Her shoulders immediately straightened and she took her bottom lip in between her teeth. She nodded to him in agreement. Turning toward the stage, she picked up her skirts and began the venture up the stairs. Foot finding the top step, she breathed a sigh of relief. She hadn't fallen or tripped. The announcer left his podium and offered her his hand. Worry knitted his brows close together, but he hid this quickly, by bowing his head and kissing her fore knuckles. He led her to the table which held the wreath.
He turned to the crowd with an elegant sweep of his arms, saying, "Ladies and gentlemen, Yin and Yang, we welcome today, the disciple of Kurin; the Guide of Strength— Kai Hitari!"
Kai faced the crowd, her face growing more red as she stood up there. She started to feel nauseous, almost as if she would throw up at any moment. This only made her face burn more hotly. The words that were spoken by the announcer became murmurs through water. She only came slightly from her funk when the man nestled the wreath over her head. At that moment, a voice spoke through her that was not her own.
"A child of Yang and a child of Yin
A bridge for spirits, a purger of sins
A world of fire, the future does hold
Skin burns hot, blood runs cold
By two weeks time go to the hill
Make your decision there, you will."
The crowd began to whisper in a frenzy. It was clear that their Guide of Strength was the Child of Yang. There was no hint to the Child of Yin, save for the hint at them being a child of the light, and there had been one of those in several hundreds of years. If they didn't find this child of the light, then the world would burn.
"The children of the light are extinct! What are we supposed to do?!" a man cried from the crowd. The people erupted in screams, panicking and wailing. They stood from their seats and began to move among each other.
"Guide!! Help us!" someone cried out. "Call upon Kurin! Ask her for assistance!" another finished. They stormed the stage. The wave consumed Kenichi. Pualani was lost. Shun was gone. It was simply Kai, being attacked by ravenous wolves. They clawed at her and barked at her and gnashed their teeth, they screamed and howled.
"Help us!" "I can give you anything you want if you help!" "Call on Kurin!" "Get an answer!"
You have to give them what they want. There are no more children of the light, but if they don't get an answer, I can't find them one. I can't think!!
"We're going to die!" "You have to know what to do!" "You're the Guide!" "It's timed perfectly! You're the key!"
Maybe I could think if they would just...
"Enough!!" Kai's voice boomed and filled the whole arena with her deepest, most menacing tone. She stomped her foot and sent a shockwave that nearly shattered the stage and blew the crowd back a foot. "Listen up! Everyone!
"The child of light is not among us! That is certain! But the Goddess Kurin gave to me the prophecy, which includes this character. There is no possible way that they are extinct. Lady Kurin would not abandon us like that!
"However, as I said, the child of light is not here! That is why I request that myself, Shun Yoshino, Kenichi Sato, Pualani Misara and Tara Jun begin on a quest to find this person."
The crowd was silent for a moment before slowly, one by one, they began to nod their heads and clap in agreement. Then they began to cheer and cry out for the new Guide's decision. The idea of five champions going on a quest to save the world was such an appealing thought, they simply couldn't resist.
"Pualani, Shun, Tara, Kenichi?" she called. Kai stood more straightly and raised her hand to summon her fellow travelers. Each found their way from the crowd slowly. Pualani and Shun led the rest up to the stage and- to Kai's amusement- stood in order of the rainbow. It went from Pualani's cerulean, to Shun's lime, to Kenichi's yellow and finally Tara's red.
Amidst the applause, Pualani turned to Kai and said, "we need a name." The rest of the group, all of whom had heard this statement. Kai bit into her lip and nodded her head.
"Ideas?" she requested before she forced a smile onto her lips for the audience. They remained on stage for a long moment.
"The Rainbow Rangers," suggested Kenichi, observing their attire. Kai's brows knitted together and she shook her head smally so that only the group could see. There was an increasingly awkward moment where the clapping continued in a slowing fashion as if the people were unsure of whether or not to cease.
"The Argonauts," suggested Pualani. There was a consideration among them. "Loosely, it means "adventurers"," she explained. Slowly, each head began to give a slight nod until it was up to Kai to veto or let the name stick.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Kai stepped to the side and gestured toward the group and herself, "the Argonauts!"
The crowd broke into a roar. There was much screaming and clapping and standing and whooping. They were applauded for a long while before Kai led them off stage.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
Hey there Ulala!
