the sun was darkened on this day, the cold chill of night was fast approaching and it was dead silent, i layed on my bed waiting for some noise, the silence was terrifying, i started to hum but even that i could not hear, the entire world was silent as though everything and everyone was dead it was strange and i enjoyed the silent world but only for a moment and then a huge sound startled me and i leaped from my bed and ran outside, i looked up at the sky and saw a creature with a massive head, its roar was unimaginably loud, it made my ears start to bleed as the creature was roaring and it never stopped i stared at the creature as blood began to fall in drops from the sky and the creature fell onto the ground infront of me, it appeared to be bound in chains and it begged me to free it from captivity but i refused to because i knew this creature this sin was hells spawn and its tricks could not fool me as it promised me the world and yet still i wouldn't free it because i knew the world and its insanity didn't need more cruelty though part of me was yelling at me to free the creature from the binding chains i longed to free it but i couldn't unleash this creature born of madness into the world not again...it begged me once again to free it saying if i would only set it free then it would give the world to me but i once again refused its offer as slowly my hands reached toward the chains and i unknowingly releashed this creature into the world twisting myself into a cruel and insane thing that had lost all its humanity betraying the world around me and i gladly followed the creature to the end of the world blinded by desire i was a fool as were others that followed us as we cut down many people in our way and eventually we lept from the world and into hell where for eternity i would live as not even love could awaken me from my insanity...
hello there! Spark here for a quick review.
So the first thing that I saw, was the format. You need stanzas. Badly. Because even though the stuff written there is pretty good, it's all mixed up and crowded together because there isn't proper formatting. I came to review it all excited, and I honestly had to force myself to finish it--not because the writing is bad, because it's not, but because there are no stanzas, and it's this big mush of thoughts connected by zero capitalization. Now, this might merely be a stylistic choice, which is okay! But if it is, all the other parts of your poem has to be superb or the whole poem is going to suffer from it as a result.
Now, the story is okay, I suppose. It's a little hard to read, like I said before, and it's a little cliche. You have a few convention mistakes, as well. Remember to spell check and grammar check before posting, dear! And like Gee said, work on your capitalization!
Love,
Spark
'Fooled by desire' has caught my eye. The message that you wanted your readers to understand is successfully received.But tagging this under poetry is not apt. You should work in your punctuations, that would really help you a lot in becoming a successful story writer.Your thought of falling for stupid desires is said in a new and in adventurous manner. Good luck. keep up your good work.
Hi there, spacesoldier.
You'll see that you'll love your writing more if you follow me (o.o Not literally. Just metaphorically). Hahah.
I'm GeeLyria and I will be reviewing for you today.
It's funny, you actually have potential. Your writing sounds pretty nice and catchy, but when you look at it... it can be quite head-tilting. I'm going to give you a quick review here, but take what I say really seriously, mkay? Hahah. It's simple stuff, but it's immensely helpful.
First of all, every sentence should start with a capital letter and end with a period. Your punctuation is decent, and I'm grateful for that~ however, your piece lacks capitalization and that makes your piece lack professionalism. Why is professionalism important? Well. The more professional you are, the more seriously they will take you and your writing. And you want to be heard, don't you? You do, yes. And I want you to be heard because you actually have something to say.
Second, and listen closely, all I's should be capitalized when you use them as pronouns; that is what is grammatically correct. Another thing that I would like to suggest to you, even though this is pretty short, is for you to make paragraphs! Paragraphs are like windows~ let the air in! Give the reader a second to stop and wonder.
And that's all I've got to say. Keep writing, aye?
~GeeLyria
I appreciate all your feed back thank you and yes I noticed I have a problem with not capitalizing words sorry about that I'm going to try and do something about that...
Hi spacesoldier and welcome to YWS! I'll be honest with you, I want to review this because 1) It is Review Day and this is in the Green Room and 2) I noticed you "liked" some of my works (thank you), but at the moment, it's very difficult to read.
I'm not convinced this is supposed to be a poem. Did you mean to post this in Poetry? It sounds like the beginning of the story. I don't think you can change its classification at this point, but perhaps you can edit and put a note at the top?
Paragraphs and sentences are your friends. Nobody likes reading big blocks of text on a computer screen. Smaller paragraphs and spaces (not indents) make reading easier. There's also no periods, but there's no way all that is one sentence. Ellipses are not a substitute for periods and should be used sparingly. Also there are no capital letters. Proper grammar is pretty important if you want your work taken seriously here or anywhere really.
From what I can understand, the premise is the MC sees a mysterious creature who begs to be free. The MC refuses because he knows this is a spawn of Hell, but is hypnotized into freeing him and following him around the world and doing bad things. That could be a good premise if you develop it. Who/what was the MC before? How did he know what the creature was? What exactly happens after it is freed?
Overall, if you re-format this and develop it, it could be something really interesting. Welcome again and keep writing!
the person in the story is me and yes I accidently put it under poetry...its not finished yet but my sister was bothering me to wrap it up so...anyways I knew what the creature was in the story because it's appearance is that of the creature described in the bible and what happens after the creature is freed is the creature rampages around the world smashing everything taking the lives of innocent's and destroying the world much like the war that's supposed to be coming the seven year battle described in the bible until eventually the creature leads me and the others following it into the fiery depths of hell where we will be trapped for eternity