I wish you could see
How beautiful you painted the sky tonight
Streaks of gold and pink
Your soul in the brightest star
I wish you could see
How much you meant to me
That night when a text from you sent through
If my heart wasn’t stolen, why is it lost?
I know I could’ve done something for you to stay
I should’ve dropped to my knees and prayed
I regret not pleading for something to say
It feels numb on a brand new day without you—
Would anyone care if I go missing?
Would anyone even sit at my grave?
For my hands are stained with the weight of sin
And fresh, metallic blood I crave
I wish I could hear your distant laughter
Pull you back, fingers curled into fistfuls of hair
Your head buried in my chest, hand clenched in your shirt
Broken, seeing my ethereal angel drenched in tears…
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140,457 Literary Works • 673,229 Reviews
Hey! So I was reading this and, yeah, it doesn't flow quite right. But that's okay. Anyways. Into the review!
The first question is. Who's this person that the narrator's talking about? Clearly they care about them. Are they not around anymore?
"How much you meant to me" this further solidifies the idea that this person isn't around anymore.
"That night when a text from you sent through"
This line feels a little forced and odd.
Now the regret. Knowing that maybe you could have stopped them from leaving. The grief of them leaving is all too real.
Now I wonder if the person died. And if the narrator wants to follow them. The narrator feels horrible and they want to follow them.
This was someone they loved. They want to see them again.
Seeing them drenched in tears. Is this their last memory of them? Is this how they remember them?
Overall. I loved this so much. It opens up so many questions and leaves so much open to the reader. The imagery in the first chunk is so beautiful and id love to see more throughout.
Keep living and writing!
MrytleJinn
Hello! I wrote this a day ago; in honor of September (suicide prevention month), and as a song, it does flow quite smoothly, but converted to a poem, it does sound a bit odd, or rough to read properly.
I wrote this about my worst nightmare--losing someone to suicide. Even though it hasn't happened, I feel like I'm mourning someone who's still alive. It's one of my deepest fears, and I just had to write a song about it!
Thank you so much for reading!
It's one of my worst nightmares too. I'm so happy to read this! This is one of my favorite poems to read
Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Hello, Junebug here with a review for ya!
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
This is a deeply emotional poem about grief, regret, and how it feels to lose someone. The narrator alternates between connecting the beauty of the sky to the lost one's soul, and blaming themselves for their death. It feels very raw and human, perfectly capturing the feeling of loss.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
The line,
felt a bit forced. Maybe consider revising it to sound more natural, and keep the flow of the poem.
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
The opening stanza, describing the sky was a beautifully written example of imagery, immediately creating an atmosphere of comfort.
The ending stanza painted a perfect picture of grief and longing.
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
You have a talent for imagery, and capturing human emotion. This piece was very emotional and beautiful.
Thank you, have a good night/day, and stay safe!
AAAAA THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND REVIEWING!!! It truly means a lot to me. This is more about mourning someone that’s still alive…and imagining the fear of losing them; and I love your interpretation. Thank you for the tip!!
Of course! Keep writing, I love your work! And I understand the fear of losing people, it's actually my worst fear, so thank you for putting this out there and sharing your voice!