a car parked in our tiny town and out of it stepped a strangely dressed man he dressed in all black and his face was hidden by the shadowy brim of his hat i walked past him quickly and he began to follow me i went home and locked the door and i sat on the couch then he walked up to the window and stared at me a few moments later he disappeared and i heard a knock at the door i opened the door to see him and i invited him inside as he stepped inside all the lights flickered and then it suddenly became freezing cold he quietly shut all the curtains and sat on the couch next to me then he turned and politely took off his hat his face was handsome and his eyes looked so kind as he reached out his hand and touched my cheek his hand was so cold but i didn't mind and he said it truely is a shame then he apologized and he leaned forward and as his cheeks turned red he placed upon my lips a kiss of death as my first kiss had become my last and i turned cold he closed my eyes and he walked out the door only looking back once with a painful look on his face and he got in the car and left concluding his mysterious arrival
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Hey SpaceSoldier, Black here for a review!
I can see that you're pretty new to the whole writing thing, so welcome! But, I must warn you! I'm going to be pretty critical here, don't take it personally! I'm just trying to help. Sit down, take my suggestions and I promise you will improve!
Well, I'll try to be nice!
So first off, wow. You use actually NO punctuation at all. By none I mean so little that with spelling as good as yours I could mistake the lack of punctuation for a formatting error (I would too, probably, if your sentences weren't so badly structured and run-on). Your weak spots: Grammar, punctuation, plot, and pacing (I'll just take on these for this review). Your strong areas: Spelling, idea, inspiration, and POV.
So, I'm going to try to work through each of your weak points with you. Show you how they're weak. And then try to help you fix them. Sound okay? Well here goes!
I'm going to start off with your Grammar and Punctuation :
Your problem here is, I am afraid to say, rather massive. I want you to step back and look at this here:
If but for one spelling mistake, this would be one hundred percent grammatically incorrect. Minus spelling of course, of which yours is perfect. Read it. You have to read it, end to end, totally run on. You don't put in enough details. Your plot is a mess . . .
Well, first off I'm going to step forward and address the general problem more exactly: Let's look at a few examples. I'll show you your general problem, how to use punctuation, and then leave it to you to fix your style by yourself!
Examples:
For your Information deficiency: Look, your readers want to be able to sit down with your story, read it, and 'feel' the emotions as they read. They want to feel happy when your character feels happy. Or sad when she feels sad. You have to use a more direct style. If I want to feel for your character then I have to be able to hear what she says, think what she thinks, and watch what she does. Otherwise I feel nothing. What you write here would cover, for me, something along the lines of 3,000 words of my story. Maybe more. You cover it in less than 50.
You need to put in more information. What was she doing before this man's arrival? Who is she? What's her name? Where does she live? What does she do? How old is she? There are a thousand questions you have to answer. Here, I'll show you maybe the first paragraph of this story, re-written in my personal style.
It's not very good, but it's better. I'm hoping you see my point.
For your Punctuation: Okay, so ignore what I did. I didn't replace your work! Remember, you have to use your own style, don't try to copy what I'm doing. Make something new yourself! Now, for your punctuation mistakes. Look, it's good to say your story out loud as you write it. If you want a quick pause in your story you use a comma, if you want to use a full pause you use a period. If you want to quote someone you use .”Quote”. Let me re-write your little piece using fairly proper punctuation.
Now this isn't much better. I'm just trying to show you how to use punctuation right now. You need to work on your information more! Then your story will really start to sound better. But anyway! Good luck here! I hope you get what I mean.
For your grammar: Whenever you start a new sentences or paragraph you always capitalize the first letter, thus that 'a' should be big. Also, the word 'I' is always capitalized. Remember here, you can't replace comma's with 'ands'! Now really there isn't too much I can say right now. Once you've gone and written your story with more detail and punctuation, then come and let me know. Then I can give you a review focusing on things more like grammar! But for now that'll have to do.
