Chapter 12: Departure
The morning continued on uneventfully until it was time for the Argonauts to depart from the academy. Each member was granted a horse, making for a total of six horses including their supply mare. Each member of the Argonauts were donned in different clothing.
Kai was dressed in her monk-like violet silk. Her loose pants and sleeves were wrapped down to her arms to keep them from getting in the way. Her feet were still clad in slippers, although they were sturdier, built for the outdoors. She rode atop the only white stallion, which was not her choice, but that of the headmaster, who insisted that the Guide of Kurin needed to ride a steed of all white in honour of Yin.
Pualani was clothed in an ankle-length dress of ivy. It had no sleeves, and there were slits drawn up to her mid thighs. This allowed her to ride. Her legs were covered with a material that allowed for her skin not to be chafed by the horse. The hem was as red as a cherry. The headmasters had urged her not to wear this, and to wear something more modest. However, she refused.
Shun dressed himself in something similar to Kai, however, he did not tie down his sleeves or pants. He allowed them to billow. The silk was left its off-white colour on top, and given a bark brown colour on the bottom. His feet were made sturdy by slippers that had thick soles. His mare was the slowest of all, aside from the supply mare, which quite annoyed the young Yang.
Kenichi was clad in a tunic of an eggshell colour. Over his chest was a thick leather vest, with many pockets on the inside lining. His pants were thick slacks, which were smooth on the inside and perfect for riding and stuffed into a pair of riding boots.
Finally, Tara rode in back with Shun, dressed in a pale rose dress with a divided skirt. It was the plainest of all of the clothes. It was almost as if she was trying to fade into the background. She certainly didn’t seem to want to speak, much less give an idea. The tension from Tara was thick, and she almost held a scowl on her sweet lips.
Kai could feel it like a sword, rammed through her body. That scowl- that choler- was directed toward her. It was the same sort of feeling that one would get when they stood at the edge of a cliff, their back turned to their friends. The imminent and primal fear settled like a stone in Kai’s stomach-- a weight that seemed to ring her entire body down.
What had she ever done to Tara? Even digging as far back into her memory as her first school year, Kai couldn’t produce anything to justify such a look that she was receiving. Perhaps there was a misunderstanding. I’m probably misreading her. She might just be having a bad day.
She let off a breath that she hadn’t known she was holding.
“Shun, we need to go to Tai Shun. Will you move to the head and lead us?” Kai requested. Tai Shun was a small village, no larger than 400 people strong, that they would use as their first checkpoint. They would stop at several other towns such as this one until they reached the Qun Shun pass. Hopefully, they’d have the Child of Light by then. Regardless, their next destination once through the pass was Hono’s Mountain, a sleeping volcano that consumed the sky.
Shun and his stallion trotted to the front without hesitation. While Kai had scarcely seen but ocean, Shun knew the land as if it were his own body. There was no mistaking that he truly loved nature. It was almost as if he were one with the world. He knew every twist and turn. The secrets of the forest were whispered into him. Kai had always envied that. Now, it was his moment, his moment to shine.
However, this left the train of students, made warriors, in silence. Kai’s eyes fell on Pualani, who was riding closely to the Guide. Her head was tucked down and her eyes were resting on the horn of the saddle. The aura about her sent a nervous chill through the young Yang.
Her eyes drifted back to Kenichi, who was watching Shun in what seemed to be awe. Something struck Kai when she looked at him. She had never really considered why she’d invited him along, or why he was even her friend. They weren’t particularly close, and they didn’t really talk to each other. What could he even provide for the team? It was only coincidence that he was medically adept at all. All he had wanted to do was to become a trade expert.
Then there was Tara: eyes of ice and aura of ire.
What kind of team was this? It was a rag tag of people whom Kai had thought would be suited for this mission. It had never once occurred to her that they needed certain skills. She had only her faith and that faith had given her an unbalanced team. Shun and herself were fighters. Kenichi- she hoped- would prove a strategizer. What would Pualani or Tara offer? For what reason had she pulled them into the mix?
And what if they failed? The lives of the innocents would be lost. Kai’s team was so poorly put together, she could only hope for a 50% chance of survival. Two people were basically dead weight; neither fighter, nor healer.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello, love! Aurora here with a quick Review Day review for you! First, I must confess that I have not read the previous chapters, so please do excuse me if I critique something that you've already addressed in a previous chapter.
. You could ever combine those sentences into one; Each member was donned in different clothing and granted a horse, making for a total of six horses including their supply mare.