Ooh, now I get the title now! For some reason, I feel like all the chapters, until now, were really just to get us set up for this part of the journey. Which is perfectly fine because until now it didn't feel like that at all, which means you did a good job of writing it. But I feel that now the real action is going to begin, and I can't wait to see where that is going to take us.
I don't feel like this was your strongest chapter. In fact, this was one of my least favourite ones. I hope to explain why in this review so maybe you can edit it and make it just as top notch as all the other ones
Okay, so this is the beginning of the chapter and you immediately start with the words she and he. It doesn't work well because if you took a break between this part and the next, you need to be refreshed as in needing a reminder who these people are. So take the she and he and make them into their names. I didn't know who the he was all through the chapter. Make sure the reader always knows who is who.
Feeding off of my last line there, you did continue to use the he's and she's a bit too much throughout the whole thing. More names in there would be really helpful.
Another thing that I think dragged down this chapter the most was that it was all actions. This happened, then this, and lastly this. It was so stoic. We need to hear more thoughts and emotions so that we can feel more closer of a connection with the character. Seeing as this is mostly told from her point of view, let's see her personality. You tell us she is blushing, meaning she is embarrassed. So let's here her thinking about what she might look like to the rest of them. Maybe she's worried about what she is going to say, and if she even needs to say anything. Maybe she's trying to come to terms with the prospect that now the responsibility is going to be weighing on her now. So many different things you could put into the story, and there are plenty more. Make sure you don't miss these opportunities!
You did this quite a lot in the chapter, but really there is a need for only one exclamation mark. No more than that
This some of the blunt, purely actions alone writing I previously mentioned. This is just an example pulled out of how you could spice it up some more. Show us Kenichi getting dragged away by the crowd. Mention how there were arms everywhere, in her face, people pulling at her clothes, trying to touch her skin and mumble a prayer or something. Let us here Pualani and Shun calling for her as they're pulled away, let us see her getting a glimpses of her friends faces but then having them buried in the sea of endless people. So much description could come out of the three sentences you've written. Even though blunt writing can be worth it and necessary at some points, right now you need to open it up a bit more. Give us some descriptions and dialogue too!
I know this is a minor thing, but each time it's someone new calling out, you need a new paragraph. I know it may seem like a lot of paragraphs, but it looks neater, promise :3 Make sure you do this for the other time you used the same technique as well.
Wow, that girl has a lot of power in her now. And I'm not sure she really knows how to use it yet. I know she is blinded by anger and all, but wouldn't she be a bit surprised by this unexpected surge of power? Allow her a moment or two to revel in it! Maybe she is even feeling a tad bit scared of her new ability because she almost shattered the whole stage and she doesn't even know how to switch this new power on and off... It would even be cool to mention that there were now some huge cracks in the wooden stage (because I was wondering how she would know she'd almost shattered it, if it looked exactly the same as it had before.)
I think slightly would work better here than smally. Is smally even a word?
That's it from me! I hope I've given you some tips on improving this chapter! I am going to continue reading and see what else I can get from this story. Keep up the good work ^^
Deanie x
Cut out ‘immediately’ from your first sentence. You don’t really need it. And whenever you use an adverb make sure you ready do need it.
The third sentence stands somewhat awkward. Look over that part and see if you can’t say things better.
Repetition. Be wary of repetitions, you have quite a few.
You alternate from being too wordy and slow to too short and fast. Read your story outloud and try to find that balance in pacing.
Each on a new line. Or make sure to indicate its random shouts through the crowd.
Who is saying that? Again, indicate. Also kill the double exclamation mark. One is more than enough.
Started to, began to, any verb with to followed by another verb approach with caution and whenever using such, make sure you need them. You tend to overuse began too.
Else I like the energy you have in this chapter. Work on eliminating the repetitions and clarify the formatting and it will become even more effective. The pacing stumbled in the beginning a bit but the ending was flowing ok. Keep up the good work.
Hello.
I haven't read any previous parts. I'm simply going off what I'm reading here.
Your prose reads very much like "he did this. She did that. They did this. This happened." It ends up being flat to read, because you're not flowing the sentences together. Read other works and see how they weave sentences, interspersing thoughts, objects, and actions together to create prose that flows along and has more interesting structure. This is something that comes with practices, so don't worry if you don't get it right away. It's just something to be aware of and work towards fixing.
