Published April 29, 2014
The Present
Her fist seemed to shatter the air between them and it collided with his chest with the sound of a thunderclap. Yet, he stood before her and didn’t budge, not even a muscle. He didn’t even flinch. His large hands gripped her wrist and launched her over his shoulder. The air was ripped from her lungs as her back slammed into the earth below.
Kai seemed to have met her match. Kapena was as solid and unmoving as a mountain and no amount of punches, no matter the power, could destroy him. However, she had yet to give up hope. She was- herself- a mountain. Her determination was as unfailing as the air about her.
She pushed herself to her feet. With arms open, she charged at Kapena like a bull. Her body slamming into his was a crack of lightning and their tossing and tumbling there after was the cyclone. Kai couldn’t see her surroundings and she could barely tell which direction was up. Her world fell still when Kapena’s body rested upon her. He was a bag of rocks, a slab of marble. He could almost suffocate her by simply putting his weight on her chest.
Kai panicked, dizzy from tumbling and struggling to breathe. Her arms flailed out to either side, attempting for a grip on something. If she could only pull herself from under him.
That was when her fingertips grazed water and she was able to glance to the side. It was that pool of water that she had identified before. Her eyes lit up with fire. She grabbed Kapena’s shoulders and rolled, sending him into the water. However, his large hands gripped her wrists and dragged her underwater as well.
Kai hit the water as if she had dove off a building and slammed into the pavement. The breath was knocked out of her. She was sent struggling for the surface. Kapena’s hand clung to her wrist with a death grip. He was sinking and dragging Kai down like a stone. The water was deeper than she had imagined.
She began to kick at Kapena’s hand, trying to break free from his grasp to get air. She slammed her heel into his fingers and whipped her arms at the water. She would have screamed if her breath weren’t so valuable. Finally, she was able to kick free and surface.
However, Kapena didn’t surface. With the weight of all of his muscle, he was sinking like a rock. It quickly became apparent that he couldn’t swim.
Kai pulled herself up onto the sand beside the pool, gasping for breath. Should she forfeit the match and save him from drowning? If he passed out, then she would have won, but his chance of survival would have dramatically dropped.
Kai glanced toward all of the members of the crowd. She surveyed their looks of terror and suspense. They were waiting for her to forfeit and save him.
Her mouth was gaping open as if she were a fish out of water. She was gasping for breath. Her mind was whizzing out of control.
What should I do? She asked herself frantically.
What could she do? He was heavier than a rock and she couldn't lift him--she, a Child of the Mist.
That was right: she was a Child of the Mist. There wasn’t anything that she couldn’t heft.
Kai closed her eyes and took in a great breath and felt power fill her to her core. She turned and dived into the water, eyes open to find Kapena. He was laying on his back at the murky bottom of the pool, eyes closed and mouth agape. He had lost consciousness.
Kai reached her hand out and grabbed his wrist before hefting him onto her shoulders. She stood at the bottom of the pool, securing her footing. Then she launched, the muscles in her legs coiling and snapping out, rocketing her to the surface. She arched her body and let go of Kapena, dropping him on the sand. She fell back into the water, but was able to scramble out swiftly.
Medics began to scramble toward the two of them, people were screaming and hollering and whooping. Kai collapsed on her back and began to watch the florescent lights on the ceiling. One light turned into the haze form of two lights, then those hazy forms turned into the auras of four lights. There was someone yelling in her ear. There were cold hands pressing to her cheeks and forehead. “He’s stable,” someone said, though it sounded as if they were speaking through water. Kai’s lungs ached. Her muscles were fatigued. She didn’t have the energy to speak, much less move. All she wanted was to sleep…
And once the lights had doubled again and the auras had stretched and distorted, she closed her eyes and slept.
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140,910 Literary Works • 673,729 Reviews
Hi there Ulala!
I hope we came to this scene halfway through the fight, otherwise it was seriously a short fight indeed! Maybe you could briefly mention something that points out to us that the fight has been going on for a while. Like she was exhausted, the fight having gone on for longer than having expected, or something similar.
I loved the description of the fight scene though. I thought it was spot on. The devastation of seeing herself quickly losing, or the fact that she had won and now she would have to risk her life again on the last sinews of her strength to save her opponent. I loved it.
I thought it was a little bit strange that during the fight she forgot all about the water she had scene when she surveyed the grounds. Isn't that the one thing she would hold steady in her mind, and refuse to let go of? Because it was supposed to be her aim during the whole fight... and good fighters don't forget their tactics
Just to make this sentence run better, it would be nice to switch the 'and it' to 'as it' instead.
Haze should also be hazy here.
It was hard to know who you were talking about. Seeing as someone was just pressing their hands to Kai's face and forehead, I assume you meant 'she's stable.' You might've been talking about her opponent but I believe it would take longer to make sure he is stable. Or maybe position this sentence better so we know they aren't talking about Kai at all.
Really, there is nothing more for me to say here. I am going to go on and read the final chapter!
Deanie x
Hi, J.C. here for a review as promised!
I agree with chancesnchanges below, the imagery you use is fascinating. I wouldn't go as far as saying something such as breathtaking, but then, it doesn't need to be, so I wouldn't worry too much about it.
It's predictable, but it's not annoying. By that I mean that, while I don't read this and say, 'wow, I never would have thought of it like that,' I also am not going, 'yah, yah, I've heard this a million times.' It's just good writing.
Your descriptions slack of a bit in the middle of this chapter, and I was a bit worried that you would end on a bad note. Fortunately it was resurrected in the last few sentences.
Here is a small problem which I see trending throughout the chapter. While it is not vital that it be changed, your use of duplicity, which is using the same words, terms, and phrases in close proximity, breaks up the ebb and flow of your writing a bit. I would suggest simply changing a few words with similar synonyms. The meaning of what you are saying will not change, but the way it sounds to the reader will, and the flow will continue.
The last thing that I noticed is that this chapter is nearly void of dialogue, something which is needed to keep a reader interested. It's actually not very difficult to include dialogue in something such as this. It just takes a bit of focus. For instance,
You are writing in third person here, and you can't just switch to first, as that would by grammatically wrong. But you can make dialogue out of this, which is far more than two people talking with one another.
There I simply allowed the girl's own thought to truly be her own. Before, it was the writer's. Now, it is hers and the reader becomes more involved as the character tells just a bit of the story. Personally, I like this short change of pace, and it keeps scenes such as this alive, and realistic.
You might try adding in actual spoken words as well. I know if I were fighting for my life, I would be spouting some colorful language.
Overall, though, the content is intriguing, and you write a good action scene. The pacing is a bit fast in some places, but for the most part I was able to understand what was happening, and when I got to the end I wasn't upset about its length.
A well written chapter.
Thank you ulala8!
Hi! there ulala8
..
Your imagery, similes and metaphors are fascinating. They add spice to your story that enables us to imagine and cope-up with the sequence of events. Which, I really liked.
I just want wondering about these lines, so I edited it:
Since you've compared Kapena to the mountain, it should be changed by him.
Re-write it to: She, herself, was a mountain.
Interchange simply and by
These are my suggestions but it's your decision matters more..
As what I've said earlier, I like this story. Thus, you know your strengths in writing..
Keep going
Thank you for your review~! While I disagree with a few of your comments for the sake of voice, I will definitely make the other changes. Thank you!!
It's ok with me