You only have one spelling mistake, and that's ' truely', which you spell 'truly'. Otherwise, exquisite spelling. Applause here!
Anyway, I must go now, but good luck here! Remember to keep up that spelling and work on your detail and punctuation! I'll get back to you! Remember, most importantly, to keep writing – Guaranteed improvement.
~Black~
Hello there, spacesolider.
Whoa there, sweetheart, you've got absolutely no punctuation here. No problem, really, as I see that another has already pointed that out to you. I'm here, however, to actually show you where certain punctuation, capitalization, and other grammatical devices belong. No worries, we'll work through this together.
Corrections
Well, that was a workout. I'm going to tell you right now, this little story has a lot of potential. Honestly, it has a seriously interesting plot line. Your biggest problem here is that there's not really any filling to this story. It's all bones here. I'm going to refer to you the same website I gave to a different writer with your same problem. If you showed the reader what was happening instead of telling them, not only would the length of this increase by a lot, you will also hold the attention and curiosity of your reader better.
This still needs a lot of development. Your characters are a bit flat, not very finished yet, if you understand what I mean by that.
Like I said, this has a lot of potential, you just need to flesh it out a bit.
-RP
Hi!
Happy Review day!!
Firstly this was a very strange story to read. I voice all the things Dutifulwriter has pointed out.
Did you miss out on the punctuations on purpose? If you were trying to make it more mysterious this method doesn't seem to work because the reader has to spend time on comprehending the lines by mentally trying to fit in punctuations.
Also it is too short for a short story.
I really do not understand who she/he let in a complete stranger into the house, especially one who was following her and she/he was trying to avoid him.
We all have learned "do not open the door to strangers"
The the end I wondered if the Mystery Man was Death. But I'm really not sure and I like it that I'm not sure because it shows how well you have left your readers hanging.
- manisha
he was indeed death...and it was only polite for her the invite him inside...I'm sorry that it has no punctuation or periods I'm not good at correcting myself but I shall try to work on that and sorry if it was a bit weird at times and I'm still not sure whether to add on to it or not should I?
Right from the start it is good but you really need to capitalize and add punctuation,I mean this whole story it really just a really really long run-on. It is a good piece all for the need with capitalization and punctuation,also you seem to like detail a lot. use less in some place and in others use more.You should also try other sentence structures every once and a while. Hope this helps some.
it does and thank you for reading it I'm sorry for the lack of punctuation and the lack of capitalization I had to write it quickly and I had to type it in even faster so I didn't have time so yet again thank you
Heyy!!
Now, I'm only guessing here, but am I right in thinking that this mysterious guy tool away the protagonist's soul? Anyways, good idea 
Sorry if it sounded a bit harsh 
Hmm, how to go about this story? First off I have to tell you, this is quite a story you've got there. Its different, really different.
I liked it, but at the same time was confused a bit. Just a bit. The concept is different, not quite like the ones I've read in here
Now I have a little confusion here. The protagonist(I have no idea if it is a he or a she) saw this mysterious guy and was obviously spooked out by him. Then why did she(I'm guessing its a she) open the door to him? That is a bit confusing. You should have explained that more.
And what happened after that was also confusing.
He comes and sits on the couch next to her and then bam he kisses her! What? It was a bit confusing. Why would she allow him to kiss her in the first place? Right, that was the only confusing
Okay, coming to the grammatical errors.
I think you already know the problem, right?
Punctuation.
There seems to be a lack of punctuation throughout the text. It makes it quite annoying for the reader to go through the text without any commas or periods.
And then there are a few problems with the sentences:
You see the problem? There are too many 'and's
Actually, there are plenty of them throughout the text. You should try using commas instead
Alrighty then.
That concludes my review
keep writing! Hoping to see more of your work!
yeah I know I'm really bad when it comes to putting ands oh and adding punctuation sorry and I know its a bit confusing but its because its only polite to invite someone inside if they knock on your door oh and the girl in the story is sort of spaced out so she doesn't realize he's leaning in to kiss her until it actually happens