Chapter 11: A Chink in the Armour
The room rocked with the force of the Guide's frustration. She bolted to her feet, the chair rocketing out from under her and flying into the wall. The portraits on the wall rocked and swayed. Kai's face was drained of all of its colour.
"I don't know how to find this child of light! I'm in the same position as you are! No! I have it worse! I'm only seventeen! I was thrust into this without any notice and all of you expect me to know the answer to the problem because Kurin chose me!" pushed screamed, slamming her fists onto the table and putting dents in the wood. "All that I can do is hold her power— I'm not her! The child of light could be anywhere. The world is vast. It could even be outside of this country. We have two weeks. I can't figure this out alone."
The room was silent as she had run out of words. All stared at her in awe and dread. If their Guide didn't have the answers, then who would?
Kai slowly took a seat and let off a sigh. She rubbed her fingers over the damage she had caused. Her brows knitted and the look in her eyes was pitiful. She was going to beat herself in about this.
The room remained silent for the longest time. No one ate. Everyone simply looked about between each other, hoping for the answer they had come for. Then Kenichi spoke up, eyes bright.
"What if we just follow rumours of a strange character? Over history, the children of light have almost always disappeared into the spirit realm, or have been otherwise very strange. People are bound to talk about them and we don't have any other leads." Everybody looked about at each other once more, deciding. The headmaster sighed.
"I don't think we have another choice, but where do we start? Do any of you keep up with the gossip in town?" he asked, rubbing over his brow and reaching for his wine glass.
"Maybe that's where we should start then," said Kenichi, grinning. He seemed to be very proud of his input. His eyes were, for once, alive with light. Those bright blues stood out like fire against his dark skin. “Maybe we should go into towns and ask about for the gossips. Then we can find out where any suspicious characters have been dwelling.”
“Hm… Perhaps,” the headmaster hummed, scratching at his scraggly beard and twisting the wiry hairs. His eyes turned toward the ceiling and watched the marble, deep in thought. Pualani was doing the same, but her eyes jetted from one point to another as if she were chasing mice on the ceiling. Kai assumed that she was watching shadows. She, herself, had the tendency to do that when she was nervous.
“I don’t see a better option,” Shun added, moving his empty plate from him. He then stood and grabbed an orange from the middle of the table and set it before him. He licked his lips as he began to peel it. The headmistress scowled at him, displeased with his manners. However, she pushed this away to agree with his statement.
“Very well. I see no reason for this not to be the plan. Where will you go? Where is this hill?” she asked.
“The mountain-- Hono’s hill. Isn’t it obvious?” Kenichi stated, a small smile beginning to grow on his face. He was pleased with his input. “If the world is supposed to erupt in fire if we fail, doesn’t it make sense that we’ll have to go to a landmark that has to do with him?” The master hummed again and nodded, looking to the Argonauts. His eyes caught Pualani and she caught his concern.
“Pualani, dear,” his voice was like ice, “are you alright? Do tell, what are you looking at?” She jumped and gasped.
“Nothing! I was daydreaming, sir!” the Yin girl replied, swallowing a lump in her throat. The headmaster nodded slowly and dismissed his concern. He didn’t care to know the affairs of a girl, much less a Yin.
“So you’ll head into town after you’re finished with your meal. You must excuse myself and the headmistress. We have business to attend to, concerning the other students.” He turned toward his partner. She abandoned her unfinished meal before leaving the room with him. The servants took up their plates and left with them. Pualani stood from her seat and began for the door.
“I’m going to pack my things,” she said, letting off a shaky breath. Kai stood up as well and looked her friend over.
“You seem out of sorts, Pualani. Are you sure that you’re alright?” Then she remembered what her friend had told her first thing that morning. "I can see things, floating around. I can hear them. They're whispering. Some of them are saying my name." It sent a chill through Kai’s body.
“I’m fine, trust me. I’m just a little dehydrated. I’ll be sure to have a canteen with me when we travel,” Pualani answered before leaving.
The Guide slowly sat down and looked about the remaining members of her group. Kenichi was watching his food and smiling to himself. He slowly picked at the egg that he had on his plate, even beginning to hum. His blue eyes had never seen so much light.
