Published February 24, 2014
The Present
Kai stood nervously before her opponent, brow soaking with sweat and breath heavy in her chest. Her blue eyes began to search nervously through the earthen eyes of the broad shouldered male, attempting to discern his strategy for their fight.
“No matter what happens, I hope that we part ways as companions and not adversaries.” The male, Kapena, said. A smile formed on his lips as he sent a large hand for her to shake. Almost hesitantly, Kai placed her hand in his and shook. Her hands were clammy and she was sure that the moisture was off-putting.
“Yes. I hope so too.” She said before hastily releasing his hand and bringing it to her thigh to wipe off the sweat. “Sorry.”
“Sorry for what?” Kapena asked, just as he was called away by his friends. “I have to go.” he then left her side, abandoning the girl to her own devices.
Kai sat upon the nearest bench— which was sturdy, uncomfortable and wooden. She remained seated for nearly twenty minutes, surveying the battlefield and familiarizing herself with the terrain in panic.
“Remember to use that boulder for cover.” She thought as she imagined herself on the field, ducking for cover. To her right, there was a large, flat expanse of loose dirt. She was sure that if she moved too quickly or recklessly, she would fall on her face. It was a trap of sand that she could easily use to trip her opponents as well.
Directly behind this sand trap was a small pool of water, which was dark and seemed to be deep. Kai thought, “You can drag your opponent to the water and throw them in. You’re an excellent swimmer.”
Opposite the pool, on the far end of the arena, was a table that was covered in a white sheet. On top of this white sheet was a wide array of melee weapons. The weapons would certainly cause pain, but none could cause death; there wasn’t a student here that had the strength to crack a Ningen skull, not even a Child of Mist.
“Kai,” a voice asked, jolting her from her daze, “are you alright? You look pale.” It was Shun, dressed in white silk from head to toe, which was sure to offer him more speed than was usual.
“I’m fine,” Kai answered, nodding her head very slightly. “I’m only a little anxious. How are you holding up? I’ve heard that you’re first challenging Narra; that’s going to be a challenge, right from the start.”
Shun shrugged, “I guess so.” His long hair was tied back in a braid today, but something was new. A red ribbon was laced through his hair. Kai smiled.
“Who braided your hair?” she asked, tilting her head slightly, the nerves beginning to melt away. She could feel her muscles relaxing as she kept her mind from the upcoming match.
"Uh," he seemed to be a little distracted as he thought on that. "Tara." He finally answered, a smile gracing his lips. Kai's eyes went a little wide: Tara was a black sheep, a Child of Mist but her abnormal dexterity in her fingers and toes were virtually useless.
"That sounds like her." Kai said. "That is just about all that she is worth."
"She's worth a lot more than that." Shun bowed his head slightly, hiding away his voice and his smile in his chest. His cheeks... His cheeks were a pale shade of pink (as pink as could be on his tan skin). His eyes rolled closed and his smile brightened slightly as if he were imagining her.
Kai smiled as well. "Shun, you have a crush!" she whispered, nodding her head. "Where is she: Tara?"
Shun tilted his head ever so slightly, letting Kai know that he was listening, but didn't have an answer. He shrugged to emphasize for her.
The ringing of a gong struck out loudly and vibrated through the entire arena, singing like a baritone opera singer. This signaled the beginning of the contest.
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140,910 Literary Works • 673,729 Reviews
Hey there Ulala!
It might be good in previous chapters if you have Kai thinking while she is dueling with her friend something like: should I really go on? Is it wise to sap my energy and strength when a contest is coming later? That was it hints to the reader that something interesting is coming in the future, it makes sense and most of all evokes curiosity. Those type of things keep the reader reading!
I decided it was time for me to go through and review this story. I also read the previous chapters so that I would know what was going on. But seeing that they had enough fab reviews I will jump skip to here and drop a review when I actually have worthy criticism.
So far the story has been good. I am wondering what this contest will be like, what it includes and really hoping that you explain that in the next chapter because right now, I have no clues as to what the rules are or what the aim is in general. All I know is that violence and possible pain will be included
I'm just going to second what Aley said. You really do introduce us to far too many names. I have forgotten almost every one apart from Kai because they are all so unique and come and go so fast I can't process them. Cut out the unimportant characters... so by that I mean let this guy (her soon-to-be-opponent) be called 'her opponent' instead of giving him a name. You can do this with some other unimportant characters, I am sure.
You briefly mention this, but now it needs some explanation. Why not even them? In what ways are they different from the Ningen? And in general we need to know more about them. Dropping this like that cannot be ignored, because when the reader sees something new, they want to know what it is!
Challenged and challenging in the same sentence seems a bit iffy to me. I think you say change the end of that sentence to be 'that's going to be difficult, right from the start.'
We don't really know much about Kai as a main character other than she is strong and determined physically and a bit mentally. We know she has friends. But what of her personality, and what of her family as well. What is her opinion on the constant fighting. Does she like it?
I liked your description of the battle field and how you incorporated her tactics in it too, so it wouldn't bore us. You've also described the outside world brilliantly, seeing as we have the past story to this. I'm also looking forwards to seeing what the main plot of this story is. I shall keep reading!
Deanie x
Hi Ulala, Aley here again.
First thing first, we're back to a lot of names again. Please, please, refrain from introducing too many names if we're never going to need to know these people again. We don't need to know the names of side characters unless they're going to be important. I have a feeling we're not going to need Kapena after he gets beaten by Kai.
So why do we know his name?
You can show this by he asked, new paragraph, Someone calls his name [which would be our hint about who he is without giving it to us multiple times] and he leaves. No need to tell us who he is then, just "her first fighter" would do.
You tell us this pretty clearly in the next part without needing this sentence.
eh, I would just go "Where is she-Tara?" instead of a whole : for such a simple thing. It's going to make things go a little quicker for the reader and you're not going to have the huge pause.
I am not so sure about how fast this is going right now. I feel like you could have started a lot closer to the competition, or even after the competition, and we would get into the grove of this story just fine. All of this so far just seems like back story.