There’s a place I know, I call it home.
I eat there, sleep there, I’m never alone.
In this place, my ears ring joyously,
As nothing that roams there can do so noiselessly.
Snares shrill confident and pipes blow loud,
There’s nowhere else you can hear such a sound!
This place took me in when no one else would
And taught me things that no one else could.
It taught me to aspire, no matter the age
And that a kid is a kid, despite all their birthdays
When a hunched-over old man can still play with heart
And especially when all the adults still laugh when they fart.
It taught me that change is important; it can never not be done.
It is never too late and impossible to no one,
Like when doubt is over-bearing for ten months of twelve,
Two weeks can improve, and on that you can dwell.
Also, to change, change has to come.
To be a new you, you can’t be the only one!
The presence of others is what shapes who you are.
Being a part of something bigger than I- I’ve come so far!
This place taught me that effort can be a synonym of courage.
Neither should be wasted, neither should be discouraged.
All effort is appreciated, acknowledged or not
And courage is earned, not stolen or bought.
Public slumber is also a skill
I’ve learnt from this place, this family if you will,
For if I’m up travelling at the wee hours of dawn
And, until night, all comfort is gone
I will sleep soundly in any spot I choose.
It’s nice to doze off listening to the other bands lose!
But one thing is for sure- this place helps me in school
For it taught me to understand instead of panic or fool
When, in half a year, you have 30 tunes to know,
Absorbing information is easy- a skill I proudly show.
True respect comes from lessons like these,
I beg you to listen. Please please please please please!
A family can be made from the smallest of links
And can be quite functional when you’ve worked out the kinks,
Like on the 33rd hour on a bus altogether,
Our eyes were heavy, our voices weathered
As we all sat around singing happily as one,
Our smiles were higher as down went the sun,
Singing “Hey Soul Sister"
And “Hey, ho! Chicken on a raft!"
Families like that can bring more than weary voices,
They help me realize that in life, I do have choices.
They taught me that who I am cannot be defined such as “shy”,
Who you are comes out when you can no longer hide.
It’s why everything I do, I do loud and proud!
People need to know I’m human somehow,
Own up to your mistakes, everyone has made a few.
Don’t shy away from them- they make you, you!
Be eccentric, be "out there!"
No matter what, there will always be someone to care.
This is the lesson that means the most to me,
And if you know, then you understand what I mean.
It doesn't matter if you're black or white. It doesn't matter if your hair is short or long,
Whether you've found it or not, there is always somewhere you belong,
So be you! Don't worry about "fitting in",
'Cause if I've learnt anything from home, it's that when you stop,
You'll wonder where you've been.
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140,706 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
Hey joallover! Artemis here for the Final Countdown!
This sentence was a bit confusing. The wording wasn't so great, I don't understand what you meant by it. I would suggest you change it, so that future readers wouldn't get confused, and perhaps explain it to me?
"As nothing that roams there can do so noiselessly."
Some of the other sentences were a little bit long, and even though the rhyming was great, there were too many syllables in some of them. Could you shorten some of them a bit without changing their meaning? Or you can completely change them. Or you can just leave them as they are, if you think nothing's wrong with them. It's all up to you.
Other than that, this was awesome! The message was great and inspiring, and I loved it. Congratulations on a great work and keep writing!
-Artemis28 (Team Zenith)
Hello! SecreteJournalist here for a review. If I have yet to introduce myself, do feel free to call me Brie if you please! I'm going to split my review into two parts, I hope you don't mind.
Onto part one...
[size=200Nitpicks:[/size]
I think adding a comma after joyously would help with flow.
I'd advise to add commas after each of these lines.
I found the way this was phrased to be confusing. I put what I would change in bold in the quote above.
I feel like this breaks up the flow a little. Make rephrasing 'you can't be the only one!' to 'it takes more than one!' might make a little more sense logically.
Maybe get rid of 'is what'? It would help with flow.
Maybe add a comma after 'not'.
I think the word 'learned' might help with flow here.
