Young Writers Society

oh.. i like it.
i liked your perspective in many lines.
my favorite lines are
"The Ocean a vast expanse of unknown secrets and creatures far beyond our reach. The depth of the ocean is beyond my knowledge, but I'm sure its' endless."

"Now I want you to think about what all of us have already done. Haven't we done enough. When will we stop this madness. Thank you all for reading this. I want you to think about what you have just read. Try to find it in your heart to take what you've read into consideration."


Blood shed follows every battle. People die every day. I wish I could go to the hidden world in the ocean. I would be safe from this dark world falling into dispair. At least it would be safe there from our sick twisted ways.


best of luck for your future works


thank you.

I really like this piece. The tone is very harsh, which in my opinion goes with the message you are trying to put out there. But the word choice is very repetitive and it got a bit bland at times. Try mixing new words and using stronger ones to get your point across. I am in totally agreement with you but make your goal to persuade the reader. Make the reader FEEL what you are feeling. You have some little errors here and there, capitalization and commas/periods but other than that, AWESOME.

Truth is, i really like it and it has a lot of message within it all. You just need a bit of help with a few punctuations and also some few choice words. Some placed would have needed some capitalization. Another big problem was the harshness of it all. From the way it sounds, the reader though might take the object of violence upon him or herself. So, if you could tone out the harshness a bit. But anyway, it's a good piece.

This is a intresting piece. There are parts I like, but there are also parts that I don't. I am intruiged by the idea's you have and your observations of the world. So I thought why not review it. I am not going to go into grammar because I don't feel it needs it.

What I liked:

1. Your tone. It made me think, which is what I think you intended. It is well thought out.

2. The idea about the ocean. Not much to commment on it other than I think that it fit well.

What I didn't like.

1. The repatition. I felt it was out of place. You state it once, then again in the next sentence, then the next. Then a new idea that is relative to the first. If you grind the idea too much it becomes too small to actually mean something.

2. You talk about the ocean and then never really go back to it at the end. You kinda of leave it half way though when you make a point of saying how much you want to go there.

3. There isn't any imagery. I think that you would have more luck getting your ideas across if we could see what you see through your words. Just a thought

Overall: I would give it a 5 out of 10. Needs quite a bit of work before its done, but the idea is well said. I think that those who read it will definatly have something to think about. I know I will.