. Also, you can combine both sentences; It had no sleeves, and there were slits drawn up to her thighs to allow her to ride.
Alright, let's get down to business. Nitpicks first.
Each member was granted a horse, making for a total of six horses including their supply mare. Each member of the Argonauts were donned in different clothing.
Two things. First of all, this is really repetitive. Both sentences start with the words 'each member'. Vary your sentence structure a little and switch up the words you use too
Of course, that doesn't sound great/ make the most sense, so I'd just switch up what words you use. Anyway, second, you need a comma before 'including their supply mare'.
Her loose pants and sleeves were wrapped down to her arms to keep them from getting in the way.
First of all, I'd change the order of 'pants and sleeves' to 'sleeves and pants'. Not only does it sound better, but you see someone's upper body before you see their legs (usually, that is). Also, in the second part of the sentence, since you mention both sleeves and pants, you want to mention both arms and legs yeah?
Her feet were still clad in slippers, although they were sturdier, built for the outdoors.
Perhaps change the wording to:
Her feet were still clad in slippers, albeit sturdier, more built for the outdoors.
Only a suggestion, though, there's nothing grammatically wrong with the sentence.
She rode atop the only white stallion, which was not her choice, but that of the headmaster, who insisted that the Guide of Kurin needed to ride a steed of all white in honour of Yin.
Change to: She rode atop the only white stallion, which was the headmaster's choice, who insisted that the Guide of Kurin needed to ride a steed of all white in honour of Yin.
Makes it more concise and it's in an easier to read format.
It had no sleeves, and there were slits drawn up to her mid thighs. This allowed her to ride.
No need for the 'mid' there. It just makes it weird to read
Her legs were covered with a material that allowed for her skin not to be chafed by the horse.
Argh. I'm pretty sure you're writing in passive voice.
The headmasters had urged her not to wear this, and to wear something more modest. However, she refused.
The headmaster had urged her not to wear this, and to wear something more modest, but she had refused.
I can't find anymore grammatical errors, only little details here and there that I can address as a whole so... end of nitpicks?
All in all, love, your pacing and style is great. You have GREAT description of characters; now I'd focus a teensy bit more on their surroundings. However, you have a lot of short, choppy sentences all over the place. I pointed out a few for you, but I'm leaving it up to you to find the rest.
Still, great job, love.
Keep persisting
~Aurora
Hi there Ulala!
I liked this chapter because I liked seeing Kai reviewing her team and noticing that she had picked out people based on friendship and who she was connected with rather than people by strength and powers. It's a shame she considers two of them to be dead weight, even though I can understand things from her perspective. Either way, I cannot help privately hoping those two people because really needed and save the day sometime or something, just to prove Kai wrong!
I was so happy to see you posted more of your novel! It had been a while since I had read any, but not too long because I was still able to remember what was going on and all
As they are leaving, I thought there would be screaming crowds of praise, viewing all the people leaving the school and heading out on their quests. I felt like there would be people cheering at seeing Kai on her white horse, tall and proud, and gasping at the inappropriate clothing one of them is wearing. No matter what time of day or night this is set at, I am sure people would've come to see their supposed saviors. So let us see the cheers, hear the spurring on and see the endless number of faces that make Kai nervous all the more on the inside!
You've started both sentences with 'each member' here, and I find it a little too repetitive close together for my liking. I picked up something was different about those two sentences almost immediately, so it made them stand out. Maybe change the beginning of one.
You're missing the word 'the' in between 'in' and 'back'.
Give an idea to what? Unless you would specify what she would be contributing to by giving ideas, if there is anything in that manner at all, this shouldn't be here. But I think I do get what you are meaning to say. Do you think this might work better: She certainly didn't seem to want to speak, much less contribute to the team. (This way it covers all aspects of working together, not just giving ideas for one thing. It doesn't need to be specific.)
Is it even possible to get tension from someone? I think you can get vibes from someone, so you could say Tara released thick vibes... Or you can say the tension between two people, like the tension between Shun and Tara, or between Kai and Tara was thick. You have some possibilities there, so pick and choose!
*Kai could feel it like a sword was ramming through her body.
The chapter starts off with a description of what people are wearing. At first, I was interested. We got to know why Kai's horse was different from everyone else's (white, not too good for blending in, eh?
I enjoyed this and am looking forward to future chapters! I hope you manage to describe the setting beautifully as we traverse through the lands and also cities a little bit, some thins we have yet to see much of outside of the school. This could really be interesting
Do keep me updated so I know when there is more!
Deanie x