Maybe instead of SO many 'pleases', rephrase it to something like 'please, oh please, of please!'?
Some of your rhymes from previous lines were really pushing the word 'rhyme', but these two lines don't rhyme at all.
Add a comma after the first you.
Okay, now onto part two (I promise this part is shorter!).
[size=200]Commentary:
First off, let me just give you a round of applause for being able to rhyme that much without it sounding tacky! Though some of your rhymes weren't the perfect match, you still did a really good job! I also like the positive message here. I felt happiness and peace, almost like I was gaining the knowledge and experiencing the lessons you have been taught!
With a little bit of fixing up, this poem will be golden!
Hope this helped!
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
Hello! CardinalSouth here
This poem is so sweet! There's just a few things I would fix but nothing major
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'Snares shrill confident and pipes blow loud'
Snares shrill confidentLY and pipes blow loudLY... Confidently and loudly are not modifying/describing snares and pipes. They are describing how they shrill and how they blow. This makes them adverbs and they need an adverb ending. If this doesn't ring quite the same way, you can always consider changing the word order a bit to turn the adverbs into adjectives. For example, "The confident snares shrill and the loud pipes blow."
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"There’s no place else you can hear such a sound!"
'No place else' would probably be better off as something like 'no other place,' but it's completely up to your artistic vision! I can only make suggestions
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When you say, "And that a kid is a kid, despite all their birthdays," I would change the word 'their.' You are talking about one kid, so it should be followed by a singular pronoun for pronoun-antecedant agreement.
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"When a hunched-over old man can still play with heart"
You don't need a hyphen between 'hunched' and 'over,' and I would add a comma after 'over' because you are using two phrases describing man and they need to be separated.
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"And especially when all the adults still laugh when they fart."
I may be picky on this one, but this line doesn't really flow... An easy fix would to take out "And especially" and you're good to go!
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There should be a colon or dash instead of a comma in between '...change is important' and 'it can never...' Either are grammatically correct, but a colon is more correct. A comma creates a run-on sentence.
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"It is never too late and impossible to no one"
Honestly I would rephrase this completely. You're dealing with double negatives and maybe one is okay if you absolutely need it but this will confuse the reader. You already used one for "it can never not be done."
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"This place taught me effort" I would add 'that' in between 'me' and 'effort' to help the meaning and the flow of the line.
-
"Like when doubt is over-bearing for ten months of twelve,
Two weeks can improve, and on that you can dwell.
Also, to change, change has to come.
To be a new you, you can’t be the only one!"
Maybe I'm taking this out of context, but if this poem is about your town or community, I'm not sure how this ties in. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just take some lines out in order to focus on your main idea without wandering. (I have a hard time with this myself; I love to go off on tangents lol)
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" ...bigger than I, I’ve come..." I would use a dash instead of a comma... Just wondering - is this an oral speech or a written one? If no one is going to read it, I would focus on the meaning and flow before the technical stuff.
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Here are a few more lines that could use some clearing up:
"It’s nice to doze off listening to the other bands lose!"
"For it taught me to understand instead of panic or fool"
"When, in half a year, you have 30 pieces to know,"
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Add dashes instead of commas here:
"But one thing is for sure, this place helps me in school"
"Absorbing information is easy, a skill I proudly show."
"Own up to your mistakes, everyone has made a few."
"Don’t shy away from them, they make you you!"
"Be eccentric, be 'out there!'"
-
Instead of "It doesn't matter if you're black, white, if your hair is short or long," I would change it to something like "It doesn't matter if you're black or white, or if your hair is short or long,"
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Okay I'm finished with all the technical stuff! This poem is really really REALLY good! Not many can write like you do, and it's okay to have a few technical issues... In my opinion it is 1000x harder writing all of that out from your heart and I know already that that is going to mean the world to whoever you read or send it to. It's a wonderful piece and I would not be surprised if you have a few teary eyed folks in the crowd listening. Thank you for sharing your piece with us, and I hope that I helped in anyway