Why: A Poem-Raven's Perspective ToD

Hey, CATS! This is Alex, here to drop a review on this poem referencing your Threads of Destiny Series. A love poem from Raven to our beloved hero Dylan? Yes please, I love me some bonus treats! So let's dive right in.

I haven't completed the series but considering their love story was developed pretty early on, I think I'd be fine.

His electric blue eyes glow bright
Under the starry, rainy night
His jet black hair shines
So cute and nice

Such a vivid description! I could literally envision Dylan with his peculiar eyes and hair wet from the rain. I do think the last line breaks the spell the beginning was so captivatingly weaving, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I have a suggestion if you feel it fits better-

Entangled like vines

It's a way to depict his messy hair, which has gotten wet. To me, it sounds reasonable enough but it's all upto you to decide.

I just wish
He would stop taking risks
I know he's meant for something great
Something I cannot relate

This part was brimming with actual plot, definitely my favourite. To love the hero is indeed not for the weak of heart. You just wish they'd stay with you in safety but you know they'll go out to be a hero anyways. You can't even complain, because that's the kind person you fell for in the first place.

Speaking of the more technical aspects, the first one is crisp but betrays structure. Maybe add something like-

Even if just for my sake, I earnestly wish
That he'd stay with me & stop taking risks
I know he's meant for something great

See how the lines are almost the same length now? They are a little bulky and I've taken too much liberty so I'll not really push for this one. Your version has a raw and honest elegance to it so wouldn't really mind if you kept it, it's very originally you.

Something I cannot relate
Something I don't understand

The first line sounds incomplete, I believe it needs 'with which' after the 'something'. I'm a little puzzled on the plot though. When we saw Raven entering the purple abyss to rescue Dylan she had all that main character moment then, plus all the time she's freed him. So I do think this part was negligent on her undeniable role in the story.

Like the sea between shore and land

I'm not sure I get what you're implying here. Isn't a sea between two shores and shore is just a land bordering the sea? There is actually nothing between land and shore, one is the other or they're continuous. It DOES sound poetic I'll agree but looks logically hollow

WAIT!! Is it connected to the previous line 'I don't understand'? Because if it is, YOU'RE A GENIUS! Just like the idea of a sea between a land in sea is an ungraspable concept, Raven can't understand what it means like to have a great destiny written for someone in the very same way. Cunning writing!

I say I love him

I think the more apt response would be 'I love you too' as she's saying it back. But I see that'll harm the rhyme scheme so here's an alternate -

I do too- I tell him OR
I love you too- I tell him

You can totally use quotes to give an even more clear distinction.

As I watch him hurt
Blood on his shirt

I like how this hits the mark! So bold.

I plea, please don't leave me

Hmm.. I think I can make it better. Here you go-

I beg him to not leave me

He's not lying

Nothing wrong with this one but just s personal preference -

That he isn't lying

Together
Forever.

Comes off very powerful! I do have some suggestions for some add ons though-

Being together
Lost in forever

But frankly? I like your version better.

All in all, a delightful read. It was very heartwarming to read a bonus peak into Dylan's and Raven's love story. The shattering pain to love a hero, knowing he'd choose the world over you. It does need some editing finished but otherwise, everything looks great! It's been a pleasure reviewing this for you, hope I get to do it again sometime soon.

Helloooo! The idea of this relationship I'm gathering while not having any other context of their relationship is that it's a simple sweet and exciting love between young people (teens? young adults?) but also includes the complications that often comes with that love due to how young they are—and being young doesn't just mean immaturity, but also means they are still identified by the good and bad they've absorbed throughout their life and they're still processing many things. So I feel, the casualty of this poem works quite well with this kind of love this poetry references.

His electric blue eyes glow bright / Under the starry, rainy night / His jet black hair shines / So cute and nice

The speaker's, Raven's, tendency to be hyper-aware of the superficial details of their partner is a great, simple way of giving more depth to adoring one's physical features—it suggests a history between both of them that lingers in these simple acts of adoring one's superficial details! The first line "His electric blue eyes glow bright" with the wording "electric" and "glow bright" makes me link his eyes with lightning, or at least the impact of lightning, which goes really well with the imagery of the rainy night!

The mention of his black hair shining when establishing the setting as this starry, rainy night makes me think that his head reflects this night. While perhaps unintentional, this can read as his head (mind) reflects the stars (as he is meant "for something great", to be this glorious, shining idea that is unreachable to the speaker) while he is under rain (which is typically associated with negativity- so his mind is "under" [affected] by the possible trauma that is hinted at). This reading, while considering she only notes his hair shines, would be an interesting reference for Raven noticing the superficial details of him, while still not (fully) registering the amount of pain (and trauma?) he has been affected by at this point of time.

He says he loves me / I beam with glee / I say I love him / But our love dims / As I watch him hurt

From one simply accepting love, to another struggling to accept it, flows so well here!! These are one of my favorites lines—these lines go together so well and the tone shift flows so great!

As I watch him hurt / Blood on his shirt / I plea, please don't leave me

Ambiguous... these lines are so interesting to analyze—him being hurt, and this blood on this shirt; "As i watch him hurt"—himself and/or others? "Blood on his shirt"—but is that blood his and/or other people's blood? Here, I was more inclined to think he was hurting himself, and the blood on his shirt is his (perhaps, from his own bleeding heart—a metaphor for sensitivity and his self-deconstructive behavior) but by the way we get intimate with the way Raven is pained from his doubt (and perhaps distrust...), it isn't so far to imagine this guy *also* hurts others and the blood on his shirt could be others' blood, regardless if his way of hurting others is not fully conscious, malicious behavior. I'm inclined to think of both, however my mind is open considering the lack of knowledge I don't have on the lore.

I plea, please don't leave me / It's not meant to be

This adds more to Raven's connection to this person that once appeared to be mainly based physical traits at first, but has gone beyond that. She's desperate, reads as hopelessly romantic (or perhaps somewhat insecure), somewhat comes off as naive about him and their relationship, but she especially views this relationship as a *need*, this thing that must inevitably be long-lasting. While still not knowing the depths of this person entirely, she still has this deep faith for their relationship.

I just wish we could have some time / To get things off our minds / Together /Forever.

What a bittersweet ending, while still being ambiguous about what is going on with this boy.


I really love how the beginning of the poem starts out with simply finding beauty in one's physical features, but their connection is more than that. This poem is almost like a (classic) journey of one's crush—first being compelled by superficial details, then the bits of personality and mind of this person, then to relationship status that needs to be developed further by knowing history and depth of a person. At this point of time the poem takes place, while it's clear there is some depth in the simple love from Raven, their connection hasn't still fully developed, but is in the process of doing so. The ambiguity, and some aspects of this poem not being definite (like the relationship, the boy's character) is done well, engaging and brings interest! Great poem!! keep writing!!!