels numb on a brand new day without you—
Would anyone care if I go missing?
Would anyone even sit at my grave?
For my hands are stained with the weight of sin
And fresh, metallic blood I crave
I wish I could hear your distant laughter
Pull you back, fingers curled into fistfuls of hair
Your head buried in my chest, hand clenched in your shirt
Broken, seeing my ethereal angel drenched in tears…
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142,240 Literary Works • 677,072 Reviews
Hello, hope all is well. Here's my review.
This definitely captured the feeling of grief, loss and guilt.
I love the way you worded the first stanza. "How beautiful you painted the sky tonight" was such a romantic way to portray someone who has passed.
Second stanza, I know others have mentioned it. To be honest, I don't mind this line:
"That night when a text from you sent through"
Considering it was originally a song, I feel like musically, that sounds smooth. Especially with the "you" and "through". I think the word "sent" is what's throwing it off when reading it. "Went through" feels better but I don't think it would deliver that punch that you want the reader to feel when learning about the narrator reminiscing on the final message they received from the person who passed.
Also, "if my heart wasn't stolen, why is it lost?" This doesn't deliver as strongly as the first few lines of the poem to me. I see what you were saying with this, but to follow up with the final text, I think this could've been worded a little differently to carry through the intensity of the previous line into the next stanza.
I could feel the build up on the third stanza. Love that you made almost every line rhyme until the last one. Assuming the "you" for the final line is supposed to be an extended melodic note which I think is really cool.
Fourth stanza, ah.. this one's a heart puncher. I can see different perspectives this stanza can be read in. I wasn't sure if I should read this in the perspective of the person who passed? As a way to describe their feelings before deciding to take their life?
Or if I should read this in the narrator's perspective where, they too, feel lonely and insignificant by others. Or may want to end their life because they're full of rage towards any and all things that may have motivated the person who passed to do what they did. Very emotive for sure. Also assuming this is the chorus of the song as it ties in the title pretty well.
Final stanza. Oof.. So this leads me to assume the person who passed was a significant other. A romantic partner who passed? Because this seems very intimate. The fistfuls of hair, head buried in chest. Not saying this can't be applied to any other kind of relationship, but that's the impression I got from it. I do feel like this was left on a bit of a cliff hanger. Feel like there's so much more that could've been added as it ended kind of abruptly.
All in all, I did enjoy reading this. Very raw emotion, very dark and heavy. But that's exactly what death, grief and sorrow feel like. And I think you captured that quite nicely. Thank you and I look forward to reading more
Hello! Thank you so much for taking the time to review my poem! The "if my heart wasn't stolen, why is it lost?" actually came from my dreams, as I woke up with the line echoing in my mind. The fourth stanza for me, is describing how the death of a loved one can cause the effected people to commit suicide as well. No one really passed, although it is one of my deepest fears, and in honor of suicide prevention month, I wrote about the struggle of mourning someone who is still alive. Thank you!
Hey! So I was reading this and, yeah, it doesn't flow quite right. But that's okay. Anyways. Into the review!
The first question is. Who's this person that the narrator's talking about? Clearly they care about them. Are they not around anymore?
"How much you meant to me" this further solidifies the idea that this person isn't around anymore.
"That night when a text from you sent through"
This line feels a little forced and odd.
Now the regret. Knowing that maybe you could have stopped them from leaving. The grief of them leaving is all too real.
Now I wonder if the person died. And if the narrator wants to follow them. The narrator feels horrible and they want to follow them.
This was someone they loved. They want to see them again.
Seeing them drenched in tears. Is this their last memory of them? Is this how they remember them?
Overall. I loved this so much. It opens up so many questions and leaves so much open to the reader. The imagery in the first chunk is so beautiful and id love to see more throughout.
Keep living and writing!
MrytleJinn
Hello! I wrote this a day ago; in honor of September (suicide prevention month), and as a song, it does flow quite smoothly, but converted to a poem, it does sound a bit odd, or rough to read properly.
I wrote this about my worst nightmare--losing someone to suicide. Even though it hasn't happened, I feel like I'm mourning someone who's still alive. It's one of my deepest fears, and I just had to write a song about it!
Thank you so much for reading!
It's one of my worst nightmares too. I'm so happy to read this! This is one of my favorite poems to read
Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Hello, Junebug here with a review for ya!
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
This is a deeply emotional poem about grief, regret, and how it feels to lose someone. The narrator alternates between connecting the beauty of the sky to the lost one's soul, and blaming themselves for their death. It feels very raw and human, perfectly capturing the feeling of loss.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
The line,
felt a bit forced. Maybe consider revising it to sound more natural, and keep the flow of the poem.
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
The opening stanza, describing the sky was a beautifully written example of imagery, immediately creating an atmosphere of comfort.
The ending stanza painted a perfect picture of grief and longing.
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
You have a talent for imagery, and capturing human emotion. This piece was very emotional and beautiful.
Thank you, have a good night/day, and stay safe!
AAAAA THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND REVIEWING!!! It truly means a lot to me. This is more about mourning someone that’s still alive…and imagining the fear of losing them; and I love your interpretation. Thank you for the tip!!
Of course! Keep writing, I love your work! And I understand the fear of losing people, it's actually my worst fear, so thank you for putting this out there and sharing your voice!