Gods-- what do I do? Lady Kurin, how am I to do this? The thought almost brought her to tears. If not for the rocking of her body, she would have been teetering on her own.
You believe in yourself and your choices, a voice within Kai’s head replied: one that was not her own. This was the voice of Lady Kurin. It was tender and bittersweet-- a rose covered in thorns.
How am I to do that? We have two weak links. She could feel the sweat beginning to bead under her arms, sticking the fabric to her skin. She was a fake leader.
You believe in their abilities, Kurin said, a hint of a smile in her voice. It hardly encouraged her young Guide.
What if we don’t find the Child of the Light? Hono will kill us. There’s no doubt about it. We won’t have the means to destroy him, Kai fretted.
That is true, Kurin said and there was a long time before she spoke again. Have faith. I will not allow you to fail. You would not be my Guide if I did not wish to aid you. Be strong. The voice of Kurin was gone.
Kai let off a long sigh before leaning down and resting on the neck of her stallion. It was uncomfortable to lay like this with the horn pressing into her abdomen, wanted to rest her eyes. It was still quite early and her stallion was trained enough to follow the other horses.
“Pualani, will you make sure that I don’t fall?” Kai requested, which seemed to jolt her into the land of the living. She gathered her thoughts before nodding her head.
“Of course,” Pualani replied.
It would take the day to reach Tai Shun. If they rode hard, then they could make it in a few hours, but the supply mares simply couldn’t keep up. Surely, this pace would grow quite unsettling with the progression of the quest. Till then, it was quite relaxing. The rocking of the horse, the rhythmic footstep of each hoof striking the ground. It was all quite soothing when one’s eyes were closed. Soon, Kai drifted into a light slumber.
When she was next roused, it was to the light of dusk and the howling of Shun. “Hide!” he was screaming. Kai opened her eyes and sat upright. Just as she did so, an arrow to her shoulder took her from her horse. The beast spooked and began to sprint ahead. It barely got ten feet before he was on his knees.
The Argonauts scattered. Shun did his best to protect Kai, but doing so at the expense of his life and his horse. Arrows struck the ground around them, missing them only by fractions. It seemed that the Argonauts, themselves, were not at risk. The arrows avoided Shun as he protected Kai. It was only safe to say that the shooter or shooters were after the Guide, and the Guide alone.
As Shun stood in the line of fire, Kai crawled in his shadow and into the bushes, where she was completely hidden. Her attention drew to her bleeding wound. It was hot and it was sticky, but when she touched it, it didn’t sting. The more she did, however, the more it hurt. Shock hit her body like a stampede. Her heart felt as if it were throbbing, just like a weak muscle would after a work out. It felt as if her body had been overworked and it was shutting down.
“Kai,” a voice hissed. It was Kenichi. When did he get here? Was he here the entire time? “I’m sorry if I hurt you.” He opened his vest and took out a small bottle of alcohol. Firmly grasping the base of the arrow and Kai’s shoulder, he pulled the obstruction from her. An inhuman howl of pain escaped her. “I’m sorry,” Kenichi told her, frowning in a way that let her understand how genuine he was.
Shun soon ducked for cover and found Kai.
“It’s alright. You’ll be fine,” he cooed, taking her uninjured arm’s hand.
“Who shot at you?” Pualani hissed, joining into the conversation.
“I don’t know!” Kai interjected, “and I don’t care! Gods… Kurin give me strength…” She whimpered.
“It’s going to be alright,” Shun repeated gently.
“I’m dying!” Kai screamed, her eyes hazy with fear and pain.
“You’re not dying,” Shun claimed.
“I’m going to bleed to death!”
“You’re going to be fine!”
“What a worthless lead I am: dying before our mission’s even begun!”
“You’re not dying on us! We need you!” Tara snarled, turning the heads of the argonauts. Kai’s thoughts immediately halted and made room for more.
She’s saying something. Tara of all people…
“There’s a reason why you chose us and there’s a reason why you’re leader. We need you more than anything. You need to trust us. We’re your argonauts after all. We must protect one another.” The speech wasn’t particularly endearing. Venom was pouring from Tara’s lips as she spoke, her daggers for eyes glaring into Kai’s soul. No matter what, it seemed, Tara hated their Guide of Kurin.
“Thank you Tara,” Pualani responded with a similar tone. It wasn’t the time or place for Tara to spit her poison. Kenichi nodded his head in agreement before removing a needle from the inside of his vest, accompanied by some thread.
