You were like a life support,
Your words were my respirators,
But I can breathe on my own.
I don't need you anymore,
I don't know why it took so long,
For me to admit it to myself.
Look at me now,
I'm breathing on my own!
I can live without you,
I don't need you bringing me down.
I cursed my own reflection,
I dyed my hair countless times,
I even thought about color contacts.
But I'm not the one that needs to change,
I can see that it was always you.
I don't need to stay up all night talking to you,
Or cry myself to sleep because of the things you said.
I don't need to help you get her back,
I don't need to help you at all.
I need to help myself,
Because your poisoning me.
You were my life support,
Your words were my respirators,
They kept me from breathing.
They kept me lying there,
Waiting for the next time you'd visit,
Pleading for the medication.
Can't you see me now?
I'm standing once again,
I can live without you,
I'm breathing on my own.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,804 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
I really liked the medical metaphor to show how people can hook themselves onto "life support", hoping for a loved one. I particularly liked: "I cursed my own reflection, / I dyed my hair countless times, / I even thought about color contacts." It sounds so raw, honest and caustic and something many people can relate to - changing your personality or appearance to fit someone's or society's ideal.
What I'd suggest is turning the first line into a metaphor instead of a simile to make it even more powerful, so "You were my life support". I notice you actually have written this later in the poem and it seems more powerful to me. Also: "you're poisoning me" instead of "your poisoning me".
Overall I found this an empowering poem. Well done
Thank you very much ^.^
Okay I think this poem goes about that we can live on our own, we don't need help and we don't need other people...
I understand your point but sometimes it feels fine that someone's waiting for you and that you can count on someone if you're a sad or need some help. We all think that we can do things on our own, but we don't know that our loved ones always helps us through, even if we don't see it.
We are not alone, there are a lot people that we can take by the hand. Our family, friends and sometimes the people in Heaven. We don't always see them, or feel them, but they are close to us if we need some help, you just have to believe.....
Now I go to your poem, it was really beautiful and deep, it was a pleasant read and it was for me a special poem. Cause I like to be alone, you have written a beautiful piece here...
keep up this good work,
Dazzle
Thanks I'm glad you liked it
Wow, that was really powerful and I could definitely feel the emotion of this person.
There is nothing really I could find wrong with this. It's so beautifully told through the point of view from the person.
I could easily imagine everything being told, as if I were watching it. The amount of things that person wouldn't to do to themselves shows how powerful this is. It's realistic, yet it tells a tale. It's just... I'm speechless. All the punctuation seems to be in the right place.
It's flawless. No, I'm not crazy. It's just amazing!!
Keep on writing! Please.
^.^ this is my second attempt at coming back to writing so thanks a lot! I will keep writing!