Words of secret meanings

I late the title and was drawn into what those words might have been. I found it interesting when I read the poem and found the feeling of those words and what they did to you.

In my opinion though the pattern broke off once or twice within it.

But in general I really like this poem. It was interesting and drew me in which is always a good skill to have in writing. I always try to use that with the bios and titles for my poems and stories in general. Good job

Well, it is good piece but I think that the rhythm broke when you changed the rhyming scheme from the word " Cloud" to " Hot".
But still it is a good poem.

Really cool, I think this goes about missing someone that means a lot to us, you have that really good written in this poem, I like the last line cause it was so strong.

''Another forgotten thought'' really well penned here and it was also really good that it rhymes, rhyming poems are my favorite ones, you brought this with a really nice flow and thoughts.

I can read this poem over and over again, this was just an awesome master piece from you, I go follow you now cause you are worth it!!!


Greetings; Dazzle

Well hello there.

It's nice to see you've taken up writing as a hobby. When you're just starting out and think of it as a sort of hobby, it becomes easy to fall in love with it. Soon it becomes a bit more serious of a hobby, like something you absolutely need to do. You get more serious about it and grow much better at it. Basically I just wanted to say it's okay if you don't feel you're as good at it starting out. You'll pick up pretty quickly I'm sure. ;] And it's great you joined the site so that us older writers can help you out along the way. I'll start by lending you a hand here with what you've written in this piece.

One thing I want to stress is it's important to have the tense of your work organized neatly in one fashion. If it's present tense, keep things present tense, if it's past tense or future tense, be sure to write only in the way that best suits that fashion. I noticed you had a tendency to jumble up the tensing of your words quite dramatically, and it became very distracting as I went along reading. It made me wonder if English perhaps isn't your first language? Or the only language you know? I knew a girl on here whose writing was really very beautiful, but she had the same problem with sorting out the tense of her words, and English wasn't her first language. It's something you must grow properly accustomed to and familiar with if you want your writing to come out smoothly and with excellent flow. An example of what I mean here:

I was convinced he really do did loves love me, so I walked to my way home from their his house.


I crossed out the words that were off-tense, and replaced them with what should have made this a much clearer sentence. Also, you say their house. Wouldn't it be his house? Seeing as you're only speaking of the one person, this boy that this girl loves?

Something I didn't so much like about this was the apparent lack of creativity in the scene. I understand that you were indeed striving for a sort of love story here, and those types of stories do tend to ring on the more popular side in young writers, but I didn't see much life in your writing. You were simple describing an obvious thing, that this girl loved a boy who thought of her as simply another notch on his belt. There are so many different endless ways you could have gone about describing this! There was really no need to be so simple. If you have an idea, run with it in the most creative way possible.

Almost always describe scenes in the most vivid way possible. This was another big thing I wanted to shed some light on. When I read this there wasn't much motivation for feelings. It was all rather dry and spoken rather than felt. When writing feelings you must show motivation for those feelings. In this piece you just went for the obvious angle. You wanted this girl to be heart broken, so you had her overhear her boyfriend telling a friend that his intention was to break her heart. Why did he want to break her heart? Where was his motivation and logic for this to be something he wanted when this girl treated him so right? (At least from what you say.) It doesn't make sense. What makes even less sense is the fact that this character you have telling the story can still love this person. You never explain why. You never give any reason for these feeling. There should be some sort of logic coming from this story for the reader to be able to properly understand where the character is coming from. You can't always write things in plain as you have here. It just doesn't work.

You had quite a lot going on here as far as grammatical errors and punctuational mistakes. Normally I wouldn't mind pointing such things out for whomever so that they may correct these mistakes and therefore cleanup their writing prior to further editing, but there was simply too much to weed through here and I wasn't aiming to have my entire review be based off cleaning up your general errors and such. If you'd like, I can gladly help you out with this though. But for the most part, I think it might help if you attempted to run back through this with a fine-tooth comb and sift out all the little mistakes yourself first. If you have any trouble at all with this, feel free to ask for some help. I'd be quite willing to lend a hand. :]

That all said though, I definitely think this could use some work. In general, you might want to think about injecting some more personality and some originality into your work before getting too serious on keeping this whole climax as the center of your story. It shouldn't be too hard to really come up with a suitable enough structure to this idea. You seem to already have the motivation for what you want your story to be. Now just channel it, and come up with something especially intriguing! :]

I hope I didn't come off sounding too harsh. Really, my only intention ever is to help where I can. If you have any questions concerning my review, feel free to shoot a PM my way!