Shun seemed to be lost in peeling his orange. Even when Tara tugged on his arm, he gave little acknowledgement. He simply focused on the orange, occasionally glancing to Kai. The look was one of trust and a little admiration. He was proud of his friend.
Kai stood and pressed her half empty plate away from her spot before she turned and began to leave. She passed by Shun and finally was able to get a glance at Tara’s expression. It was one of jealousy. What reason was there for that look to reside with her? It sent a shiver down Kai’s spine. It can’t be...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Oh my goodness this was posted in July. Travesty, that.
Here, has a review.
Take with salt; mind the edges.
Deanie's pretty picky, but I've still got some fresh spins.
Welp, that's an accidental derp. Missing the subject there.
More importantly, "putting dents in the wood" is like way too long for what's happening.
Chairs fly! Walls shake! Portraits quiver! I'm putting dents in the wood!
Now, which of those phrases doesn't quite fit? I'd just go with "slamming her fists to the table, denting the wood."
If you wanted to be *~exotic~* you could use some less boring words.
"slamming her fists to the table so hard it spat splinters back like battered teeth." (that's a little excessive, but yeah?)
You may be doing this on purpose, but I notice your dialogue is telegraphic.
"The world is vast [stop] could be outside country [stop] two weeks [stop] I can't do it alone [stop] pls send money [stop] Nigeria, address 'prince of' [stop]"
I understand she's upset. If I'm exploding at someone, though, I don't do a lot of full-stops.
"you—you—are the whole reason this mess exists! take your sweet time, you dirty rapscallion— pack your bags, now! git! I don't ever want to see your dirty louse-y hide on this side of the Bering sea again! ... I hope you get bitten by a polar bear in the tuchis, you shmuck!"
You know. Colorful. Angry. Lots. Of. Dashes. And. Runs. Between. Sentences. (pls [stop] skor).
Ok.
In? Preposition misuse. She can "beat up," that's idiomatic. She could even hate herself, or giverrself a thumpin', but to get "beat... in" sounds pretty weird. Beat in a blender? Like whipped eggs?
"looked about between each other" is awk. "exchanged glances?" "exhanged looks?" "traded eyeball sockets?"
Ok, so maybe the last one isn't quite what you meant.
What a consternating way to say "strange rumours." You could say this any number of ways to be "more intelligent" without just awkwardly rearranging the same words.
introducing...
(that's like, seriously, what google gave me when I searched "vocab." never again.)
"bizarre accounts"
"curious circumstances"
"ethereal sightings"
"paranormal phenomena"
"unverifiable claims"
"recently formed cults"
"ancient tales"
"grandparents' bedtime stories"
All these things are better than "rumours of a strange character." Also none of them mislead me to wonder "who's a strange character?"
teh gossips, can i has them?
I suspect that this character talks incorrectly on purpose, so just pointing it out for self-reference I guess.
shtahp. hold up.
Here's what happens in this paragraph: Kenichi says, "let's go talk to random peeps and find out where the weirdos live!"
But, between the rather bland sentence structure and his roundabout annoying and outright confusing way of talking, it takes a whole paragraph to get there. Your novel seems very centered upon the action of the story, and not only does this paragraph delay that, but there wasn't any character development either.
I get that Kenichi's not too bright, but don't let him bring down your writing. You do a pretty good job except in Kenichi's sequence, which just feels... Well, like it was written by Kenichi. And while I applaud you for really tapping into your characters as you write, I don't want to read anything Kenichi wrote.
Now this is a cool excerpt. It's fun and well-written, and the characters are subtly developing. Much better than that Kenichi paragraph.
Redundundancicie. Omit!
I feel like this could be less awkward - I think Deanie saw it too.
Perhaps use the headmaster's emotions as a way to describe her feelings - e.g.; "[she] scowled at him. This was not an appropriate time for peeling fruit. But she stifled her usual reprimand..." etc.
See, it's not explicit, as you've written it, that the headmistress is upset because Shun is peeling an orange while everyone else is in a tizzy - he could at least be respectful, right? Instead it comes across that he's somehow peeling the orange in a rude way, or eating rudely, which I don't think is what you mean.
