It’s the middle of LA
My mind is drifting away
From the paper
I say I’ll do it later
I’m in the middle of a rainy night
The street lights flickering, barely bright
There, standing in the shower
In a field of bright red flowers
From his shoes to his face
I run to him with an embrace
He says he has something to tell
Handing me a glittering shell
The background changes, to one more
A beach, we standing on the shore
He tells me he loves me
I giggle with glee
His voice deep, soft and crisp
I need to make a list
Of things I love about him
Just as I lean in for a kiss
It shatters the happiness
The school bell rings
Ding, ding, ding
Wiping away my broken dreams
I want to redeem
Daydreams help pass time
The love still clear in my mind
I just wish it was more
Than just a fantasy I adore.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hey, CATS! Alex is back with a review on another one of your fabulous poems. So let's get started!
I've known about your daydreaming habit for a while now, so this feels like it was a long time coming. I've also read the Threads of Destiny series (well most of it) so I know the genius your mind can be once you lose yourself in it. This is certainly going to be exciting and read.
What do you think about replacing 'It's' by 'In'? To me, it just sounds better. It's completely your call though!
Purely perfect phrasing, bravo!
The first line definitely works but I have another suggestion. Something like-
Teleported to the rainy midnight
It just looks a little more crisp but it's really minor. I LOVED the second line though.
Uhh.. this part came across a little ambiguous. You might want to fix that, just saying.
Did you mean once more? But this is such a beautiful transformation, so captivating!
This almost made me laugh XD. It's quite sweet.
Alas, the trance is broken. What a pity! But this part was extremely well written, I'll tell you this. The shift to reality is skillfully executed.
A shattering closing!! Who doesn't what their dreams to turn true? It's sad, this unfulfilled wish. You've really outdone yourself with this end, quite literally!
This poem felt like I plunged into an alternate dimension of a dreamy life. But it doesn't last, as reality brings the reader back too soon. It's beautiful, yet heartbreaking in it's only imaginative existence. I really liked this, it was my pleasure to review it for you. Hope to read more from you sometime,
Thanks so much! It really makes my day to come back from swimming and read your heartwarming reviews.
As for your suggestions...of course I will use them because it really fits well. Thanks so much for another of your wonderful review and tell your turtles I thank them too!!!
Hello! Milesperhour here, to review your lovely poem!
First of all, I love the descriptive language you use here, it really captures the essence of daydreaming! All the different imaginary locations are very easy to visualize, and the inclusion of the speaker's imagined lover is very interesting as well. The rhyming is pretty strong as well, and the poem flows pretty nicely.
The one criticism I would give is the word shower was very confusing to me at first- it took a couple of reads to figure out you meant rain lol. maybe change the wording?
Overall, I really like this poem, nice work!
Thank u! I will think about it lollll
THANKS FOR UR REVIEW MILES
LOVE YA
CATS
Greetings, CATS! It's knight inks, here to pop by and leave a quick review (though mostly rambles lol) on your lovely poem. Let's get started, shall we?
For starters, I love the AABB rhyme scheme you used throughout the entire poem, it flows so nicely and is easy for my easily distracted mind to focus on and read to really appreciate the beauty of this piece.
You immediately set the scene, placing us into the main character's shoes as they sit in their LA class, distracted from working on their paper.
The main character begins day-dreaming about an ill-lit night in a field of beautiful blooms. You use such beautiful imagery that paints a vivid image in the readers mind.
Ah, so here we discover who the main character is day-dreaming about!
The scene changes as the main character is handed a shell by the man they love—now they are standing a beach. I particularly like the last line, it just reads out really nice to me.
How romantic! Everyone's fantasy and wish to be told that they are loved. Though I got a little caught on the first and second line since the second is just a littler short, perhaps altering it a little will help it to flow a littler nicer? ("He tells me he loves me/I, then, giggle with glee" or "Then, I giggle with glee," so then they both end with six syllables.)
The main character is abruptly torn from their day-dreams as the school bell rings, and sadly wishes that the love that they fancy was a reality. Since you have been following the AABB rhyming scheme for the entire poem, I noticed that "him" and "kiss" do not quite rhyme, so you might want to consider altering the poem lines so that they rhyme to continue following the scheme. ("I have to make a list/of he, and in my bliss," or something like that.)
This line gives us a little insight to the main character's backstory—perhaps the day-dream is about an ex, whom they still long for, or perhaps it reflects a deeper longing for love and affection.
A melancholy ending to such a bittersweet poem. The last line really voices the familiar ache that one feels when single and without someone to love and care for them. I definitely can relate lol.
Overall this was such a beautiful and well written piece, evoking emotions of longing, heartache, and yearning for someone to hold close. They sit in their LA class, distracted from their work, as day dreams of a particular man floods their imagination; first taking place in a beautiful field during a rainy night, and then on the shore of a sandy beach. Your writing really made me feel for the character, vividly describing the scenery, sounds, and emotions of the main character, allowing the reader to perfectly picture what's going on. I enjoyed reading every line, and reviewing was such a treat! Fabulously well done! <3
Thank you so much! This is actually me in LA...in such a daydreamer! Thanks sir inks for your wonderful review!!!
Hello, cats! Happy Review Month! Valkyria here to leave a short review for your work. Let's get into it:
As soon as I read the title and the blurb, I clicked on this right away, because yes, I am a daydreamer. I relate to this on such a deep level. I spend an unhealthy amount of time daydreaming when I'm supposed to be paying attention. I even do it in bed (which is probably contributing to my poor sleep schedule). While most of my imaginations aren't about romance, there are times when I will dream about the perfect man; planning my wedding lol. The romance in the poem is really sweet and cute. I feel like it's universal to dream about a romantic moment in a field of flowers. And reality "shattering the happiness" is so real, so disappointing. I agree with the last two lines, wishing daydreams were the actual reality.
Really enjoyed the poem! You captured the essence of daydreamers everywhere!
Thank you! I so relate to you. I daydream everywhere; on car rides, on bed, at recess, in the hallway, in MATH.
Thanks for the review and I'm so glad you enjoyed!!!!!!
I get daydreamers; that's where I get all these poems and stories from; my crazed overthinking mind!