Sipping Orange Juice

Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. I would first like to say how I could relate to this poem since I think this poem is about how you hate people, you hear them talking behind your back (maybe talking about you or not).

The nitpicks:

Some people are just so un-kind Maybe change -un-kind to unkind, since there is no need to hyphened the word. (but if it a beat to the poem, then don't delete it; maybe add unfriendly to replace it or something.

One inside my mind from what i read in stanza above it, is that must be a net inside your mind trying to hold back your thoughts/feelings to everyone else (since if you speak, some one would get hurt.)

With no direction in which I can't retreat This stanza also seemed to confuse me too since i'm not sure if you are talking about one known direction or you are talking about all directions which you can't retreat from? That a little confusing maybe try to clear it up.

This poem- like most poems- there are some good things to think about. i think that mostly anyone could agree to this since people in this world are dumbee or really annoying gnats that never leave and want to stay with you. Also how there is some end rhyming going on in some part of this poem (which I do enjoy some good end rhymes)

Farewell,
CapitalMonday

Hello! Team Aqua has come into the dark recesses of Poetry page 24, just to review this work!

First of all, I really like it. I've no idea how this crazy thing came into your mind (because it is crazy) but it's wonderful at the same time.

Or maybe this is all a dream.

Which is just as likely to,

Because I'm in two places at once,

One inside my mind,

One that makes my thoughts bind.

Some people are just so un-kind,

Fuck these people I just want to rewind,

Whirl myself back in time.

Tell myself take a bath in concrete,

Hi there! This is Scarlet here to review your work!
It wasn't so bad, I've read worse. I didn't particularly 'love' it but I didn't hate it either.
Frankly it was a little bland, I wasn't really captivated.

One more thing, What made you write a poem about orange juice?

I'm not saying that in a bad way, I'm only curious.
It's unique that's for sure.

I went over it, there's not really any punctual issues or any grammar mistakes.
So good job!

Now even though I didn't love the poem doesn't mean you should give up.
I'm sure you have better writings than this and I'm sure you do.

The only thing I like about this really, is how the words sound in the poem.
Like the words:

visible
bind
trapped
rewind
rapidly

I liked how those we're used so thumbs up on that!

Sorry for the short review, good job. Keep Writing!


Sincerely, @ScarletDreams14; Member of Salsa Verde

Writer, Artist, Student and Reader

I love this poem. It rhymes which makes it fun. You also included the beginning in the end which is really good and fun. I also like that it doesn't completely make sense and it has no general topic or anything. And I don't know if it was supposed to be funny but the orange juice part I laughed at and when you said "Fuck these people I just want to rewind." Which I totally get sometimes when people just annoy you and you want to go to a time better without annoying people. Or maybe that is not what you meant but that is the message I gathered. Anyways really great writing. I can't wait to see what else you have written.
Keep up the great writing!
-Roxie Rain

I found it interesting to say the least. I can understand it really clearly, people can be really mean at times. However, I don't believe that they're always mean they can't be good as well. Granted that doesn't excuse there actions, but what I'm trying to say is sometimes try and look at both sides of the coin. Anyways I really liked where you wrote "trapped within a net that isn't visible, One inside my mind, One that makes my thoughts bind." It means that sometimes you can't really think clearly when people are being blah. I'm not to much a fan of the 2nd and the 2nd to last line, I feel like it doesn't really flow with the rest of the poem.
Besides that I believe this is a beautiful poem. Keep writing!=^_^=

Hi spacesoldier, Sherri here for a review. First of all, I would really appreciate it if you put an 18+ for language mark on your piece; you use the f-bomb so suddenly, and without warning; it isn't good for this to be unmarked, since people of all ages use this site. Thanks!
Anyways, on to the review. The idea is interesting, if a little confusing for me. I like the line "Tell myself take a bath in concrete". With the same line in mind, I suggest you change it to "Tell myself: take a bath in concrete" or "Tell myself to take a bath in concrete", since your original line is kind of hard to read and stops the flow.
I also noticed that you rhyme sporadically; I don't know if you did this intentionally, but for me, it broke up the flow of the poem and made the lines that did not rhyme seem slightly blocky, since your mind (if you're reading it mentally) gets used to the rhyming words and expects it in the next lines. It's up to you whether or not you change it; it is your piece!
Minor errors aside, you did a great job with the poem. Like I said before, the idea is intriguing, and your visualization is great. Well done! I look forward to seeing your future works.