Uh... what hill? There hasn't been a hill brought up in this whole chapter.
Kenichi was proud; now he is pleased - I get it. I really don't like Kenichi for some reason. It seems like he's written in an annoying, often repetitive way.
Actually, the rest of Kenichi's dialogue in this paragraph is just fine. It's really that you keep bringing back up his smiling face and his pride in himself - it's the repetitive stuff that's annoying.
Like ice? Is he concerned, or is he being mean? Usually concerned folks try to sound soothing.
Grammar.
Preposition misuse. "before" suggests she had to attend to leaving her meal unfinished before she left. Rather, she "abandoned" it "as she left the room with him." You don't have to use "as" there - "and" and "then" work, to name a few. But "before" is wrong.
When you're doing a flashback like this, try italicizing it and dropping the quotes. Italics are often used to denote dialogue happening inside a character's head - either thoughts or remembered quotes.
Preposition misuse. "about" is incorrect. Use "at" or something.
Did the room get brighter? I think you mean his eyes have never been so bright; they've never glimmered like this; something like that.
It doesn't make sense to me that Shun, because he is proud of Kai (or is he proud of Kenichi? Why would he be proud of Kai right now? She didn't do anything except punch the table.) - but anyway, since when does feeling proud mean you somehow go into a private coma with an orange?
Or can it?
So this chapter focused a lot on Kenichi and his role in the deliberations leading up to the decision that everyone's now going to go prodding around town looking for rumours and suspicious folks. The last bit doesn't really follow though. As I understand it, Tara is interested in Shun is interested in Kai. Which is fine, but it's also kinda... I mean, that has nothing whatsoever to do with what just happened. Even remotely. And since Kai was just punching tables and throwing chairs, I don't get why Shun is feeling all lovey-dovey at the moment.
I think the premise (or what I've gathered of it from this little excerpt) is interesting, but altogether this chapter segment is really meh. Which is disappointing. The characters are interesting, and the setting is interesting. But nothing happens, really. I feel like this segment is ripe for pruning. Cut big parts of it out, in the larger picture, probably. Make things move more.
But hey! Hopefully that was at least a little bit helpful. I know it's harsh; but I mean well, and I truly do find the premise interesting. Just not this chapter segment.
Be forever hortatory,
~Skorlir
Hi there Ulala!
Finally, I am all caught up with your chapters! Yay! *does a little bit of grooving* Okay, back to the review.
So now the Argonauts have a plan? That seems good to me, and I am looking forwards to having them get going. I'm also a little bit concerned about Paulani... Maybe she is the child of light herself? You did mention them having strange behavior and all, although I don't think my suspicions will be correct. On top of that, I have a feeling Kai and Tara are not going to be good friends in a short while. Especially as Shun is going to be going on this adventure with Kai and leaving Tara behind very soon. So much I am looking forwards to knowing!
You've repeated the word rocking here twice. Maybe choose another word and mix up the vocabulary a bit more?
I've noticed in previous chapters as well that you often use the colour draining from someone's face phrase. They must all be awful pale xD Just because it's happening frequently enough for me to notice, maybe you need to change this somewhat? Maybe say the same thing in a different manner. Like 'Kai went pale' or something similar.
I think you are missing the name here to go along with the dialogue tag. Also, if she is pushing, what is she pushing at? I think maybe you should just cut that word out and just have her screaming and slamming her fists down.
This sentence has an awkward flow. I suggest something like 'the room fell silent after she ran out of words.
Using all sounds really... formal. And distance. Perhaps 'everyone' instead of all.
How is him picking up an orange and started to peel it while seeming hungry rude? I would understand if he stretched over someone's plate or spilled a glass or dangled his sleeve in someone's food. But as it is I can't seen anything wrong.
Maybe put the flashback of Pualani's words into italics so we know that Paulani isn't saying the words now. I momentarily got confused myself, so this would make it more clear.
I think you mean 'occasionally glancing at Kai.'
You misspelled Kai's name.
As for the rest of the story, this is an awesome beginning to the journey. I can't wait to read more. As always, leave me a message on my wall whenever you post the next chapter! I am eagerly awaiting it ^.^
Deanie x