Published June 21, 2014
The Present
Kai was hovering in the centre of the room, hands strewn to each side. Her eyes were taken by a glow that rivaled heaven's own. Her empty, glowing eyes snapped toward Shun and Tara.
The room was in disarray. Various objects had been flung across the room such as; her heart monitor; her satchel, which was full of her street clothes; vials of various liquids; jars of various solids; and books as well as important looking papers. This observation was only followed by the realization that the nurse whom had been tending to Kai was now spread across the counter, blood spilling from her mouth.
Kai's mouth opened, revealing that the glow spilled from this oraface as well. It was clear that she had been chosen by a god. It wasn't clear to Shun which god it was, until she spoke.
"A child of Yang and a child of Yin
A bridge for spirits, a purger of sins
A world of fire, the future does hold
Skin burns hot, blood runs cold
By three weeks time go to the hill
Make your decision there, you will."
She collapsed on the floor, ceasing to glow. With the way that her mouth gaped, she was a fish out of water. Her eyes looked like glass marbles as she stared off toward Shun's thin ankles. Said person then stooped, falling beside her.
"Kai!" he screamed near her ear. Waving his hand before her eyes, he called her name again. He slapped her cheek. When he got no response, he prepared to perform CPR. He ripped her hospital gown open. Just as his palm heels touched her bare chest, she burst to life.
"Shun!" she finally cried in reply, grasping his wrist. Her fingers squeezed in a death grip. "I was in Haven! With the Goddess Kurin!" Her shoulders were shaking and soon, so was her entire body.
"It's alright. You're here. You're alright," Shun whispered, but he was panicking. His brow was dotted with sweat. His hands were clammy. "What did you see? What was it—"
"So cold," she gasped, hugging herself with her arms. Shun assumed this duty, pulling her close. He glanced around the room, a helpless look in his eyes.
He saw the dead nurse. She was still sprawled on the counter, blood now dribbling down her legs. She was bleeding internally. Kai must have hit her very hard.
Tara was standing in the doorway, frozen. She couldn't move. Her eyes were filled with fear. She was a deer, standing at the barrel of a loaded gun. She was realizing that the hunter at the butt of the gun had already shot and killed another deer. Her legs were locked. Even though the hunter had left, she was still locked in fear.
"Tara," Shun hissed. It wasn't meant to come across so harshly. He was, however, struggling to stay sane as no one else could seem to do so. Inside, he was screaming. "Get it together. Get a nurse. She has a fever." Tara paused for a long time- long enough for Shun to consider repeating his words- before she nodded her head and scurried off.
Kai trembled still, skin painted with chills. It was as if her skin was chilled blue, frostbitten and dying. Her core was a furnace, roaring out of control, in hot, red waves. Pushing away from Shun's hot skin, she took a deep breath. Then, she began to pant and her skin broke into a sweat. She recurlled, pressing her face into his stomach, struggling to quell her chills.
What made matters worse was that she began to speak. Her words were not sane ones: they were ones that belonged only to fever dreams. She screamed insanities and whispered nonsensical sweet nothings that didn't seem to apply to anyone in the vicinity.
She was so burrowed in to this hellish sea of a fever that she didn't notice a nurse entering the room, nor did she notice the nurse and Shun lifting her and bringing her to a bathtub. Her clarity returned to her when she was gently lowered into the frigid ice water, clothing and all.
Kai screamed and thrashed, fearing the worst. However, she quickly found that she was no longer in a fever-mare eyes trained to her friends, she began to tremble more violently than before. There was no comfort in her existence at the moment.
"Get..." her words were lost in shivering. She attempted again, "Get Pualani, and Kenichi." Shun nodded before he turned and hurried off toward the boy's dorm.
Kai and Tara and the nurse were left to themselves. The nurse did naught but make sure that Kai's fever was descending. Tara had recovered from her lacking state. However, her new one wasn't much better.
"How are you feeling, Kai?" There was a detectable level of disbelief in her voice as if she had put up a wall of defense.
"Cold," she replied.
"I understand." Tara looked away for a long time. "You were cold when Shun was hugging you?"
"Yes," Kai hissed, hugging her arms over her chest. Tara seemed to think on this for a long time before she nodded to herself. It was a long time before she spoke.
"So you're the Guide of Kurin?" Tara asked.
"I..." she didn't form an answer for a good minute, even then it was interrupted by chattering teeth. "I g-guess."
"I see..." the other replied, though her answer seemed unfinished. Minutes passed, however her speech was left unfinished with the début of the summoned Pualani and Kenichi.
Pualani hurried over to Kia's side, eyes filled with worry. Kenichi followed, and his eyes surveyed her body for wounds.
"Are you ok?" Kenichi asked.
"What happened to you? Why did they call the alarm?" Pualani asked. Kai didn't answer. She was fast asleep, face pressed into the soaked pillow that floated at the top of the water. Shun answered for her, attempting to explain as well as he could.
"Kai was possessed by the Goddess Kurin. We have no way of telling, but we think that her body was overwhelmed by it and she came down with the fever," he let off a soft sigh before looking toward the peaceful looking girl in the tub. "Pualani, Kenichi, you two were in your own arenas when it happened, but during Kai's match, she nearly drowned Kapena." Pualani's look became slightly sour. "However, instead of winning the match, Kai forfeit and dove to save him. From what the nurses have told me, she began to glow then, the goddess helping her to surface with him." The look given by Pualani softened. "She won by knockout, regardless. The medics took both of them into the hospital, and that's apparently when she acted up. She awoke to unfamiliar faces and exploded, killing the nurse in her attendance. That's why they issued the alert."
