The Present
Shun and Tara were resting on the bench beside the arena floor. They were awaiting the sound of the gong, which would announce Shun's turn in the tournament. He would be competing against another male that was nearly as fast as he was. However Shun was a Child of the Mist, and this male was not. This male's name was Ju Ri.
Ju Ri was a tall boy, with the long face and pale skin. His hair was blonde, but it was clearly an artificial color. His eyes were brown. The only sort of physical activity he seem to get, was inside of the facility.
Shun enjoyed resting in trees. This would often forced him to have extreme agility. This was a skill that he treasured. No other person could match him in speed or beat him in a tree climbing race. He was like a monkey. That was what Tara told him. Only in a tree was he ever able to breathe and rest soundly. He closed his eyes and began to drift off.
"Shun!" Tara's voice called to him from below. Her voice sounded urgent and a noticeable bit panicked. "Come down here! It's Kai!" However, only just as she had said this, The gong rang, summoning Shun to the arena.
He braced his hands before swinging upside down and penny-dropping from the branch.
"Is she dying?" he asked. Tara shook her head.
"Is she in big trouble?" She nodded.
"Can it wait?"
"I guess so, but—" Shun cut her off with a short kiss before he began to jog toward the arena.
"Tell her that I'll be there in a moment! I just have to win this match!" he called to her, looking back over his shoulder. Anything said afterward was lost to his ears. He was closed off to the world as he prepared himself for the match.
He took a deep breath. He began to chew on his lip. He brought himself to the edge of the sand trap that was his battleground. Ju Ri was already standing on the opposite side, awaiting the second gong. Shun slipped off his shoes.
The gong rang and the two boys charged at each other at full speed. Shun narrowed his eyes, searching for a weakness in his opponent's form. He faked to the left and sent Ju Ri running off with his momentum. Shun then wheeled around and struck. His thumb and forefinger grasped the nape of the other male's neck. His foot hooked around Ju Ri's and threatened to take him to the ground.
However, before anything could happen, another gong rang. This gong sounded sharp and in high alarm. It rung in Shun's ears, causing him to lose his grip. Ju Ri collapsed to the ground, gasping for the breath he had lost from the grip.
"The victor will be decided by a panel of judges. This is an emergency postponement. All students are to return to their dorms, unless otherwise instructed, until an announcement has been made." The voice was different than the one that had announced the games before. This was the voice of the headmaster. His voice was noticeably panicked.
Shun whipped around and began to search for Tara. However, he looked to the crowd just as they began to swarm. They were in a panic as well. The buzzed like bees, quickly darting from their places in the audience. They moved in a swarm around Shun, cutting through the arena as if it would make their trip shorter. There were several people frantically yelling. Some of them were officers, trying to guide pedestrians and students out safely, and others were hapless victims of hysteria— screaming without rhyme or reason other than the less than calm announcement.
Shun stood on his tip toes and he could not see an end to the mass of fleeing civilians. He could easily surpass the height of the average passerby, yet he could see no end to the mass. There was no way to find Tara in the endless mass except by chance.
A hand snatched Shun's wrist. He spun to see who had. His heart was beating erratically. He could only be in trouble. Panic wove through his being.
Tara's wide grey eyes pierced his with the same terror.
"I told you that you need to see Kai," she hissed before turning on her heel and dragging him toward an empty door. This door no one was escaping through. Passed this door was the medical wing, where all of the injured combatants would be carted.
Tara moved quickly, more quickly than Shun could have. He was in too much shock by the situation to move. His thoughts were too caught up by the alarm and the fleeing people and the near loss of Tara, that he couldn't move his feet. Stumbling and teetering, he fumbled after her, mind groping for what was to come.
Shun was led to a new, crisp white door. It had a number across the top and a tray of papers near the handle. At the head of one of the papers, it read, "Kai Hitari." He pushed open the door. Then he discovered the reason for the alarm.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hmm, what's going on here? MORE CHAPTERS?! Child, you didn't tell me! Happy review day, I am at your service.
Nitpicks
Spoiler
You don't need ze comma here.
What buzzed like bees? The people, the animals? What?
Don't you mean Pass this door?
What's up with Tara? She's acting like someone died. Shun seems to think so as well. Mainly because of the headmaster's panicked tone.
Shun should be a monkey. They love climbing trees. So does Shun! Monkeys also have a much easier life. Until they get eaten. That part probably sucks.
Keep writing
-lost
Hey there Ulala!
I think this was up to the quality of your usual writing style as always, and I enjoyed reading it. You've got a lovely chapter ending there as well; I'm just going to want to keep reading and see what the problem is. I wonder why Kai is in the hospital as well? I will have to read on, because of that cliffhanger ^.^
It's good to see more chapters to this story posted! I am going to work my way through them, okay
One thing I wasn't too happy about was seen even more characters! I mean, we've already got multiple characters in this story, and even more on top of that because we've got the past and present coming in to it too. Because we've got such an abundance of characters, occasionally it's hard to keep up and know who is who! I would need a character list for this novel, and so I think it's best you slim down on the number of characters or refrain from adding anymore. I was just surprised to see you introduced new ones here.
There is no need for the word 'would' here in this sentence.
No need to capitalize the 't' for 'the' here either.
Because Ju Ri is also another character, it would be nice to get a bit of a description from him. What does he look like? What are his abilities? Does this make him a threat or not? This would be the perfect time to show us what he looks like, because we could have Shun sizing him up for the attack, examining his body to see where he might be able to get an advantage, even before they start charging at each other.
One more thing - how does Shun feel before the fight? Yes, he is calm because he has been amongst his trees beforehand. But is he a little bit nervous, or confident, or distracted because he is thinking about the emergency Tara mentioned? Let us in a bit on his emotions here before the battle as well, because it could all affect his performance when it comes to the battle.
I am going to continue reading and see where that cliffhanger lands me!
Deanie x