The wind blows as the soul sinks slowly vanishing into nothing. The people hope, wonder and, pray. They say what will happen when we're gone? What will become of our loved ones? Though all they do is wonder as the soul sinks, slowly slipping away, now almost gone forever. They pray to their god saying "may their spirit be blessed with entry to heaven" but they do nothing. Only weeping and sobbing is that helpful...no the answer is obviously no. Why do they just assume that if someone dies they will go to some perfect magical city of gold? As the soul sinks slowly being lowered into the ground only sad thoughts will run through your head...because now they are dead but, yet life goes on how is that fair to those who are gone?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hey space soldier!
)
Okay, so yes your poem was nice. I liked your whole concept and idea behind it and value this poem! This poem was touching and I can say I enjoyed reading this very much! You should keep writing and I bet you would grow into an amazing writer (not that you ain't right now
Okay when I first say this piece, the first thing to come in my mind was 'formatting! The piece lacks in formatting which is to be done in whatever thing you write! Here's the corrected version!
"The wind blows as the soul sinks slowly vanishing into nothing.
The people hope, wonder and, pray.
They say what will happen when we're gone?
What will become of our loved ones?
Though all they do is wonder as the soul sinks,
slowly slipping away, now almost gone forever.
They pray to their god saying
"may their spirit be blessed with entry to heaven" but they do nothing.
Only weeping and sobbing is that helpful...
no the answer is obviously no.
Why do they just assume that if someone dies
they will go to some perfect magical city of gold?
As the soul sinks slowly being lowered into the ground
only sad thoughts will run through your head...
because now they are dead but, yet life goes on
how is that fair to those who are gone?"
See this way it looks better right? Well this is just a suggestion, if you don't like it then it's completely fine! The thing with poems is that they have a particular way of representing, they can be represented in stanzas of 3 or 4 or 5 doesn't really matter but they should be in stanzas or else we will not consider it as poetry but a short paragraph!
Well that's all for now! Have a god day!
Umaima
Knight Dragon, here to review on this wonderful Review Day!
Technical first:
Well, the biggest thing that sticks out is that there are no lines in this poem. I understand you may have done this off the top of your head, but once you were done you could have gone back and broken it up however you wished. Otherwise it just looks like a paragraph, and the flow is really difficult to pick up on.
"The people hope, wonder and, pray.", your comma should be after "wonder", but if you want one after "and" too, that's fine. Just make sure you put one after "wonder" if you're going to leave on after "and".
"no the answer is obviously no." Punctuate here. This should be "no, the answer is obviously no." without that comma it just flings the "no" into the following thought and breaks reading flow.
"As the soul sinks slowly being lowered into the ground only sad thoughts will run through your head", two things. First, punctuation. Make this "As the soul sinks slowly, being lowered into the ground, only sad thoughts will run through your head". And also, the first use of "you" (and the only) is rather abrupt and out of place. You could have said "run through their heads" and been perfectly fine.
Hope this helps! Happy Review Day!
HI! I'm gonna review this okay?
So I think this is missing a comma. Depending on what you wanted the line to sound like it should either be after "sinks" or after "slowly."
I almost think this would be more dramatic if you took out the "and." But if you wanted to leave it in, then the comma should go after "wonder" instead.
I know it seems like I'm nitpicking every line, but the writing is good, it's just the grammar, punctuation stuff I'm pointing out so I hope you don't mind. This line should be: "They say, "What will happen..." And those quotations are closed after "loved ones" in the next sentence.
This sentence sounds just a bit weird starting with "Though." I think you can just drop it and it will be good.
"But" and "yet" mean pretty much the same thing so it's redundant to use both.
I like this piece. I agree that the format isn't great in one long paragraph like that, but it is definitely written like poetry and not prose. It's deep and thought provoking so that was great. It's so true that life goes and leaves everything we're supposed to care about forever behind. Why do souls fade when they aren't right in front of us anymore? Great job, those punctuation tips I gave you were minor, the writing is good and the questions are place in good spots. Sometimes I feel like writers pose unnecessary questions to readers, but all these questions have a clear point. Keep it up!
Hey SpaceSoldier. Nice Name!
Is this really poetry? I mean It looks like a paragraph. Try dividing the stanza's to make it look better. Cause by looking at it It does not seem to look like a poem in the first place. A nice title and a nice theme to work on. You have great ideas and great thoughts. Work on the poem and It will be an amazing piece. I guarantee.
------------------------------
RBT_00
Hi there,spacesoldier.Have a good day,so I have a time to review on your poem that is really have such a deep meaning here,for sure
#The wind blows as the soul sinks slowly vanishing into nothing.-->Look at this line.It seems less convinced by the use of words that is not clear.The word 'nothing' here actually ruined the first line.It is better if you can define it with something with concrete sentence here,instead of nothing.
The others is just perfect to me.That was true ,when you lost someone that you loved,what you can do is just weeping and sobbing:
#They pray to their god saying "may their spirit be blessed with entry to heaven" but they do nothing. Only weeping and sobbing is that helpful...no the answer is obviously no. Why do they just assume that if someone dies they will go to some perfect magical city of gold? -->This is very special ways to relieves pain when you lost them.
You actually have a good poem here with the ideas come from your own thoughts.
Kudos,cheers
~Dark