“This will hurt,” Kenichi warned before he braced the skin and began to sew. A whimper followed by strained breaths fell from the young apostle, who quickly found her face pressed into Shun’s thigh. She couldn’t see it, but Tara’s face had become livid.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,752 Reviews
Hello, love! Aurora here with a quick review day review for you. I haven't read most of the previous chapters, so please forgive me if I critique something you've already addressed in a previous chapter.
. Also, consider italicizing the first part of that sentence, the 'you believe in yourself and your choices' part.
Alright then, down to business. Nitpicks first?
You believe in yourself and your choices, a voice within Kai’s head replied: one that was not her own.
That colon you have there should actually be a hyphen
The voice of Kurin was gone.
Since there's a progression of events, a transition would serve you well. Why don't you try: Then the voice of Kurin was gone.
Kai let off a long sigh before leaning down and resting on the neck of her stallion.
Saying that someone 'let off' a long sigh makes this sentence read oddly. Maybe change the verb there?
“Pualani, will you make sure that I don’t fall?” Kai requested, which seemed to jolt her into the land of the living. She gathered her thoughts before nodding her head.
“Of course,” Pualani replied.
Erm... those two lines are just really confusing. Who is jolted into the land of the living? And why is Kai nodding her head? She's the one who asked the question, after all.
Surely, this pace would grow quite unsettling with the progression of the quest. Till then, it was quite relaxing.
The first sentence seems like a thought not narration to me, but it's not italicized. Both just read oddly together and served to confuse me. And if the first sentence is a thought, the second one should be phrased as a thought too. Or if neither of them are thoughts, the first sentence needs to be reworded.
It was all quite soothing when one’s eyes were closed.
Again, this sentence seems to me like it's a thought, because its phrased that way, but it's not italicized, and there's no narration to signify that it is a thought.
Soon, Kai drifted into a light slumber.
She fell asleep on a horse? Unless there's someone else who's keeping her upright and steering the horse, you just can't fall asleep on a horse's back. Not only is it very uncomfortable, it's also dangerous. Almost like falling asleep at the wheel of a car, only that horses can spook, too.
End of nitpicks.
That's all I found, for the most part. One thing you could use more of is description. You have very little of it, and I can't really picture they're surroundings. Your pacing is a bit slow at times especially towards the beginning, but that could just be me, since I haven't read the previous chapters.
Keep persisting, love.
~Aurora
Hey there Ulala!
Of course I had to come back to read some of your story. It's so good that I wanted to know how the beginning of their journey was going to go. And even though it initially started with them having a good start, it looks like they are going to have an enemy along the journey. I can't help suspecting Tara by the way she hates Kai so much. But as well as that I wonder who could possibly want her dead, and yet is not ruthless enough to kill the Argonauts as they tried to protect her as well. Hm, it seems like you have opened a whole new mystery here! I look forward to seeing where you will take this.
I liked the part where Kurin came and talked to Kai. I am assuming that they are talking through the mind and no one else can hear because she is a goddess after all. If this is the case, it might be good to use italics as the goddess's form of speech. This way we can know what she is saying and when, and the distinction just becomes a bit more clear.
I couldn't help wondering how she simply knew that Kurin was gone. Did the atmosphere change so drastically that she could feel that she was all on her own again? Or did Kai start asking questions to Kurin and suddenly realized she had gone, and probably with the woman as well? So, this could be something worth mentioning there.
To make this sentence make sense, wanted should really be wanting.
One thing I keep mentioning that I want to see more of in your story is emotion. I know you can do it! She has just had an arrow through her soldier. What is she going to think? I feel like the thoughts of death, hopeless, it's her last chance to do anything, and who shot that silly bow should all be erupting through her mind at once! And I would like to see those brief moments of confusion and realization she has as well. So make sure all of that emotion which can possibly be put into this chapter really is in there and then the reader will definitely enjoy it more!
I know this was a very short review, but the chapters are only getting better and nearing perfect. There really isn't much more I can say. Let me know when you post the next part!
Deanie x
Thank you so much for all of your wonderful reviews! While it doesn't seem like I do, I'm taking everything you say to heart. I'm trying to take your recommendations as I write, but I'm going to go back and edit everything once I'm finished. So, your suggestions are definitely bookmarked and I'll be editing once I'm finished~
No problem
Let me know whenever you post another chapter!