Hello there, Racket here to review this confusing poem! I really enjoyed the idea of this poem. It is confusing in a poetic way that I love. I love it when people write just what is on their minds, even if it does not make sense.
Before I start critiquing, I would like you to know that I enjoyed your poem very much. Sometimes I sound as if I hate the literature I just read because I critique so hard. I did enjoy your poem, so no hard feelings when you finish reading this review.
Critiquing time! The first thing that really stood out to me was there was no clear rhyme pattern. The structure of a peom must be sound with a complete rhyme scheme if you are going to rhyme at all. I have made the mistake of having no rhyme scheme before, and it really makes you frown upon your work later on, so it would be best if you fixed the problem early on, don't you think? If I have not made myself clear, I mean you should find some clear rhyme pattern, like every other line rhymed with the third in a stanza or something. There is a spot in the middle of your poem where you just start randomly rhyming that takes the reader by surprise.
This brings me to the second common mistake I found in your poem. There are no stanzas. Stanzas would make the poem more fluid and easier to read without all your thoughts mashing into one particular phrase. Stanzas also make it easier on the eyes of the reader. If you didn't add stanzas do to problems with the publishing thing on YWS, put periods where the stanza spaces would be and then color them white so they become invisible.
Well, now I must leave you with this, but surely other reviews will leave you with much more good advise for correcting mistakes and future advise. Thanks for your work, it was wonderful.
Your faithful reviewer and friend,
-Racket

Hello! Rurouni here to review from Rugido Sol!


This is.. Nice! Its a bit... Not random, but it goes everywhere.

I do like how its a bit all over the place. Mostly because I personally write like that...

I do have some nitpicks however.

You use punctuation at the end of your sentences, but never in them. I'd suggest either using no punctuation at all, or putting it in where it needs to go. (For example; Well, more like pacing rapidly.)

It does go all over the place, sort of. I'd suggest stringing it together more, because I honestly am having a hard time stringing everything together...
Also, you don't have to capitalize every single line. It took me a long time to learn that, and you have sentences that are multiple lines. That's your choice though.

I don't have much else to nitpick at... I did like this.

Well, I must wander off!

Always,

-Shad

Hey, yo, Spacesoldier! Strange here on this fantastic Review Day and I have a spiffy review for you!
Wow, I've read one of your pieces before. That piece was about some psycho killer who does crack or has Schizophrenia, and that was intentional humor. Dig deep into this poem, and you'll find a message we all can relate to. Sometimes, we just don't want to be there. We want to relax. You told this in more of a conventional matter, that made me smile and laugh. Was this clever? Ah, I've seen poems around the similar themes, but this is creative in that matter. You hand it out in a clean punch. There is no certain formality laid into this poem, but it helped itself out enough to make it a pretty good poem.
This reminds me of a song by Streetlight Manifest, because of the song's horn section. It's relaxing (and fantastic.) A great thing about poems in general, is that some can take you to another section of your mind. Whether if the poem is juvenile or formal, if it can do that, it's a good poem. This is handed like a juvenile, because of the whole "rebellious" stage. But, it's funny, and relaxing. Who cares if it's like a juvenile? This was a good poem, yet again. Good luck on all your future endeavors.
Also, please put this a 18+ rating for the use of the f-word.
Overall, good job.
Strange gives you..
7.8/10
Good job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy, my friend.

#TheFaultInOurReviews

Hello, rhia here to review!

I'm going to focus on the nitpicks that I notice as I read first.

Which is just as likely to,

Some people are just so un-kind,

Hi, J.C. here for a review!

First off, I must say that I have absolutely no idea what the point of this poem is. I don't mean that in a bad way, but seriously, I'm clueless. Usually a poem has a message, or is just funny and quirky. This one, though, throws me for a bit of a loop.

Or walking up and down the street,

With no direction in which I can retreat.

Trapped within a net that isn't visible,

One inside my mind,

One that makes my thoughts bind.

Trapped within a net that isn't visible,

One inside my mind,

One that makes my thoughts bind.

Fuck these people I just want to rewind,