A busy street with no one on it,
I travel such each day.
A neighborhood with no neighbors,
All company lead astray.
I see them walking, still, at night,
My hand, through them, will pass.
My delusions seem to fill my eyes
Though my heart will feel it last.
.
I go outside to greet these friends,
I see them young and old.
Some come in and sit with me,
Those are the friends I hold.
But when events surpass and time decays,
Slowly, my friends disappear.
Gone to do what they all do
And I, to shed a tear.
.
For really, they all spoke,
Though none to speak to me.
None to bother nor harass,
In the end, I'm free!
But free, indeed, I still have hope
Of reality in my mind.
Heart of stone, my love chilled cold,
I ponder not what I'll find.
.
It is then that I go out
In search of solid flesh.
My quest at this reveals a truth,
There really is none left.
My make-believe world betrays my heart
But fools my eyes instead.
Thinking how reality is lost,
It fills me with such dread.
.
So through the darkness, I go on
In search of what is not.
Every chance that I offer
Is dodged but never caught.
"I have no time," says one man,
Believing it at best.
As he leaves, my hand extends,
It goes right through his chest.
.
The chase for man come to crash,
My effort is on the fritz.
Understandably, I head home,
I've taken too many hits.
All around me, they still go,
Though none to stop and care.
I lay my body in the street,
I cannot make it there.
.
Night approaches my heart,
Cracking it too much.
Who's to tell if I will die,
No one bothers with such.
Walking by as time goes on,
Feeling themselves as blessed.
At least they're not my poor soul,
Soon to be put to rest.
.
"Are you okay?"I hear above,
Shocked in every way.
"You just fell, you don't look well.
You need help, I'd say."
"But who can help a lass like me?"
I ask to me delusion.
"You can't help or even stay,
You're simply an illusion."
.
But then I feel a hand on mine,
Solid flesh and bone.
I open my eyes to see the truth
And suddenly I'm home!
Concrete people, young and old
Helping my home be real.
Illusions known, now made flesh,
The feeling is unreal!
.
I run outside to test my fate,
I still see them roam.
I reach a hand out to a man,
His hand embraces my own.
The illusions who, then, ran my life
Now are simply gone.
Never shall I be alone,
I now have support to hold on.
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140,706 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
Hello,
Thanks for posting this! I really admire anyone who writes poetry. It's always been difficult for me personally, but when it's good, it's really good, and reading it always gives me inspiration to challenge myself. Pen already gave you a really good review, and I would definitely listen to her but I'll try not to repeat too much of what she said!
While I really like the theme of this poem, you should keep in mind that it can be overdone. There's something about creative types in general that makes us a little bit more reserved than most folk, which is why you see a lot of stories, poems, songs, paintings, movies, etc that deal with loneliness and isolation.
Now, I don't know know a lot of poems off the top of my head, but I can recommend two songs that deal with loneliness very effectively here and here. Definitely listen to them and then look up the lyrics, and see what they effectively. They both add a level of characterization to their narrators, and that makes them memorable.
I also think the rhyme doesn't work to your advantage and in certain lines it feels forced, so definitely feel what this could be like without it!
Good luck! Let me know if you have questions!
Best,
Elinor
Hey Joalover,
I like what you've written here and I'm so glad you decided to post this. Poetry is often hard to write, so I'm always excited when members decide to give it a real go.
I want to point out first that you don't actually need to capitalise the first letter of all of your lines for the poem. I know a lot of books do it, and a lot of poems you see here do it as well, but that's often a publisher's decision rather than a poet's. You can, of course, keep it that way if you like! Aesthetics are important as well as content.
Secondly, I want to question your use of rhyme. It's not poorly done here, you've got a good handle of rhythm and syllables so none of your lines seem too long or too much of a mouthful, so you're working well in that regard. To be truthful, I'm not a fan of rhyme at the best of times, I think it gives your poem a childish air that goes against the strong tone and voice you have running through it. I'd consider working to remove the rhyme and increase the gravitas of your poem.
Thirdly I'd suggest working on including more imagery rather than telling. A favourite phrase used on the YWS and elsewhere is "show don't tell" which is to say that we'd rather imagine what your intent is and connect those dots ourselves rather than being told outright. That doesn't work all of the time but it might be a good idea to consider an extended metaphor which may fit the theme and the message of your poem.
In the end I think you've done well with this poem! Consider what I've said, but if you make no changes it won't drastically damage the poem.
Thanks for posting,
- Penguin.