Secondly, the punctuation. One thing about exclamation marks is how they're best used one at a time. Once you start using multiple ones for dialogue, the words become overdramatic instead of powerful. Cut back down to one, and rely on actions/tags/context to give your words strength. Maybe even describe the general tone of the audience instead of each individual thing they're saying; that'll give more of a chaotic feel, which I'm assuming is what you want.
There's also the sudden use of first person in the middle. If you're switching to internal monologue, use italics so readers know that it's the character thinking. I was wondering what was going on for the extent of the first person, thinking there was another perspective being introduced until I realized it was Kai.
The concept itself seems interesting. I love Asian based fantasy, and I hope you've dug into the mythology required to really make this world real. Chinese culture is a lot more complex than it appears, with "Ying and Yang" meaning more than simply light and darkness. You'll end up with a better story, better magic system, and the whole world will feel more real if you research what belief systems you're using in your magic base.
Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Awesome. A few things, though. One:
"We're going to die!" "You have to know what to do!" "You're the Guide!" "It's timed perfectly! You're the key!"
Maybe I could think if they would just...
"Enough!!" Kai's voice boomed and filled the whole arena with her deepest, most menacing tone. She stomped her foot and sent a shockwave that nearly shattered the stage and blew the crowd back a foot. "Listen up! Everyone!
"The child of light is not among us! That is certain! But the Goddess Kurin gave to me the prophecy, which includes this character. There is no possible way that they are extinct. Lady Kurin would not abandon us like that!
"However, as I said, the child of light is not here! That is why I request that myself, Shun Yoshino, Kenichi Sato, Pualani Misara and Tara Jun begin on a quest to find this person."
The crowd was silent for a moment before slowly, one by one, they began to nod their heads and clap in agreement. Then they began to cheer and cry out for the new Guide's decision. The idea of five champions going on a quest to save the world was such an appealing thought, they simply couldn't resist.
I just thought the mood changed too quickly. I know the idea was appealing, but should they change moods in twenty seconds?
Second,
"A child of Yang and a child of Yin
A bridge for spirits, a purger of sins
A world of fire, the future does hold
Skin burns hot, blood runs cold
By two weeks time go to the hill
Make your decision there, you will."
Love the prophecy! But can you please tell me what Yin/Yang is? I haven't read any of your others.
Third, love the Argonauts! I'm obsessed with Greece and Percy Jackson. Keep writing and enjoying YWS! You really rock!
When the world began, it was ruled by a fire demon named Hono. From the ashes of his fire came the first human. His name was Osorezu and he became the first Yang. Yang are people of strength and physical skill. He defeated the demon before the earth healed and he found another human. This was a female and she was Yin. She's spiritually oriented and peaceful. People descending from them are also Yin or Yang, being either spiritually oriented, or physically oriented.
hi,
here for a review, although this is my first review so I will just point out a few things
first of all I liked the story and I can't wait to read more.
now for the review
this first sentence was a little confusing. Also in the second I would put a transition in there
'Worry knitted his brows close together, but he hid this quickly, by bowing his head and kissing her fore knuckles. He led her to the table which held the wreath'
instead you could say
Worry knitted his brows close together, but he hid this quickly, and bowed his head, kissing her fore knuckles. Then He led her to the table which held the wreath.
'"Guide!! Help us!" someone cried out. "Call upon Kurin! Ask her for assistance!" another finished. They stormed the stage. The wave consumed Kenichi. Pualani was lost. Shun was gone. It was simply Kai, being attacked by ravenous wolves. They clawed at her and barked at her and gnashed their teeth, they screamed and howled.'
I would leave out the part about the wolves or make it a simile
'The rest of the group, all of whom had heard this statement.'
this sounds like a fragment
Kai's brows knitted together and she shook her head smally so that only the group could see.
smally is not a word
other than those small details it flowed well and was easy to understand
(I still don't know how to copy and paste "officially" in reviews)
I've been writing this on my ipad, which is the reason I have typoes. Smally is not a word. I don't know what I was trying to write there. The segment fragment was another typo.
the need word for the ipad
About copying and pasting:
You just hold down on a word close to the place you want to copy, then when the word is highlighted in blue, drag the blue dot however you want it. Click Copy. Then, go back to wherever you're typing, double click, and press Paste. This only works for iPad.