"What?" Kenichi cried out, sending a horrified look between Shun and Kai. He only knew Kai as shy and reserved, maybe daring in her subject matter in conversational— but he never could imagine her as a killer, even an unintentional one. "How? Her? Kai? Our Kai? You're sure?" Shun frowned and let off a shaky breath.
"I'm sure. There's no way that she didn't do it. It was an accident, I'm sure..." He trailed off, seemingly unsure of whether or not to mention an additional piece of information. "Don't tell Kai, but the nurse was pregnant. The baby died too." Pualani's lips dropped open and she stared at the sleeping girl in the tub in disbelief. "Don't tell her," he reiterated. The two nodded.
"The Goddess Kurin spoke through her and prophecied."
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140,910 Literary Works • 673,729 Reviews
Thewriter13 here for a review on this lovely Review Day! So I haven't read any of the chapters but I am going to do so because I love this plot!
) not a semi colon. Perhaps that's how you write, but it distracted me from the story because it bothered me (I'm sorry, punctuation really does get on my nerves, argh it really shouldn't! Because this chapter was beautiful). You could even break off each idea into a new sentence.
The whole goddess and god business reminds of Percy Jackson and such, but this story is much more intriguing I think
The characters in the chapter are well written and developed, and I enjoyed reading the relationship between Kai and Shun, and all the other characters.
I have some nitpicks that you might want to consider changing.
"Kai was hovering in the centre of the room, hands strewn to each side." I know it's the very first sentence, but I feel that "hands strewn to each side" seems odd in this sentence. When I read "strewn" I think of things thrown across a place and mangled and tossed carelessly and such, and I can't imagine hands doing that. I appreciate the imagery but I don't think it really fits here. Perhaps picking another kind of imagery would make more sense, because "strewn" doesn't feel like the right word here.
"Various objects had been flung across the room such as; her heart monitor; her satchel, which was full of her street clothes; vials of various liquids; jars of various solids; and books as well as important looking papers." I don't think is the proper use of semi colons. When you try and add a list of things in a sentence, it's better to start of with a colon
So it could be like this: "Various object had been flung across the room: her heart monitor, her satchel that was full of street clothes..." and so on. But that to me also feels like a run-on. So maybe breaking each item into a new sentence would not only add variety of sentence structure, but it won't be a run-on either. If you want to keep it, by all means, do. It's your work!
"It wasn't clear to Shun which god it was, until she spoke." I'm not sure a comma needs to be here, but that could just be me.
"Kai and Tara and the nurse were left to themselves." Like Deanie had said, take out the first "and" and replace it with a comma
I commend you for the use of imagery:
"Tara was standing in the doorway, frozen. She couldn't move. Her eyes were filled with fear. She was a deer, standing at the barrel of a loaded gun. She was realizing that the hunter at the butt of the gun had already shot and killed another deer. She couldn't move. Her legs were locked. Even though the hunter had left, she was still locked in fear."
I suppose the use of repetition here was to make a point, but I don't think you need to repeat "She couldn't move" twice. The reader is able to understand that on the imagery you used alone.
Anyway I am off to read more!
Great work and Keep Writing!
Hey there Ulala!
Here to review the final chapter you have up here posted for the time being. This was interesting, and I can see it sort of coming together now, Paulani and Kenichi coming into this story as well with Shun and Tara. They all terribly care for their friend, which is wonderful, and I could tell how Kai finding out she has killed these two people will hurt her so much. I hope she doesn't find out really. The story is steadily progressing and I think it would be good to see some more development in the present. It's been a tad slow paced but its all coming together now and I think with this prophecy, something will happen soon!
I don't really have much to say here, as usual. These chapters are awesome, and every time I come up with a suggestion, later on in the chapter you mention it or solve the problem. So, this will be short.
I know this is a list, but there is a better way to punctuate this. Like so: Various objects had been flung across the room, such as: her heard monitor, her satchel (and continue, just using commas. It's the more common way of putting lists in things.) Also, this list gets rather long after a while. Do you really need to mention all of these things? At one point you could just say 'and much more'. Otherwise it seems like your listing all the damage she has committed, and if you don't specify too much we can assume she has done more.
I don't know why, but I find the words 'assumed this duty' so unfeeling. It's almost like he had to do it because it was his role and he doesn't really want to. So maybe something else that shows a bit more compassion? For example: he reached for her, pulling her close as if he could warm her and protect her all by himself.
She enters into the fever very quickly, and breaks from it quickly as well. You do mention the fever is a side effect of being reached by Kurin, but maybe also mention that the quick break was also because of Kurin. It must all just be the goddess because I've never heard of people breaking from fevers so fast D:
Shun also doesn't seem to concerned about the words that have been said. Maybe mention as he looks after Kai, that he can't even focus on the message they had been given by the goddess, they just need to focus on taking care of their friend first. That would make sense and emphasise the fact that he cares for her so much. And then when she is resting and the friends arrive he could then mention that he has time to think about it. Hence the last line of the chapter...
One last nitpick! It would be easier to make the first 'and' here a comma. Just works best
This was a great chapter, and I've enjoyed reading more of this story. Post on my wall or something when you post the next bits, and I would love to keep reading. Looking forwards to seeing how this is going to progress, and what Kai will do when she wakes!
Deanie x